Log Line: Super cute Kaz Miles moves to the bustling city of Edmonton with NOTHING but dreams. No impressive work history, not enough money, no place to stay at… neither… brains for love and relationships! To make her idiosyncrasies even worse, she meets the beautiful, shrewd, principled — and — ‘super straight’ Jane Randall who becomes her roommate, self-proclaimed mentor, love guiding light, and… FANTASY!
Warning: Crude Humor/Language
I step out of a flower shop with a dozen of deep pink roses in hand and journey my way back for another attempt to see Jane. “Jane Randall, will you marry me?” I say to myself. Oh god. Illusions, illusions, illusions. Reality, please, cradle me.
I stride into the coffee shop, and it’s still crazy busy. I cut the line and accost the familiar staff anyway. “Hi,” I say, “it’s me again.”
“No cutting!” A robust-looking guy frowns at me.
“Get in line,” a pissed-off young man seconds.
“It’s way back there, young lady!” An anxious woman directs me to the doorway.
“Okay,” I sigh, “you guys obviously have no idea what I’ve just been through, and the only thing that I know for sure is… I’m so not hopping from one bus to another again to ship me back to Edmonton as a total loser, so… sorry, but…”
“Kaz Miles!” Jane springs up behind the counter.
And my flickering smile causes an emphatic ‘awwwwww’ in the room. “Jane!”
The business suddenly brings to a standstill. “What do you wanna say to me right now?” Jane says.
“In front of these strangers?” I stammer.
“In front of my beloved customers,” she says, “yes.”
“Can’t it be a private thing?” I say.
“Well, you’ve already started it,” she says, “so finish it. The floor is all yours.”
“Yeah!” the crowd roars.
“This is embarrassing,” I say.
“Oh, you’re embarrassed to be here?” Jane says. “Because if you are, then there’s the door. Wide open for you.”
“No, not like that at all,” I say. “Anyway, I got you these flowers.”
“Convince me with your speech first,” she says, “then I’d accept those flowers.”
“Go on,” the robust-looking guy encourages me.
“Jane…” I say, holding on to my courage and hammering away with my tears, “… my memory has come a long way now… You don’t lie, you don’t play with other people’s feelings, be honest, never betray promises, respect your heart, be noble, learn to appreciate, be grateful for other people’s love and care, articulate your true feelings… through sincere actions… and with genuine intentions…”
“Your memory doesn’t suck after all,” she says… brawling back her impassioned… splashes.
“I know why you left,” I say… with my resounding heart and deepest soul.
“Why?” she says.
“Because I took you for granted,” I say. “I was impatient. I’d keep on bugging you for… that single-word answer when I hadn’t even done anything… noble and beautiful… for you. Even just those little things, like making you breakfast in bed or taking you to dinner or even opening the car door for you… When all along, you would do all these great things for me that nobody else in this world could ever do to someone who pretty much had nothing… but dreams… You gave me a nice home, you got me a cool job, you rescued me from my eccentricities, you took me for a gondola ride and a lake cruise, you made me ride a horse… You taught me how to live… And most of all, you taught me how to honor love… I’m 23 years old, and I know that I have yet to accomplish those egos before you would give me a chance to be with you… But I’m here now to prove something… To prove something noble to you… Though I’ve got nothing at all… but dreams… Just some pathetic dreams…”
“Shit,” the young man says, “this is too much for my testosterone now…”
“Yeah yeah,” the anxious woman says. “Yeah…”
Sniffles. Sobs. Mewls. I have just put the entire coffee shop on the weeps.
“I love you,” I say to Jane. “Will you accept these flowers?”
Jane grabs the flowers and smells them. “I’ve never received pink roses before. Thank you.”
“Kiss!” the crowd cheers.
“She’ll have to wait for the mistletoe magic for that!” Jane says.
“Aw, come on!” the robust-looking guy says. “That’s what we’ve all been waiting for! Right, guys?”
“Yeah!” the crowd says.
“You’re all waiting for coffee,” Jane says. “Now let’s resume the business, shall we?”
Jane drags me all the way to the waterfront deck. “You first.”
“Oh,” I say, “is this the part when we’re supposed to throw outrage at each other now?”
“Apparently. Spit it. I’m ready.”
“You couldn’t scare the hell out of all… your fears. That’s why you left.”
“So what’s gonna happen now?”
“Show me what you’ve written so far.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“We’re not wallowing in your romantic dreamland, Kaz. That emotional speech back there would not automatically reward you with a happy ending that you’ve got in mind. You don’t mandate me? You don’t mandate… love. Especially, this one… The mistletoe magic can wait… Show me a piece of your dream first… then we’ll move along from there.”
“You can’t be serious!”
“You’ve never shown me anything back in Edmonton, for crying out loud! So now you caught those buses, knowing exactly where to go… yet empty-handed. Sure, yeah, you’ve finally heard the cat barking… big time… But don’t make my snow leopard chase your elephant out of the climactic spot… regardless of the stirring actions going on in your luminous pupils… Because I’m ready to scare the hell out of all my fears now… So if you badly want the mistletoe magic… show me… a piece of your dream. Then we’ll decide… how our story ends.”
“It’s in my hotel room.”
“Let’s go get it then.”
“You wanna beg for mercy again? ‘Cause I don’t wanna rage around anymore… For god’s sake, I’ve been angry! Really angry! That I saw myself in stirring actions with you on the frickin’ first day! How you ignored me while I was chasing you around and taking care of you! How you believed all the lies about me! How badly I prayed that you’d look right through me and just feel my heart for real! How I tried to sort out all my priorities and who I was just to accommodate your place in my life! How much I had to hurt myself for ditching you in no time and not taking you home with me! How I had to pretend that I was okay, that I was myself again without thinking of you and worrying about how my absence would whack you up!” She pauses to splatter down tears… “That’s how angry I’ve been… You’ve no idea… You’ve no fricking idea… I feel like… you hurt my life… And I can’t heal it back to what it was anymore… until I know for sure… Until I know for sure… how serious you are… about this…”
I caress her hands. “I’m scared… that I would disappoint you.”
She smirks. “You’ve been disappointing me since day one, Kaz. That’s not news to me anymore.”
“You really wanna see it?” I mutter, shaking.
“I dare you to.”
Jane and I pull into the hotel parking lot and step out of the car at once. She studies my nerves, and… “Jesus,” she groans. “I know that look.”
“I feel like singing the national anthem now,” I sneer.
We go up into my hotel room, and she sits on the bed right away. “Kaz Miles,” she says, “there’s nothing to show, is there?”
I drop my jaw, attempting to strike back with a witty defense. But… I can never lie to her. No matter what… No matter what… “I’m sorry, Jane… I just…”
“So you lied just to impress me,” she says.
“I’m so sorry,” I say, blushing in humiliation. “My mind… the entire time, really… All whacked up… I’ve written something, yeah… But I find no value in it. It’s not authentic enough for me to share it with you, so… You’re right. There’s nothing to show. At all… I’m sorry…”
She ponders on it. “All right, then… Just let me know once something authentic comes along.”
She leaps to her feet. “I’ve gotta run back. It’s been busy at the coffee shop, so… Yeah. Hit me up once you get serious… about things.”
“Jane, please!” I convulse into my heartache.
She stomps towards the door. “Not anymore, Kaz. I can’t beg for you… anymore…”
“I love you!” I blast out.
“O evil you.” And she disappears on me.
If only I could call on the gay gods right now to ask for help and guidance, I would. So for now… until my deepest soul loses its breath… I must try to relieve myself with tears instead.
And a knock breaks into the air.
Jane has come back for me!
It’s a …“Sorry to disturb you, ma’am,” a hotel maintenance guy says, “but, uh, we’ve been having issues with vents lately. I was wondering if I could take a look at yours for a bit.”
“There’s nothing to look at, really,” I say. “And I could care less about shit right now. Would you mind?”
“No, not at all,” he replies. “I apologize for the intrusion. Have a good day.”
And I slam the door in his face. “Goddammit!” I lean back against the wall and pour all my despair out.
I call the red-head gay-dar at night. “I’m going back to Edmonton tomorrow.”
“Are you out of your fricking mind?” he yells through the phone. “Jane has been desperate for you to be there!”
“Listen to me, red-head gay-dar. I completely humiliated myself in front of strangers…”
“You always humiliate yourself in front of strangers, Kaz.”
“This one is like pretending to be a bad-ass football player, then you get hit in the head, and then you drop dead. That kind of humiliation.”
“Ooh. That’s bad.”
“And she walked out on me. My Jane walked out on me.”
“That’s unbelievable. When she couldn’t even last a minute without mentioning your name… So what’s the plan now?”
“Go back there with dignity.”
“Aren’t you even gonna say goodbye to her at all?”
“Then what? Kill myself?”
“Kaz, please don’t give up on her.”
“I’ve just gotta man up more. Y’know, accomplish something authentic, then catch those buses again… and try one more time.”
“All right. I’ll see you once you get back then.”
“Yeah,” I say. “Hey… Seattle?”
“Yeah?” he replies.
“Thank you for being a good friend.”
“You’re very welcome.”