Log Line: Super cute Kaz Miles moves to the bustling city of Edmonton with NOTHING but dreams. No impressive work history, not enough money, no place to stay at… neither… brains for love and relationships! To make her idiosyncrasies even worse, she meets the beautiful, shrewd, principled — and — ‘super straight’ Jane Randall who becomes her roommate, self-proclaimed mentor, love guiding light, and… FANTASY!
Warning: Crude Humor/Language
“Kaz!” the red-head gay-dar calls on from the office door. “Get your butt over here now!”
“Uh-oh.” Riley elbows me on the side. “I think he’s become a monster since the replacement.”
“Replacement?” I say, slamming a pile of books on the side counter. “He’s only the goddamn boss until Jane comes back.”
“I don’t know about that,” Riley says.
“I hope Jane comes back.” Doug picks up my pile and walks away.
“What the hell is going on around here?” I tremble.
“Kaz!” The red-head gay-dar signals me to come over… with his devilish forefinger wagging to and fro.
“Screw this bitch!” I storm towards him and push him back inside, then slam the door behind us. “What the hell is the matter with you? Why are you acting like a total asshole all of a sudden? It’s only a goddamn phony chair, red-head gay-dar! Just a frickin’ chair! It doesn’t give you the right to treat me nor everyone else around here like we’re a bunch of puny crap! You got that? Now lose your frickin’ attitude and go back to that charm that I first knew!”
“You lose your attitude,” he says, “and listen to me. Do you love Jane?”
“What does that have to do with work?”
“Everything. If I were to be super nice to you, you wouldn’t even bother listening to me anyhow. So do you love Jane?”
“It’s only been a day since she drove off,” I snort back my cowardly tears, “and I’m already having a panic attack. What’s your point?”
“Then why did you let her go?” he blurts out.
“What the hell are you talking about? She’s only gone for a week… or something.”
“Have you called her yet?”
“Yeah. Many times. She hasn’t been answering. It’s been driving me nuts.”
“She took the plane. She got her car on the plane, too.”
“I’m not even supposed to tell you this, but I just can’t sit in her chair and watch you in this pathetic situation, with no knowledge whatsoever about what the real deal is.”
“What’s the real deal?”
“She’s not coming back anymore.”
“W-what do you mean…?” My whole body goes numb.
“I don’t know the truth behind it,” he says, almost teary-eyed, “but she just strictly told me to keep her leaving as a secret from you.”
“Why the hell would she wanna do that for?” I don’t exist anymore.
“I don’t know.” He hands me a piece of paper with a Halifax home address scribbled on it. “She gave me that address just in case I got some important paper stuff to send to her.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“Will you stop being such a total idiot already?”
“She doesn’t want me.”
“Jane wouldn’t be this maddened screwball if she didn’t want you, Kaz. I know. Trust me, I know.”
“How can you be so sure about that?”
“Do you want her or not?”
“I’m willing to masticate cow meat just to get that single-word answer.”
“Then what the hell are you still waiting for?”
“I’m scared to fly!”
“So get on the goddamn bus! And use your brains!”
Bus terminal. So we have met again. “I need a ticket to Halifax, please,” I say to the teller.
The middle-aged woman looks at me. “You mean, tickets.”
“Am I supposed to purchase a full load?” I say.
“Do you even know where Halifax is?” She gapes at me like I’m from Turks and Caicos.
“Look, lady,” I say, “when my mother spat me out of her uterus, I already sniffed the Canadian wind. So of course, I know where Halifax is. It’s the capital city of Nova Scotia. And if you must know, I grew up in Grande Prairie. I’m just scared to fly, and I’ve never traveled as far as Calgary before, so please, get me those tickets right now and I’m out of your hair… Sorry, but…”
“Refundable or non-refundable?” she asks.
“I’ve got a messenger bag on… and a suitcase. Do you see me as refundable?”
“I just need to know a single-word answer… from a girl.”
“A girl, huh?”
“Yes, my girl,” I say. “I’m gay, I’m Canadian, and I deserve those tickets. Give ‘em to me right now, please?” I know. I’m being an arrogant prick. I’m sorry. It’s my crowning rush. What can I say?
“Six transfers,” she says, flicking on the computer keyboard. “Traveling time, almost 4 days. And it’s 382 dollars.”
“Whoa. Hefty.” And by the time I get there, I already smell like a dead mouse.
“Round-trip?” she asks.
“You’re moving to the east coast with only one suitcase?”
“Are you sure about that?”
“And is this girl in love with you… too?”
I twinkle a smile… instinctively… “Pretty much.”
“You do know where you’re going, right?”
“No troubles? Nothing in… whatever nature?”
“The culprits have been found… and crushed.”
“Can you hear me good?”
“The cat’s been barking. Yeah, I hear it good, all right.”
“Your eyes. They’re so bright.”
“It’s the luminous pupils waking up to catch some real stirring actions.”
I’m 23 years old, I’m 382 dollars poorer, and I’m traveling across the country. All for the girl. Well, Jane, here I come.
I’m rushing to catch the bus, knowing exactly where to go. With departed culprits along for the ride. As I hear the cat barking really good… all the way from the east coast’s pride.
My elephant is ready to trumpet out its integrity to your snow leopard that’s been mysteriously prowling around…
… as witnessed by my luminous pupils where the stirring actions have been found…
… as my psychotic blows are now completely…
… crippled down.
As the revelation thwacks into my heart and deepest soul…
… I’ve discovered something profound!
The mistletoe magic has already been bound.
Since the very first day…
… you came around.
Edmonton – Winnipeg – Thunder Bay – Sudbury – Ottawa – Montreal – St. John’s – Moncton – Truro – Halifax … Almost 4 days on the roads without enough sleep… My eye bags can practically invade my entire face by now… And I can smell a garbage truck breezing out of my mouth… and my… Well, let’s not go there anymore as I am already packed with a load of embarrassment here. I need a bed and a nice shower so I can go back to being human again.
“Please tell me this is not a full house,” I say to the hotel front desk lady. “Look, I have been hopping on and off buses all the way from Edmonton for four fricking days just to be with… the love of my life,” – Yes, I have to be super lame to accomplish this — “so if you could just squeeze me in right now, I’d be indebted to you forever.”
“Let me take a look.” She checks on the computer. “You’re lucky. There’s one more room left. On the 8th floor though.”
“My lucky number,” I say.
“You’re still a P-addict.”
“Yeah! Obviously, right? And where the hell am I now? Right here! Arguing with you, hoping to rescue your goddamn ass!”
“Falling in love simply sparks right through you even without your heart’s consent.”
“You’re only afraid to fall in love if you’re not happy with your life.”
“Because you don’t even know how to show your appreciation for your girl first thing in the morning, and that’s just one of your shit, and it’s already goddamn killing me!”
“Not love in a commitment zone, though… ’cause the goddamn culprit is still around, flashing its wonder!”
“I’m still taking you home with me. And I will always take you home with me.”
“You have me, Kaz! You’ve always got me! Jesus!…You know what I feel like? I feel like I’m the frickin’ idiot here who’s been chasing you around since the first day! Since the frickin’ first day! If your goddamn memory can’t catch anything at all, well, it’s not my problem anymore! You keep on splashing around over this shit, and I don’t even see anything in there! Nothing! Just this crapped-up coma guy wallowing around, begging for mercy!”
“What do you really feel about me, Jane?”
“What do you think? Huh? How do you see it? How do you see me? Jesus… Okay, fine. Open your mind, and just… try to get this. This. What I’m about to say to you… I can argue with you over everything and I’m still taking you to dinner afterwards. If you run away, I’d look for you everywhere and take you home with me. If you’re stuck somewhere with no way out, I’d build a door for you. That’s what I feel.”
“You’re always rushing to catch a goddamn bus, not knowing where to go, with the culprits in hand along for the ride.”
“And how’s your memory coming along?”
“It’s perfect!” I say, scrubbing my body hard in the shower. “Like my luminous pupils! The stirring actions just keep on crawling in from my… illuminated… head.”
And I hum ‘Auld Lang Syne’ to sleep.
Waking up in a Halifax hotel room reminds me of my third morning in Edmonton. That morning when I read Jane’s response to my ad. That same morning when I went to meet her at a coffee shop. And that same morning when I realized how much my life would change.
I take a quick shower, get dressed, and please the mirror with my appearance. “Okay, Jane. I have come to finish the argument.”
I stroll around the downtown area first. It’s a small city, but my golly, I feel ‘Florence’ in every corner. My instincts guide me all the way down to the waterfront, and it’s even more breathtaking. Then I see… “Oh, coffee shop. You have no idea how much I wanna make love to you right now.”
Long line up. Of course. It’s the rush hour. I can’t wait to run the caffeine down into my blood streams anymore just to give me a bit more courage to hail a cab and drive me to the address that the red-head gay-dar gave me.
With the coffee fix, my confidence is built up. This may not be an ideal love tale, but I’m more eager now to achieve my happy ending than I ever was before.
The mistletoe magic. In summer time. Huh. Wouldn’t that be a miracle?
I approach a taxi and knock on the driver’s window. “Hi, are you ready to run?” I say to him.
“Yeah,” he says, popping his head out. “Where to?”
I give him the piece of paper. “Will you take me to that address, please?”
He reads it and looks at me, then double checks it and gives me a sinister eye. “Are you pulling one of those pranks on me?”
“Excuse me?” I say. “No. No prank at all. What the hell are you talking about?… Look, I’m from Edmonton, all right? Well, technically, Grande Prairie, but that’s not the point. I’ve come to settle some important matters with… my future wife, and that’s her address. So are we gonna do business here or what?”
“Where are those cameras?” he says. “It’s that show, isn’t it?”
“What show are you talking about? I don’t watch TV unless it’s the award season. Just take me to the goddamn address, will you?”
“You already took yourself to the goddamn address!”
“That coffee shop right behind you, that’s the address.”
“What?” I can’t feel the existence of the cup of coffee in my hand anymore.
“Look,” he says, “I don’t have time for this game, okay? Now I gotta go and look for a mentally stable customer.” And he drives off.
“I am so gonna kill you right now!” I make an emergency phone call to Edmonton. “Before you open your mouth,” I say to red-head gay-dar, “I’d just like to let you know that up in my head right now, I’m committing a murder and you’re the victim.”
“What’s going on, Kaz?” his concerned voice blurts into my ear.
“Are you sure this is the address that Jane gave you?”
“Yeah. What’s wrong with it?”
“Everything! It’s a goddamn coffee shop, FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!” And the passers-by grant me a repulsive look. “I’m sorry!” I announce to the strangers.
“What did you just say?” the red-head gay-dar says through the phone.
“It’s a coffee shop’s address,” I say. “Who’s playing games with me? You or Jane? Or you and Jane? Because I’m telling you, I’m willing to battle this out in court right now and put your conscience in jail!”
“But that’s the address that she gave me.”
“Are you sure? Because I’m not gonna show my luminous pupils on local TV once my elephant has already crushed me to death and it’s now too late for her snow leopard to rescue me!”
“Can’t you call her?”
“I am not going to call her because this is meant to be a surprise, you dumb-ass!”
“I’ll call her then.”
I hang up and head back inside the coffee shop. I sit at a table by the doorway and ponder on my stupidity.
A young female staff comes up to wipe my table clean and delights me with a charismatic smile. “Good morning.”
“Good morning,” I say. “Um, do you, by any chance, know… Jane Randall…?”
“Who works here?” she says. “Nope. Sorry.”
“But do you know a Jane though?” I say.
“Um, we’re not supposed to disclose information about other people to strangers.”
“Okay. I understand that, and I respect your integrity. However, I am in a huge mishap here, and… well… I… I took the bus all the way from Edmonton ’cause I’m scared to fly, and I stunk like hell by the time Halifax welcomed me in. I’ve just come to see my girl… The girl… And I consider her as my hero ’cause she…” Whew. Don’t let those tears fall now, Kaz Miles. “… Anyway, I’m in love with this girl… Then she took off, and I thought that she’d come back, but then I found out that she already left for good. So I’m here hoping to… to go home with her… for one last time. But then the red-head gay-dar gave me this address… instead… which would have to be the same address that Jane gave him… Now I don’t know what to do.”
“Jane Randall…” she says, smiling, “is our new boss.”
My heart jumps. I have hope. “Really?”
“Her mom bought this franchise, so she came back home to run it herself.”
“Is she in?”
“She’s in her office doing orders. What’s your name?”
“Kaz. May I please speak to her?”
“Be right back.” And she walks away.
The red-head gay-dar barges into my phone. “Kaz,” he says, “I just talked to Jane.”
“Hey, don’t worry,” I reply. “I got it.”
“You’re at the right place,” he says.
“I know,” I say. “Thanks. Bye.” I hang up.
A few minutes later, the staff resurfaces to see me. “She’s still busy,” she says. “She needs to finish the order now.”
“Did you tell her it was me?” I say.
“Yeah. Kaz from Edmonton. Right?”
“Did you tell her everything that I told you about?”
“And what did she say?”
“Nothing, really. She was busy.”
“How did she react?”
“She just moved her shoulders.”
“She just moved her shoulders? What the hell is that supposed to mean? If you move your shoulders, what do you mean by it?”
“Like, I could care less.”
“Well, what about her face? How did her face react to the news?”
“It was blank.”
“It… was… blank…?”
“I think she’s just busy. But she’s the nicest person I have ever met though. No doubt about that.”
“Absolutely. What time does she normally take off?”
“So there’s no way that I would have a chance to speak to her at all until then, huh?”
“I think it would be better off for you to just come back later instead. ’Cause when Jane works, she does really work. And she works like crazy.”
“I know. Well, thank you for making time for me.”
“You’re welcome. And good luck.”
Come on, brains. Get to work, damn it. Make me a romantic genius. I’m waiting for that light bulb floating above my head right now. Put it up there. Come on come on come on! Put it up there!