Gags of Egos

The Gags of Egos – Part Twelve

"Oh god. Oh dear god. Really... I'm done. I'm so done."

Log Line: Super cute Kaz Miles moves to the bustling city of Edmonton with NOTHING but dreams. No impressive work history, not enough money, no place to stay at… neither… brains for love and relationships! To make her idiosyncrasies even worse, she meets the beautiful, shrewd, principled — and — ‘super straight’ Jane Randall who becomes her roommate, self-proclaimed mentor, love guiding light, and… FANTASY!


Genre: Comedy/Drama/Romance/YA

Warning: Crude Humor/Language

Free Lesbian Fiction Online. The Gags of Egos.

Chapter Twelve

“Need help with hurling yourself into the car or what?” Jane says, waving her hand, “Hurry up already. Jesus.”

“My bus leaves in an hour, for god’s sake,” I say, sliding into the passenger’s seat.

“It’s better to get there an hour early.” She settles herself behind the steering wheel, then clicks the engines on. “We can grab some coffee along the way if that would make you happy.”

“Ha-ha,” I groan.

“Aren’t you even excited?” She gives me a quick scowl.

We drive out of the apartment parking lot into the street. “I’m just scared, that’s all,” I say. “Not sure what it is though, but this fear is like… commanding my blood to stop circulating or something.”

“You’ll feel better once you see her.”

“Why are you so optimistic about this anyway?”

“Well, you’ve already informed the universe that she’s… your destiny. I’m just affirming it to you.”

“Well, your affirmation is scaring the hell out of me.”

“We’re not having this discussion again.”

“We haven’t talked about this seriously yet.”

“Are you expecting me to protest against your decision?”

“Even if I were, you could care less anyhow.”

“I care about your happiness. That’s why I’m here. What could be more lame than that?”

“You’re not really here!”

“She’s ‘Sleepless in Seattle’-ing you! It’s your romantic dreamland. You’ve finally got it. Stop whining now.”

“I suppose I can’t counter it, huh?”

“Absolutely not!”


“Good. Coffee?”

“Nah. I’ll have a cup while waiting for the bus instead. Don’t worry about it.”

By the time we park in the bus terminal lot, Jane and I instinctively gaze at each other. “We’re here,” she says, smiling.

“Which means… I gotta get my nervous-wreck ass out of the car then,” I say and grab my backpack from the back seat.

“I’ll see you…,” she says, “whenever…”

“Okay.” I slam the car door and hustle towards the entrance.

It’s only a quarter after 10 o’clock, and yet the place is packed. I see goodbyes and hellos in the crowd. God, this is making me sick… and miserable. I hate to admit it but I can already see myself being one of them. Oh, coffee. I must fall in love with how the world rushes first, and caffeine would do the trick for me.

“Hi,” I say to the coffee shop lady. “May I please get a large double-double?”

“Make it two, please,” a familiar voice butts in from behind.

I turn around and smile at Jane. “You have got to be kidding me. Are you gonna stick around until I get on the bus?”

She hands a 5-dollar bill to the coffee shop lady. “That’s for both. Thank you.”

“Jane,” I say, “I thought you had to run back right away.”

“I called them,” she says. “Serene has changed her mind about resigning, so she’s coming in today. And of course, the red-head gay-dar is there, so… yeah… I’ve got it covered. No worries.”

“Oh,” I say, nodding, “cool.”

“Here you go,” the coffee shop lady says, serving us.

“Thank you,” Jane responds and takes a sip of her coffee.

“You’re so polite,” I say.

“Come on,” she commands, “let’s get going.”

“Huh?” My eyes bulge.

“Three hours of driving won’t be as bad as over six hours zooming all the way down to Grande Prairie, will it?”

“You’re driving me to Calgary?”

“Yep. Just gotta make sure you wouldn’t get lost or anything, so… ready?”

“You are such a fairy godmother,” I cheer.

And off we take the roads to Calgary.

“So you’ve still got those fears?” Jane giggles.

“Yeah.” I sit back comfortably. “I’m scared to fly, so… bus it is!”

“I’ve been thinking of doing the blog site that you’ve suggested, actually,” she announces.

I lurch over to her side. “Really?”

“I think it’s a genius idea.”

“I knew you’d love it!”

“I’d like to thank you for that.”

“My pleasure.”

“So… tell me about Holly,” she inquires… morosely.

I take the deepest breath of my entire life and lay back. “I met her in 8th grade… She had such the most enchanting smile that she could have probably given to someone, and that image stuck in my head for so long, so then… I decided to befriend her, and well…”… I pause to sigh… “…in the course of our friendship, my feelings for her just got more intense, so I finally pursued her. And the rest is history.”

“What’s she like?”

“She would wipe my tears away every time we’d watch sad movies, she liked stroking my hair until I’d fall asleep, and she would also fancy tying my shoelaces.”

“She was evidently in love with you,” she moans.

“Yes, she was,” I dreamily say.

Her face turns glum. “Kaz, whatever happens, you can still count on me about anything, okay?”

I sneer. “Are you breaking up with me as my boss and roommate now?”

“I’m holding your hand.”

“Am I supposed to break the code of that enigmatic statement?”

“I think you were right. She’s definitely gonna ask you to move… to be with her.”

“If I scare the hell out of fears, then… yeah. Isn’t that what you said?”

She just throws me a meaningful smile. “How’s your memory coming along, by the way?”

“Jane,” I say, “you’re driving me insane here. Right now, all I can think about… is meeting her on the top of the Calgary Tower and giving her that lovely picture of New York city. That’s it. Oh, and by the time we get home, can we order pizza?”

“Kaz, you’re not taking this seriously, are you?”

“I don’t even know what I feel, all right? I feel like I’ve been floating in limbo land, finding my way out! That’s what I feel! It’s kind of like that betrayal kingdom that you were blubbering about, and it’s not fair!”

“I can’t believe you caught the betrayal kingdom speech out of all our shit,” she giggles. “Well, you can’t back off from this anymore… or you would spend the rest of your life wondering about it.”

“Right,” I say. “You were right. She’s obviously ‘Sleepless In Seattle-’ing me ‘cause she knew I loved that movie.”

“It’s not about the movie. It’s about what she’s been feeling for you.”

“This is not a sign. This is gotta be her way to make me fall in love with her again.”

“We are not driving back home!”

Why can’t you love me, too?”

And the familiar outrage shatters across her face. Again. “For god’s sake, how’s your goddamn memory coming along, Kaz Miles? How is it? Really! ‘Cause I’m ready to disappear any minute now!”

“Sorry,” I mutter. “I mean, how could a P-addict fall in love with me anyways? Right?”

“You call me that again, and I swear to god, I’m pounding your goddamn nose big time!”

“It’s what you’ve been calling yourself, isn’t it?”

“It’s what Seattle and Serene have been calling me.”

“That’s what you called yourself on our first day! Our very first day that totally whacked me right up! Remember?”

“You know what I hate? I hate the fact that your memory bounces along with shit like that! Shit that doesn’t even have any significance in how… I operate!”

“How you operate, Jane? How you operate? Let me tell you how you operate. You operate like a crossword puzzle, a scrabble, or a goddamn sudoku, with Socrates or Plato or Karl Marx on the side, yipping about human love nature and mistletoe magic when all this time, here’s my desperate ass, worshiping you and praying for you to love me back, and you still don’t give a crap about it!”

“No! You… You don’t give a crap about it!”

“You can’t fire it back to me like that? That’s not fair!”

“No, it’s not fair. Nothing has been fair. Now shut up ’cause I seriously don’t wanna listen to your shit anymore. I’m done. So done.”


“Shut up!”


Memories, help me locate the best of you in my head. Holly! Make Holly as the only one sitting in the center of my follies. Please, I’m begging you to.

“Look,” Jane says, “I’m never letting go of your hand. You can trust me on that one.”

“It just hurts,” I groan.

A tear drops on her face. She wipes it off right away. Now my heart is crushed. As I’m figuring out the culprits between us. As I’m understanding my memory. The memory that she’s been bombarding me about.

“Just meet her up there, and that’s all we should… worry about,” she says. “For now. Can we do that?”

“Okay,” I sigh.


I love you.”

No, you don’t.


“What did I just say? What the hell did I just say?”

“We should just worry about me… meeting her up there…”

“Right! Now stop proclaiming your shit anymore, and rushing to catch a goddamn bus, not knowing where to go! Jesus!”

“Why do you go seriously huffy each time I blast it out, anyway?”

“Because you’re a frickin’ idiot!”

“How? I just wanna know if you can love me back! And that already makes me an idiot?”

What else do you wanna hear from me? What? A list? A long list? What?”


She dazzles on with a sarcastic laugh. “I can’t believe I’m here. I seriously can’t believe I’m stuck with someone who doesn’t give a crap about anything.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I protest. “Of course, I give a crap! That’s why I’m whacked up! I give a crap!”

“You don’t know anything about love, Kaz. So stop shoving your case into my face. I’m sick of it.”

“So then… give me the love manual. That should keep my memory running.”

“All you gotta do is pay attention.”

“To what?”

“Oh god. Oh dear god. Really… I’m done. I’m so done.”

“Jane… I just wanna know…”

“Shut up, Kaz. I mean it… Just look at her again, then get your memory motor going.”

“Why can’t you talk to me like a normal person? Every single time you proclaim something, it sounds as though you want me to decode it.”

“There’s nothing to decode if your luminous pupils can catch all the rest of the shit, not just the stirring actions.”

“Well, the rest of the shit shows me that you can’t love me back.”

“Really! And how’s your memory coming along? Oh, and… there you are again. Rushing to catch a bus, not knowing where to go, with the culprits in hand along for the ride. How convenient.”

“I hate you.”

“Can we just get this Holly thing over with first?”

“Fine… You’d still hold my hand?”

“I’ve been holding your hand even if you’re still the coma guy. And that explains why my huffy weapon keeps on firing around. Now shut up.”

More on Cozy Series

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