Gags of Egos

The Gags of Egos – Part Fifteen

"... Got a fluffy word?"

Log Line: Super cute Kaz Miles moves to the bustling city of Edmonton with NOTHING but dreams. No impressive work history, not enough money, no place to stay at… neither… brains for love and relationships! To make her idiosyncrasies even worse, she meets the beautiful, shrewd, principled — and — ‘super straight’ Jane Randall who becomes her roommate, self-proclaimed mentor, love guiding light, and… FANTASY!


Genre: Comedy/Drama/Romance/YA

Warning: Crude Humor/Language

Free Lesbian Fiction Online. The Gags of Egos.

Chapter Fifteen

Banff. Wow. The rocky mountains look mesmerizing. I’m literally running out of words to describe it.

Jane and I pull to a stop in front of… what appears to be… a private log cabin. The owner, Shelley, a conventional yet delightful woman in her mid-70’s, is enthused to meet us right away, with the key in hand. “Why, it’s great to see you again, Jane,” she says, giving Jane a quick hug.

“Great to see you too, Shelley,” Jane says. “Um, this is my friend and roommate, Kaz.”

“Nice to meet you,” I say, shaking Shelley’s hand.

“Oh, it’s so nice to meet you too, Kaz,” Shelley says, then surveys me and Jane. “Why, I love the sight of this! Something… kind... and refreshing?”

“Shelly,” Jane gasps uncomfortably.

Shelley snaps out of it and hands the key to Jane. “Hang on to it, dear. Don’t lose it. I’ll see you both whenever you need me.” And she walks back inside the cabin.

“We’re staying in the guesthouse,” Jane says. “Come on.”

“You stay here a lot?” I ask.

“Every season. A few nights… some weekends. But if I just wanna get away from everything, two weeks would do.”

“Did you always come here with someone?”

“Not always. Twice… with a guy.”

“No friends at all? Even Serene?”

“Nope.” She starts unloading the trunk. “Are you gonna help me or what?”

I grab our grocery bags from the back seat. “Jane, does that mean I’m this… you know… special… to you?”

She springs into a sharp laugh. “I won’t remind you of your shit again, Kaz. Now stop being so dramatic.”

“Just asking,” I groan.

The guesthouse is cozy and… it delivers a strongly romantic ambiance. There’s a fireplace, and there’s only…


“Now where am I supposed to sleep?” I grouse.

“We’re sharing the bed,” she quickly says, dropping our backpacks on the floor.

“Are you kidding me?”

“Is that another big baby tantrum?”

“It’s the… ‘I’m worried that I’d die right next to the woman whom I’m in love with… who can’t love me back’ kind of a big baby tantrum.”

“So you’d rather nurture that dreadful thought than paying attention. Like, gotta rush to catch the bus, not knowing where to go, with the culprits in hand along for the ride. While the cat’s been barking, and the luminous pupils are still entertaining the stirring actions crawling out of your shithead.”

“You can’t even answer my question! How the hell am I supposed to…?”

“That was already the answer to your question, Kaz.”

“Yes or no!”

“I’m not engaging in this crap again.”

“Yes or no! That’s all I need! Hey, I’m just following your lead here since day one! So is it yes… or no?”

“Pay attention, for god’s sake!”

“I’ve been paying attention, all right? And you’re always giving me an elaborate answer, which only complicates my goddamn head a lot more!”

“Because you don’t pay attention!”

“Goddammit, Jane!”

“Shut up! We’re here to have fun! Not indulge in our shit! You don’t even have a clue what you’re talking about, and you’re already expecting me to hop along? Screw that.”

Shush. Tears crash down on my blushed cheeks.

She grabs our groceries and slumps them down on the kitchen counter. She pauses and contemplates… as the familiar outrage boils away… uncontrollably this time.

O evil you,” she sobs.

“What?” I yelp.

“If only… If only you’d pay attention… even just for once… Just for once… So we could, at least, ease it off. Together.”

“Yes or no.”

“I swear to god, Kaz Miles… I SWEAR TO GOD!!!”

“Jane…” I collapse into tears.

“Let’s go have dinner,” she says. “I don’t wanna listen to your shit anymore.”

A romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant evokes some kind of a voodoo spell on me to make my first move on Jane. If only it were Christmas, and we would find each other under the mistletoe, then our first kiss would be accomplished right there and then… without all the furor. But it’s summer. And the heat takes over me with all the erotic fantasies that my head can ever conceive.

I so hate this season. Ugh.

“You okay?” Jane asks from across the table.

I snap off from my dirty thoughts. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

“You haven’t said a word yet since we’ve sat down. What’s on your mind?”

“Um, that music. That classical music. It’s beautiful.”

“It’s piano concerto number one. Tchaikovsky.”

“I love it.”

“Why do you feel awkward?”

“I do not feel awkward.”

“Yes, you do. Will you stop it? You’re making me feel uncomfortable.”

“Why did you bring us here?”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“Look at this place, for crying out loud. Looks like a heavenly Valentine’s Day getaway. Why do you think I feel more… whacked up?”

“Let’s not bring our crap over here, all right?”

“Why? Are you worried about your… ‘straight’ reputation?”

The familiar outrage is smoking up again. “You know what’s funny? I never even thought of that.”

“Yes or no,” I taunt her.

“I’ve told you… we’re not doing it here.”

“Yes or no.”

“You seriously want me to slam it in your face again?”

“Jane, please, I can’t take any more of your Socratic speeches, all right? You said so yourself, we’ve only got two answers. Yes and no. Just whop me up with one, so we can get it over with. That’s it. Then we can move along.”

“I don’t have to answer it for you. You’re supposed to answer it for me.”

“I’m supposed to answer it for you? Are you out of your fricking mind?”

“Yes, that’s right, Kaz. I’m out of my fricking mind.” She slips out bills from her purse and plops them on the table. “And the worst part is… I don’t even know who I am anymore.” And she walks out on me.

I run after her all the way to the parking lot. “Where are you going?”

“Let’s go to the Jazz bar now,” she says and gets inside the car.

I hurry into the passenger’s seat and slams the door. “I’m sorry.”

O evil you,” she says and turns the engines on.

We drive off amidst the tension. “What does it take for you to love me back, anyway?” I hound her.

“One more time,” she pants, enraged, “and I swear to god, I’m gone.”

“I’m sorry,” I burst into tears. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry, all right? I’m sorry!”

“Is that the best that you can do?” she shivers. “You’re desperate for me to hop along for the ride when you don’t even know all the shit that’s been going on? And then you throw your big baby tantrums, begging for mercy? Well, I’m sorry ’cause I happen to suck it all in myself, and it doesn’t require a goddamn single-word answer anymore! I’m sorry for not being Holly who just gives away her feelings the way that you expect for her to! And I’m sorry for not being Serene who slobbers herself all over you, with all the flustered love regulations! I’m sorry I’m not all that ’cause I can never be all that! You know why? ‘Cause I’m a woman! I’m a goddamn woman! I do stuff that I wanna do even if it means it scares the crap out of me! But I’m also a woman who needs respect! A lot of respect! So if you’ve been paying attention this whole time, since day one, then you damned well know that I’ve earned it myself! I’ve earned that respect! Now do you still wanna slap me with your big baby tantrum questions? ‘Cause if you do, I’m telling you, Kaz… I’d rather disappear than wallow in this outrage again… Don’t make me.”

I’m dumbfounded. “Okay. I’m sorry.”

“O frickin’ evil you.”

“We should just go home instead. I don’t like this trip anymore.”

“Do that in the morning if you want. But I’m staying right here until it’s over.”

“I love you.”

“O evil you.”

“Yeah. I’m evil, all right. Really evil.”

“Can we please just… have fun? Like, real fun?”

“How’s that even possible? We’ve been butting heads like crazy.”

“No shitting around. No bus. No culprits. No cat. No luminous pupils. No single-word answer demands. None of that crap. Can we do that?”


“Kaz… seriously… don’t make me go… huffy anymore, all right? It’s been debilitating me.”

“I don’t like that word. Huffy. Huffy huffy huffy!”

“Jesus,” she laughs.

“It’s so off, isn’t it?” I giggle.

“Oh, I love it. It’s like… a fluffy word for me. Got a fluffy word?”

“Not yet. But I will. Pretty soon. And I’ll beat you to it.”


“Yep. Big time.”

“We’ll see about that.”

The jazz bar has an intimate air that stimulates your brains to go for a romantic dance. I badly wanna hang myself right now.

We sit in a dim corner. I’m having ginger ale, and Jane is sipping her margarita. The band plays sexy tunes, and I feel the urge to lean in to seek for Jane’s kiss. But then again… I see her protesting hand landing on my face. So I must smack it out of my thoughts now. I should just close my eyes and live the moment in my fantasy instead. God, this is so pathetic.

“Jane,” I say, “if I were a guy… and if I’d ask you to dance with me… Would you…?”

“If you were a guy,” she guns on, “you wouldn’t even notice me, let alone ask me to dance with you. ‘Cause you’d already be here dancing with someone else. The most beautiful and most vulnerable girl you could ever find who’s head over heels for you, and you’re only with her ’cause of her pretty looks and how much of herself she can offer you just to satisfy your idea of love, not hers.”

“Is that really how you see me?”

“It’s how you operate.”

“All right, then. I’ve just got the answer… It’s a no.”

“Now we’ve got the brain expansion miracle. Perfect. Keep it coming.”

“It’s a no, isn’t it?”

“Do you wanna have fun? Or should I just walk out on your big baby tantrum ass again?”

“I just don’t know what to do anymore. The elephant has already crushed me to death.”

“The elephant has already crushed me to death.”

“You? How?”

Exactly what I’m talking about.

“It’s my elephant. I’ve created the elephant. Remember?”

“Your elephant. Of course. You here. You there. You you you.”

“You don’t have an elephant.”

“Then what do I have?”

“A snow leopard,” I surmise.

“A snow leopard?” she chuckles, amused. “Why?”

“I don’t know. I just thought of it.”

“See? There’s your problem, Kaz. You can’t just claim that I’ve got me a snow leopard just because your psyched-up brains have made that decision.”

“So I shouldn’t trust my brains then.”

“No. You pause, take it all in, feel and understand its worth, appreciate it, then kill the culprits.”

“So then what happens after the culprits are already out of the way?”

“Mistletoe magic.”

“And how am I supposed to kill the culprits when I don’t even know what they are or where they’re hiding?”

“You figure that out, and I’d give you a single-word answer. How’s that?”

“Jane, that’s like a calculus exam for me. Or Pi. Yeah, Pi. And I hated solving Pi problems.”

“Well, find the value of Pi using calculus.”

“You’re kidding!”

“You need a single-word answer, right?”

“I could have already taught a cat how to bark by then.”

“The cat’s been barking. You just don’t hear it.”

“I love you.”

“O evil you.”

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