Gags of Egos

The Gags of Egos – Part Eleven

"You're always rushing to catch a bus, not knowing where to go, with the culprits in hand along for the ride..."

Log Line: Super cute Kaz Miles moves to the bustling city of Edmonton with NOTHING but dreams. No impressive work history, not enough money, no place to stay at… neither… brains for love and relationships! To make her idiosyncrasies even worse, she meets the beautiful, shrewd, principled — and — ‘super straight’ Jane Randall who becomes her roommate, self-proclaimed mentor, love guiding light, and… FANTASY!

Goddammit!

Genre: Comedy/Drama/Romance/YA

Warning: Crude Humor/Language


Free Lesbian Fiction Books Online. The Gags of Egos.

Chapter Eleven

As I count the days to meet Holly on the top of the Calgary Tower, I keep the suspense going.

We continue to exchange messages as usual without even mentioning something about the ‘proposal’ at all. The thought of it gets me elated everyday, and I imagine it to be the most romantic scene of reunited love in gay chick chronicle. EVER!

It spurs me up to work on my book more, soooo…

Hello, egos! I’m coming right at ya! Get your integrity ready!

… Meanwhile… Jane…

Oh, Jane! Every time I see you, you’re breaking my heart! But …

… well… you know… I’m about to meet my destiny now…

ON THE TOP OF THE CALGARY TOWER TO CELEBRATE OUR SECOND-YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!! What could be more romantic than that?

Saturday morning storms in. Jane makes us breakfast, and I sit at the kitchen table, recollecting my past memories with Holly.

Oh, she loved me passionately and dearly. She gave me a perfect past, except that she would always bug me about coming out to my parents, so we would be free.

Though I know she would be proud and happy once I crack the news to her about my coming-out homecoming. And she would probably be embarrassed by the thought of my dad’s accidental peek-a-boo moment, but I’m pretty sure we would just laugh over it somehow.

Jane serves me a plate of omelet and a cup of coffee. “You’re off this weekend.”

“I thought I was scheduled to work today,” I reply.

“You gotta get ready for the trip.” She sits across the table and sips her coffee.

“My bus leaves at 11 o’clock in the morning,” I insist. “I’ve got time. I can still come in to work today.”

“You need to be well rested, so you can wear your best face.”

“I don’t have a best face. This is what I’ve got.”

“You know what I mean,” she sneers.

I take a bite of the omelet and savor it. “Oh my goodness. This is the best thing I’ve ever had in my entire life.”

She cackles. “You’ve got the sweetest face, but really… your mouth and your brains… and your heart, if I may add… must have been sold to the devil.”

“I beg your pardon?” I bolt on.

“It’s not about the omelet, Kaz. It’s about me… making it for you. And it’s alerted in your face right away with a blasting siren.”

“I can’t believe you’ve got time to notice that!”

And how’s your memory coming along?”

“You’re scaring me.”

“So have you picked up a present for her yet?”

“Am I supposed to?”

She gawks at me, then smirks in disbelief. “You know what? If I were her, I’d rather disappear on you and grieve over love than worry about my mental health diagnosis. Jesus.”

“Do you see the truth in my face every time I tell you how much I love you?” Yep. I’m a desperate asshole, all right. And I can’t contain myself anymore. I’m sorry.

“You’re always rushing to catch a bus, not knowing where to go, with the culprits in hand along for the ride. So no.”

“No? No? And you wonder why my life is crapped up, and I’ve got these culprits waving their red flags in your face?”

“I’m not gonna teach you how to pay attention and how to go psyched up with your goddamn memory, Kaz! So shut it.”

“I’ve been paying attention! I know! I know how much I…”

“I… I… You know how much youIt’s all about you!” she slams at me. “Your mouth! Blah blah blah! ‘Jane, please love me back! I love you so much, so you better love me back now! Like right now!‘ Yeah, Kaz! Like it’s really gonna happen on a pleading command just like that! You can’t even figure out your culprits at first glance, for crying out loud, and you’re already rushing to catch the bus, not knowing where to go!”

“Are you in love with me, too?” I sob.

“Oh God! How much more of this outrage do you need from me! Jesus!”

“Just answer the question, Jane. Are you in love with me, too?”

“Well, how’s your memory coming along?”

“Just answer me!”

“And that’s the answer.”

“You’ve said so yourself that we’ve only got two answers. Yes and no. How’s your memory coming along doesn’t count. Just like my ‘a little bit’. So then… what’s your answer?”

She moons into my luminous pupils… teary-eyed… “You’re meeting her on the top of the Calgary Tower. And my answer won’t matter at all.”

“Jane…” I beg, weeping.

“Cut the crap, Kaz, all right? ‘Cause I’m already tired of our shit. I’m tired of being angry and hopping along with you on a bus without a destination.”

“How are we gonna have a destination if you don’t even feel the same way for me?”

She jumps away from the table, growling… panting… With a familiar outrage… only a bit more amplified. “I gotta get to work before I pound your nose for real this time!” She stomps out.

“Jane!” I shout after her.

“Shut up!”

Door slamming!

I’m doomed.


I have been anxious as to what to do while Jane is at work. There’s gotta be something productive here that I can put my hands on that would satisfy my day somehow. I wanna work on my book, but my mind is jiggled by the Calgary trip. Like, excuse me, ego, but I may have to disregard you right now.

Back to that corner of my brains, impulsively signaling me to get up and do a bit of magic. Hmm. What could it be?

Jane.

Shit. Doesn’t anybody else exist besides her! Right. My destiny, Holly. Yes, thank God I remember! I’m so proud of myself.

So I have decided to motivate myself to browse through some of my favorite blog sites instead.

Come on. Give me something interesting here. Something that’s gonna turn me into Oprah. Something that would drive me to understand, respect, and love myself a lot more than I should… even if I would have to expose my skeletons to the world.

Something that would assure me that true love can be achieved.

And all of a sudden, a genius idea glitters into my head! MmmmmmmmmmMagic…!!!

Jane is busy with her bookkeeping task when I barge into her office, with a businesslike stand. I got her a cup of coffee, which then I casually hand to her.

“Thanks for the coffee,” she says, studying my effulgent eyes. “What’s up with you?”

“If you can’t afford to launch a top-quality online magazine yet,” I say, “then you might consider this option. A blog site about desperate chicks. Chicks like Serene. Especially chicks like me. Or to make it even more interesting, write articles about gay folks. Something inspiring, insightful, and fun. Interviews? Let’s do that. Captivating photos? We can find those online. I may also contribute some flash fiction stories if you want. We can promote it everywhere. Blubber-mouths, social media, fliers. Sky’s the limit. So what do say?” I must have run out of breath there.

She gapes at me for a moment, amused. “And you thought of that while you were thinking of what to bring for Holly?”

“I got bored,” I reason. “And my head was itching for a breakthrough, then it gave me this idea.”

“Kaz, you don’t even like butches, for god’s sake.”

“I’m gonna have to start liking them now then.”

“They deserve respect.”

“I do respect them now.”

“I’m not playing along with your ignorant bull here.”

“I’m sorry. Yeah, I’ll work on it.”

“Finish your book first.”

“I can work on it while I’m helping you with the blog site.”

“The blog site can wait. It’s just right there, laying around the corner, having a cold beer.”

“What in a world is holding you back anyway? Is it because you’re worried that I’d keep on bugging you about…”

“I’m worried that the blog site would kidnap you from your egos.”

“You don’t trust me.”

“I don’t trust your impulses.”

“My impulses are cooperating perfectly, Jane. They’re even more behaved than kindergartens.”

“You get distracted easily. You’re a bipolar sunshine. You can’t even figure out your culprits yet. Let alone cultivating your goddamn egos. Jesus.”

“I’m going to finish my book before fall. I guarantee you that.”

“Your optimism sounds refreshing. Now go back home and accomplish ten pages.”

“I can’t. Nothing’s bursting out yet.”

“Right. Because you’ve already been kidnapped by the idea of me running a blog site. Exactly what I was talking about. Gee. The kindergartens seem to be unruly, don’t you think?”

“I’ll come around.”

“All right. Forget about your book and the blog site for now, and just focus on Holly instead. Would that make you feel better?”

“Why are you pushing me away?”

“I’m pushing you to do the right thing until inspiration eats you up to fill out those blank pages.”

“There’s nothing that I would ever say that would convince you to do something. Or even feel anything.”

“I knew this was gonna lead to this.”

“I’m sorry. But I’ve already accepted the truth, Jane. That I can’t ever be with you, my words are not valuable enough, and that I need a goddamn shrink to keep my mental state focused on my egos.”

“Kaz, please, quit that self-pity crap, all right?”

“And how the hell am I supposed to do that? ‘Cause no matter what I do, everything about me is still drawn back to you.”

“Don’t you dare freak me away into outrage again.”

“And don’t you dare…”

“Kaz! Shut up! Just shut up, okay? I’ve already slammed it in your face so many times, and yet you still don’t know anything! You never pay attention! You don’t see it! You don’t feel shit! Nothing! Then you crawl down for mercy! I can’t… I can’t deal with it anymore!”

“What do you mean… I don’t see it… I don’t feel shit… When you’ve already known all along what I’ve been feeling this whole time!”

“And there you are again… with your I… I… It’s just all about you… YOU! And then you demand for an answer when your memory can’t even grasp anything!”

“I’m going.”

“Good!”

I sprint out of the office and bump into the red-head gay-dar. “What’s the fuss in there?” he asks.

“How to meet my egos,” I answer.

“That’s huge,” he says, though stumped.


Holly. It should only be the most important name springing up in my heart. In order to find peace inside of me, I have followed Jane’s advice instead. I got my destiny a present. I need to keep falling in love with the Calgary Tower moment, resembling Annie and Sam’s romantic meeting at the top of the Empire State building.

Oh my goodness, I am still in love with Holly. Oh, Holly. Yes, Holly. I miss you, Holly. Whew! Now I feel better. I should just keep on uttering her name, along with some convincingly Utopian words associated with love and passion… Just to avoid distractions.

“So what did you get for Holly?” Jane asks over dinner… as if our steamy arguments have already been snatched away by angels.

“Not gonna tell you,” I say.

“Fine. I respect that.”

“It’s a nice picture of New York city.”

“A what?”

“My present for Holly.”

She giggles, almost choking on her food. “Jesus, Kaz!”

“’Cause you have that look that burns my conscience,” I say.

“I’m chewing my food.”

“And hypnotizing me to spill the answer.”

“My mind is busy.”

“With what?”

“The bookstore. Serene doesn’t wanna work part-time there anymore. I need to hire two more people.”

“Pretty girls?”

“Anyone who deserves the job.”

“What if they’re pretty and they deserve the job. Like, they actually have the goods that you’re looking for.”

“As long as they’ve got the right goods, then they’ve got the job.”

“You’re a very uptight lady.”

“I am being logically business-minded.”

I savor a piece of salmon. “Jane, you’re such a good cook. Thank you for dinner.”

“You’re welcome,” she says, smiling.

And an absurd possibility loses my appetite. “What if Holly would ask me to move to Calgary to be with her?”

She looks at me. “You’re meeting her on the top of the Calgary Tower tomorrow evening. Can we focus on that for now?”

“I know, but Jane.. I feel it tingling around me. She will ask me to pack up my life here to be with her.”

“Look, if she’d ask you that, then your best bet would be to consult fears. If you scare the hell out of them, then go for the move. Simple.”

“You remember that time when I told Serene I loved her back? I can’t be in that shit-hole again.”

“That’s right… Have you ever done something noble for love?”

“How noble? Something that involves donating one of my kidneys?”

“Kaz, for once, would you please pay attention?”

“If bringing her flowers, setting up birthday surprises, or buying her a new dress would be sized up as ‘noble’, then yeah. I have.”

“That’s not noble, Kaz. That is how you mandate love.”

“You’re making love as the most intricate thing there is on the planet. So what would be… noble… for you then?”

“Figure it out for yourself.”

“Just give me an example.”

She rises and picks up her plate. “Get to bed early. You got a long trip tomorrow morning.”

“Why can’t you tell me now?” I say, softly slamming the table with my fist.

“It’s not my job to tell you about it.”

“You know what, Jane? Before I met you, my brains were at peace in terms of love and relationships. Now it’s all completely dismembered.”

“I’d take that as a compliment.”

“Don’t drive me to the bus depot tomorrow.”

“Come on,” she says, placing her plate in the sink. “Stop giving me the big baby tantrum now.”

“Why can’t you be normal?” I say.

“Can you?”

“I may be dumb at love and relationships the way that you perceive me to be, but you’re not an expert in them either.”

“I’ve been learning. The hard way… The. Hard. Frickin’. Way.”

“How?”

“Jesus, Kaz,” she says, scratching her head. “I’m done with my outrage now, all right? I’m done.”

“Well, then,” I say, “tell me something noble that you’ve done for love?”

“Okay, this is the part when the mediator has to blow the whistle now ‘cause clearly, your memory is crapped up.”

“Which memory?”

She grabs my plate and dumps it in the sink. “I’m washing the dishes. You go wash up now and get to bed.”

“You are not my mother!” I grumble.

“Kaz, enough already!” she raises her voice.

“Fine,” I sigh.


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