Log Line: Super cute Kaz Miles moves to the bustling city of Edmonton with NOTHING but dreams. No impressive work history, not enough money, no place to stay at… neither… brains for love and relationships! To make her idiosyncrasies even worse, she meets the beautiful, shrewd, principled — and — ‘super straight’ Jane Randall who becomes her roommate, self-proclaimed mentor, love guiding light, and… FANTASY!
Warning: Crude Humor/Language
I have a funny feeling that by the time Jane and I get to bed, another juicy rhubarb is gonna disturb my impulse to yawn. Sure enough, my instinct pledges in to life. “A provoking image in an artist’s head is meant for him to paint,” she says. “A story in a writer’s bank of ideas is meant to be written. A book is meant for us to read. Music notes are meant to be played… Did you get the logic?”
I grab my pillows from the bed. “I’m too exhausted and too sleepy to get my brains activated for your philosophical challenge right now,” I say. “What’s the point?”
“A bed is meant to be slept in. And floors…?”
“… Are meant for feet to walk on… However, that couch in the living area would absolutely stop you from kicking up a fuss over this whole thing, I suppose.”
“Soothe yourself. But there’s only one comforter though, and it stays right where it belongs.”
“I’m calling Shelley to ask for a blanket then.”
“No service after 9 o’clock… Oh, just quit your dramatic bull already, and get your ass over here!”
“Jane… I’ve told you…”
“Plunge in… or I’m hurling your ass out of here,” she threatens. “Take your pick.”
I slam the pillows back in bed. “Holy mother of God.”
“C’mon,” she says, with her arms wide open, “let me snuggle you. C’mon.”
I lie close to her, and my susceptible heart bleeds out of desperation. “This is worse than being crushed by the elephant.”
She maneuvers herself around, so I can rest my head comfortably on her chest. “… While the snow leopard is sneaking in for an impending rescue,” she groans.
“The snow leopard can’t sneak in for a rescue anymore ’cause it’s already too late.”
“First of all, the elephant is way too sensible to crush you to death. Second of all, the snow leopard has always been prowling around mysteriously, waiting for an eventful pulsation. And third of all, you’re still undetectable. Still on the loose. Can’t do anything yet until you’ve found their tracks, leading you all the way to that… climactic spot.”
“And where the hell am I?”
“Rushing to catch a bus, not knowing where to go, with the culprits in hand…”
“… along for the ride. Got it. And it might probably take me a lifetime to find the value of Pi using calculus. You know what this means? My fairy godmother has already resigned due to a major love mishap. She’s transformed into a princess now, and I, the other princess from a faraway land, am stuck in a jungle packed with monsters. The monsters being the culprits. So then these monsters are attacking me with challenging puzzles that require mental-strained exercises to catch the right answers. And in the course of this strenuous test…”
“Kaz…” she interrupts, tossing away, cringing.
I look at her, and fears are screeching out of her eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“Let’s just… sleep now… all right?”
“My exhaustion has just… jammed right in, so…”
“Are you okay? You look kinda… scared… or something.”
“No no. I’m fine… I’m fine.” She clears her throat and turns her back on me.
“I thought you were gonna snuggle me and stuff,” I say.
“I will. Later.”
“I don’t wanna talk anymore. Just…”
“Okay… Did I say something wrong?”
“Kaz, enough already!”
“You sound so sad.”
“Just leave me alone, all right? Leave me alone!”
“I was only…”
“Kaz, I mean it! Jesus!”
I hear her moaning a soft cry. It is then for the first time that I have met my deepest soul. The deepest soul of all mysteries, truths and the endless beauty of mistletoe magic. I’ve heard Holly’s heartbreaking wails, Serene’s silent love prayers… But Jane’s soft cry transcends beyond my strengths and weaknesses… beyond my limited wisdom and desperate pleas… beyond who I am and my youth.
Yes, I’m 23 years old. And she has shown me all the wrongs in my life. And how to make them right.
Whether the single-word answer will be given to me or not, I know… Oh, even my psychotic blows know… that she’s the only mistletoe magic that I need… for the rest of my life.
I rest my arm over her. She moves a little.
I snuggle her close to me. She responds quietly.
I caress her hair. She closes her eyes to drift away.
I kiss her on the head. She smiles dreamily.
And I… Kaz Miles… succor to blissful tears. In silence.
“I love you,” I whisper into her ear.
“O evil you,” she moans a warm reply.
And it’s the most beautiful good night.
Jane wakes me up for breakfast in bed. The glorious summer morning sun is shining through the windows into the bedroom that almost burns my eyes. “Omelet, pancakes with butter and syrup, and coffee,” I say. “Wow.”
“Then we’re off to some adventures,” she says.
“And what adventures would that be?” I take a sip of coffee.
She grins. “You’ll see.”
“You’re scaring the hell out of me now.”
“You’re scaring the hell out of me.”
Riding in a gondola cabin at an elevation of 2281 meters above the rocky mountains switches my fear of heights on. “This freaky adventure is taking me out of my mothballs,” I pant.
“Relax,” Jane says, attempting to move.
“Don’t you dare perk off a spasm!”
“I was gonna sit right next to you.”
“Just stay right where you are!”
“This is not gonna fall, Kaz!”
“How long is this gonna take?”
“Eight minutes or something.”
“I so hate you right now!”
“You should have told me you were that scared of heights.”
“There’s grizzly bears down there, for god’s sake! Jane… I’m serious… I can’t…” I’m running out of breath.
“Should auld acquaintance be forgot,” she sings, “and never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days o’ lang syne…”
“Why the hell are you singing that song for?”
“Aw, come on, sing it with me!”
“… For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne… We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet, for auld lang syne…”
And so we keep singing the old New Year’s eve song until the gondola trip is over just to tame off my fear.
“Next,” she says, “horseback riding.”
“I am not a horse person,” I say.
“You were not a gondola person either, so shut it.”
“I am not getting on a horse alone, Jane. Or I would see death trailing along with me.”
“We’ll ride it together then.”
The horse is calm and adorable, thank god. My arms are wrapped around Jane’s waist and I stick my chin over her shoulder. All set! Go! And the guide takes us to a trail-ride.
“Hey, your finger is diving into my belly button!” she giggles.
“Tickles?” I tease.
“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”
“Depends. Well, right now, it makes me wanna… Nah, I don’t wanna say it.”
“I’ve got it.”
“Ooh. Another brain expansion miracle?”
“It’s one of my culprits.”
“Uh-huh! We’re getting there, aren’t we?”
“Can’t say. There’s still more to kill off.”
“Progress! I’d like that!”
“You feel it going?”
The lake cruise is up next in Jane’s list of adventures. So no ‘boner catastrophe’ to fear for this time. I am checking out the imposing paradise with my relaxed heart, though from time to time, Jane and I would exchange glances and smiles. Really, it compels me to go for the romantic kiss gesture. But!
I’ve gotta wait for her single-word answer first. No matter what.
I hold her hand. She welcomes it in with a soft grip.
I hug her from behind and rest my chin over her shoulder. She delivers her lips to my cheek for a kiss smack.
I whisper into her ear, “I really, really do love you.”
She whispers back, amused, “O evil you.”
Culprits, reveal your identities to me now, so I can finally savor the single-word answer that’s still dancing away… in the climactic spot. As the elephant and the snow leopard wait for my arrival. As I still rush to catch a bus, not knowing where to go, with you in hand along for the ride. As the cat’s been barking, and I still can’t hear it. As my luminous pupils still entertain the stirring actions, crawling out of my playful and petrified mind.
I’m leaving it up to the universe’s commands.
We drive back to our cabin at sunset, and all of a sudden… an alarming shift strikes in. Jane has been eerily quiet, and it pounds my head through fears.
“Kaz,” she says at dinner, “after this trip, I’m leaving for Halifax.”
“What?” I reply, horrified. “How long are you gone for?”
“I’m just gonna do the rest of my vacay, that’s all,” she says, staring down at her food. “I wanna visit my mom and my nephew.”
“So you’re gone for a week?” I yelp. “Is that it?”
“Pretty much,” she sighs, then clears her throat.
“Have you planned this all along?” I ask.
“Pretty much.” She takes a sip of her wine.
“Since when?” I lean forward.
“Since before this trip.”
“Then how come you’ve just told me about this now?”
“What’s wrong with that? It’s not gonna make any difference.”
“It’s not gonna make any difference to what?… I can’t… I can’t do this…”
“You’ll do just great.”
“Only for a week… right?”
“I just need to spend some time with my mom and my nephew. And you’ve got nothing to worry about. You’ve got a job, a good place, and red-head gay-dar will always be around to drive you up the wall, so…”
“I don’t know. I don’t feel good about this whole… sudden runaway… though… I don’t know.”
“It’s not a sudden runaway.”
“It is! You’re scared! You’re fricking scared! And you can’t scare the hell out of your fears!”
“I’m gone for a week! Can’t you give me that?”
“My instinct has caught a lie. No. I don’t believe you.”
She weeps. “Kaz, it’s only for a week. I promise.”
“Then why are you crying?” I say.
“Just let me go away for a week. Just for a week… Then…”
“THEN WHAT, JANE??? WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN NEXT???”
“Don’t yell at me!”
“I’m working on my culprits, all right? I’m finally figuring it all out, then you’re slamming this sudden runaway news in my face?”
“I’ve also got my own culprits to kill off, Kaz! I’ve gotta do something about them, too!”
“For a week? In Halifax? Without me? Since when did you decide that it’s finally okay for you to ditch me somewhere? Since when? Since I’ve manned up? Since I’ve understood something important? Since my psychotic blows have crippled down? Is that it?”
“I just need to go away for a while,” she sobs, collecting herself. “That’s it.”
“So go,” I say, fighting back my tears.
“I get it, okay? I get it. Just go. I’ll be fine. Unless it’s a forever runaway thing, then… You know what? Whatever. Just go… Just go…”
“I just need to figure something out for myself. Priorities, how to make some stuff work… My culprits… Truths… You know? The whole… domestic life… picture…?”