A Little Girl’s Gripping and Magical Story – 18


A little girl's gripping and magical story. Baykoy Series.
Literary Fiction/Epistolary/Drama/Fantasy

A little girl's gripping and magical story. Baykoy Series.

Baykoy and The Only Something

This is a gripping and magical tale of a little Filipino girl who goes by an endearing nickname, Baykoy.

The story is told through the heart-convulsing letters of a woman to her niece, detailing her extraordinary childhood experiences.

Written by

J.J. Ireneo


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The Truth about Angels – Part Four


Part Three

Age: Six years old.

Year: 1985.

— indomitable —


Dear Sage,

Once again, I woke up in bed. With rage still pressed against my chest. As the biggest pillow nurtured me through.

Once again, nothing to remember and nothing to dread. I just had to keep reminding myself, I was just a kid. Nothing was important. Everything else was insignificant.

It was already evening.

Grandma and grandpa were in the middle of a brooding discourse. I could hear them all the way from the living room.

My stomach growled for food. It was screaming for me to get up now.

Again, a strict reminder: I was just a kid. Nothing was important. Everything else was insignificant.

As soon as they saw me, they were on their feet right away.

Grandma kissed me on the forehead. Grandpa rested his hand over my head.

Blessed be. Blessed be. They wished I was okay.

We sat in the kitchen for supper. I lavished myself with vegetable stew. Not much dialogue between them. I was the subject of a vigilant watch. More vigilant than ever before.

Rage was still crawling all over me. But I could overpower it somehow. I didn’t feel anything else. I couldn’t. Just rage. Pure rage. And I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from.

Not yet.

Nothing to remember. Nothing to dread.

So I shouldn’t figure it out anymore. Rage was already enough. At least, I felt something. It was already enough to make me feel that I was still alive.

Rage was still a feeling after all. An important feeling. Yet dangerous. Perhaps, as dangerous as the kids’ games. But still a very important feeling.

It was already enough.

“Would you like to read a new story tonight?” grandma asked.

I shook my head ‘no’.

“Oh,” grandpa seconded, “I’ve already sharpened those shiny pencils for you. They’re on the desk, in your room. Excited to write yet?”

Write? Write what?

I shook my head ‘no’.

Their distressing sighs wheezed by.

The two dogs scooted under the table to greet me. I ignored them. I should feel something for them. But I couldn’t. I wanted to. But I couldn’t.

I was just a kid. Nothing was important. Everything else was insignificant.

I was just a kid… I was just a kid…

I was… only… a kid…!

Supper was done. I had to do something after every meal. But I couldn’t remember what it was. I knew it was somehow important. But I didn’t know what it was. Should I care? No.

I got up and dashed my way back into the room.

I laid down in bed. Again. Hugging the biggest pillow.

A muffled argument erupted from the kitchen.

But why? Were they arguing because of me? Why?

I was just a kid. It shouldn’t be that important.

My memory was away. Experiencing life.

Life somewhere else.

Nothing to remember. Nothing to dread.

Rage was still a feeling.

It was already enough.

It was already enough.

You are not just a kid. You are the most important.

Never give in to rage. It is the most dispiriting feeling.

The only something.

— Indomitable —


Dear Sage,

Grandma took me in her arms and sang a hypnotic lullaby to put me to sleep. My eyes remained wide awake. Without an oppressed mind. Without a sad heart. Rage was still the nurturing feeling. A piece of awareness. I was still alive. I was human.

I refused to remember anything. Or even just one of the stories that I had read. Stories that either made me doubt the world’s integrity or sent me to a dreamland.

This dreamland. Being here. With grandma and grandpa. Who I knew loved me dearly. I knew that they even loved me way more than they must have loved all their daughters.

But it was all I started to remember now. It was all that gave me into grandma’s arms. Being snuggled inside her immaculate love. And it was all that would still steal my ears away into grandpa’s furtive movements in the living room. Knowing that he was indulged in his reading.

Or he could have been writing. Using his shiny pencils.

Writing. He said he had already sharpened some shiny pencils for me. What was I gonna write about?

I refused to remember. I refused to remember anything else.

I was in grandma’s arms. She was singing a hypnotic lullaby for me.

My ears were listening to grandpa’s movements in the living room. As I would see an image of him reading or writing.

And then there was rage beleaguering in my chest. The chest that was a homage to a doll. It was once upon a time.

Once upon a time.

No more.

As I still refused to remember anything.

Nothing to remember. Nothing to dread.

In the midst of all this, the dogs horned in with morbid howls.

Goosebumps covered me. Though rage still kept its reign.

They were in agony. Something hurt them, I thought.

Should I care? No. Should I find out? No.

Grandma’s hypnotic lullaby got distracted. Only for a while. She sang on. This time, unwavered.

The hypnotic lullaby would triumph over the dogs’ morbid howls.

I was aware. I was a kid. I refused to have a heart and mind. And spirit.

Rage kept me as a special human.

Nothing to remember. Nothing to dread.

Everything else was insignificant.

I heard grandpa talking to the dogs. He ordered them to stop.

They did.

After a while, the morbid howls covered the night again. Grandma kept the hypnotic lullaby into the air. As grandpa grumbled out of despair.

Grandma caressed my hair and looked at me. “I’ve got lots of wonderful books for you to read.”

I looked away.

Reading. What else was there to read? The world created fairy-tales. It also created stories about birthday girls. It would only create sad stories.

A special human was full of sad stories.

All the sadness would keep them alive. All the sadness would lead them to die in the end.

I refused to remember anything. Everything else was insignificant.

A special human is full of sad stories.

Especially a dead heart and mind.

The only something.

— Indomitable —


Dear Sage,

I refused to close my eyes tonight. Rage told me it would take me somewhere else.

I struggled to keep them open. Wide open. To keep me aware of where I was, what I was doing, and who was with me.

I was still snuggled by grandma’s arms. Her loving energy was still going strong for the hypnotic lullaby.

I could still hear grandpa’s movements slinking around in the living room.

The natural gas light still filled up the house. Our modest house.

Now I was aware of the wall clock. I remembered it. I remembered how it encapsulated my mind. Even my heart.

It was when I couldn’t feel anything anymore. All my emotions had vanished along with the passage of time.

Tick tock tick tock

There it was.

Though this time around, I had rage within me. One piece. One feeling. One breath.

Tick tock tick tock

I was still a special human. A little girl. Just a little girl. I shouldn’t be important.

I refused to remember anything. Everything else was insignificant.

What happened? What was going on? Why?

Nothing to remember. Nothing to dread.

ZzzzzzzzZzzzzzzz

This buzzing sound in my ear. Swishing me away into sleep.

No.

With all the rage I had in me, I used it as a weapon to battle it out with sleep.

I had to keep my eyes open. Wide open.

I had to be aware. Fully aware.

I was still in grandma’s arms. Her hypnotic lullaby was dancing in the air.

Grandpa was having a discussion with the dogs. He dismissed his reading and writing.

Tick tock tick tock

ZzzzzzzzZzzzzzzz

I was just a little girl. Another special human. I shouldn’t be important.

My eyes were wide open. I had to stay aware. Fully aware.

Rage kept telling me not to fall asleep. Or I would be taken somewhere else.

Where would that somewhere else be? What would have happened?

Now rage had switched itself to fear.

Rage. No more. It had simply disappeared.

Fear. What did it want? Would it kill me?

If I were to close my eyes, where would I be? Where would it take me? Where was somewhere else?

I refused to remember anything. Don’t make me remember anything.

Now I was afraid that if I were to close my eyes, I would remember something.

Something really sad. A special human’s sad story.

Or perhaps, all the sad stories that I had already read.

Like the birthday girl’s sad story.

No fairy-tales. Just birthday girls.

Tick tock tick tock

Zzzzzzzz… Zzzzzzzz…

The wall clock had made its prestige known. What did it want?

Eyes. Drifting away.

They were letting me down. They were letting go.

I was worn out now. They wanted me to remember.

A special human’s sad story. Like that of a birthday girl’s.

Allow them to let you down.

Allow yourself to let go.

The only something.

— Indomitable —


Dear Sage,

“Angel!” I called out.

Kidlat, Kuwago and I were dashing down the trail tracks all the way to the waterfalls.

I was crying my heart out. My feet were on an urgent speed.

It was a twinkling bright morning. Everything around us was crystal white. The trees, the ground… Except for me, Kidlat and Kuwago.

I was wearing a colorful dress, with my usual slippers on. I knew the dress was sewn by grandma. Kidlat and Kuwago’s furs still looked the same.

We were on a desperate hunt for Angel. She disappeared.

I had to look for her or I wouldn’t know how to write anything at all. She was supposed to give me some magic to keep going. She was going to tell me what to write about, whom it was for, and which words to use.

As Kidlat, Kuwago and I were zooming like the wind, I tumbled into the air. The heavy whisk was plummeting me into the waterfalls.

I screamed out of my berserk mind.

The waterfalls morphed into fire. Raging fire. The running river turned into beastly mud, which would swallow me down alive.

In a divine cinch, radiant arms caught me. Now it felt warm and comforting. The waterfalls and the running river re-emerged. With heavenly splashing sounds. Almost like grandma’s hypnotic lullaby.

Though everything else was still crystal white. In a resplendent marvel.

Baykoy,” an echoey, beautiful voice whispered into my ear.

I turned, and my heart leapt.

It was Angeline.

She was a beautiful angel. She was wearing a lustrous pink dress. Though it wasn’t exactly a dress. It looked more like a princess’s gown. The kind of gown that a girl in one of the fairy-tales would wear.

An angel was supposed to have wings.

She didn’t have wings. But she could fly, and she caught me in her arms.

We were suspended above the waterfalls. With her ethereal smile that made me happy. Her glistening eyes reminded me of someone.

I could feel the beautiful cherub hidden in them.

The beautiful cherub. Jiji.

“Were you looking for Angel?” Angeline asked.

“Yes,” I replied.

“You threw her out the window. But your grandpa found her for you. She’s resting in your bed now, waiting for you to come home.”

“I don’t believe you.”

She softly giggled. “You threw her out the window because you got angry.”

“Why was I angry?” I asked.

“Because you already knew,” she said. “Somehow you knew something. They couldn’t tell you what it was, but you already knew. And you didn’t want to believe it yourself. That’s why you got angry.”

“I knew what?” I replied.

“That I was already one of the angels.”

“You don’t look like one of the angels. You look like one of the girls in fairy-tales.”

She laughed. “I never liked fairy-tales.”

“Me neither,” I said.

“Let’s sing and fly!”

A dream is one of the magical lands you will discover.

Once you remember it, realize that it is a gift from heaven.

— Indomitable —


Dear Sage,

“Baykoy baykoy… It’s time to go baykoy… Here goes the joy… Call them ahoy… Baykoy baykoy… koy koy… Can’t be destroyed… Woohoy…”

Angeline and I flew above the waterfalls, the running river, the crystal white woods, the crystal white houses, the crystal white fields… as we sang the baykoy song. My baykoy song. My happy song.

We landed back to the waterfalls. We sat on the rock.

Kidlat and Kuwago were in a rollicking mood upon seeing us.

Angeline revealed a chocolate bar from her pocket, unwrapped it, and handed it to me.

I popped in a huge bite. I savored its sweet flavor. Its chewy tingles kept me aware of blissful reality.

I was a happy special human.

“Why does everything else look crystal white?” I asked.

“Because those are the things that make you scared and sad,” she replied.

“Ooh really?”

“It’s just telling you that you shouldn’t be scared and sad anymore ‘cause somewhere in there, an angel is found.”

“Will you see me again?”

Will you sing and fly with me again?”

“Not that. I meant, would you still keep your promise? You’d come see me in school, at home. We’d play together. You’d keep me company during recess…”

“I’ll sing and fly with you… here.”

I started to feel sad. “Are you going back to Manila?”

“I’m already one of the angels,” she uttered.

“You’re not one of the angels. You’re one of the girls from the fairy-tale books.”

Baykoy, I promise to sing and fly with you again. If you want me to.”

Rage captured me. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means I don’t exist there anymore,” she said. “I live with Jiji now.”

“How do you know Jiji?” I cried.

“Because he’s an angel now, too,” she said.

“I don’t believe you!” I shouted in tears.

She held me in her arms. “Don’t lose Angel again. I may not be there with you anymore, but know that each time you hug her, you’re hugging me, too. And I would feel your good heart.”

I threw my big baby tantrum cry:

‘I won’t wish for a good friend anymore! I won’t! I won’t!

Angels lied to me! Angels aren’t real! Angels fooled me!

They’re supposed to make all kids happy! And I’m a kid! And I’m supposed to be just as happy as the other kids in school!

But I’m not happy! And each time I meet a good friend, they go away! Angels take them away!

Angels hate me! I must have done something really bad that makes them hate me! You tell them I hate them, too! I hate them! I hate all of them!

I hate heaven! I hate magic! I hate you for going away!

I don’t wanna sing and fly with you anymore! Because you lied to me!

You all lie to me! Everybody lies to me! Even everything that I believe in lies to me!

I don’t believe anything anymore! Angels betray me! And they’ve just betrayed me really good this time!

I don’t wanna be good anymore! I don’t wanna have a good heart anymore…’

Angeline kissed me on the cheek. “Read my letter. If you want to remember me, find me in your good heart.”

The truth about angels.

Find it in your good heart.

The only something.

— Indomitable —