Gags of Egos

The Gags of Egos – Part Eight

What makes you a sweetheart?

Log Line: Super cute Kaz Miles moves to the bustling city of Edmonton with NOTHING but dreams. No impressive work history, not enough money, no place to stay at… neither… brains for love and relationships! To make her idiosyncrasies even worse, she meets the beautiful, shrewd, principled — and — ‘super straight’ Jane Randall who becomes her roommate, self-proclaimed mentor, love guiding light, and… FANTASY!


Genre: Comedy/Drama/Romance/YA

Warning: Crude Humor/Language

Free Lesbian Fiction Online. The Gags of Egos.

Chapter Eight

I start packing up as soon as I walk into the apartment.

“And where do you think you’re going?” Jane blasts at me.

“It’s none of your goddamn business anymore,” I say.

“Stop that!” She grabs my luggage and shoves me away. “You’re frickin’ running away again! And do you actually think it would make things better for you? For us?”

“Yes! Because it hurts seeing you everyday, knowing that I can’t have you!” I wail my heart out.

“You have me, Kaz!” she blares on. “You’ve always got me! Jesus!…” She paces around, panting… “You know what I feel like? I feel like I’m the frickin’ idiot here who’s been chasing you around since the first day! Since the frickin’ first day! If your goddamn memory can’t catch anything at all, well, it’s not my problem anymore! You keep on splashing around over this shit, and I don’t even see anything in there! Nothing! Just this crapped-up coma guy wallowing around, begging for mercy!”

“Because you’re the P-addict!” I cry. “And how could I possibly fall in love with a goddamn P-addict? I’m being a sucker who just refuses to face reality all the time because it feels like being trampled down by a huge elephant!”

She growls, frustrated. “Oh God. Oh dear God. You don’t even get any word that flies out of my mouth, no matter what I sound like or what monster has just taken over me…” She heaves an exhausting sigh. “You know what? Believe whatever it is that you wanna believe, okay? There’s nothing that I can do about it anymore ’cause it’s already been hammered right up into your head! So forget about the elephant then, and just focus on what we have right now.”

“And what do we have, Jane?” I say. “Because I can’t even breathe anymore!”

“Stop yelling at me!” she says.

I take a deep breath. “Fine. Go on.”

“We’re building a foundation,” she says. “That’s what we have right now, Kaz, and it makes me feel good. Because honestly, I’m also the coma guy. I wanna be Annie Reed, Sam Baldwin, Lucy, or Jack, but I can’t. It’s still inconceivable because, just like you, I also have dreams that I’m working on to achieve. So why don’t we help each other out instead, become really confident about life and who we are, and only then we would be ready to get on with… the mistletoe magic for real. How about that?”

“You’d be ready to fall in love with me too?” I say.

She flicks her fingers. Now the level of exasperation is one monstrous smack that can’t even fly into my books… Wait… Has she been declaring something important that I can never…? “Kaz,” she says, struggling to calm down, “if you weren’t this cute and lovable enough, I’d punch you. Like, I’d really, really punch you.”

“So does that mean I have a chance?” I say.

“Oh my god,” she snaps. “I don’t know how to survive this shit anymore. I seriously don’t… Okay, here it goes… Let’s give each other a chance to be happy. Really truly happy… Now did you get the subtext of that? Even just… THAT! Now that’s… already pretty straightforward… right there.”

“A chance to be happy with each other,” I say.

“Now here you are rushing to catch a bus, not knowing where to go.”

“What do you really feel about me, Jane?”

“What do you think? Huh? How do you see it? How do you see me? Jesus… Okay, fine. Open your mind, and just… try to get this. This. What I’m about to say to you… I can argue with you over everything and I’m still taking you to dinner afterwards. If you run away, I’d look for you everywhere and take you home with me. If you’re stuck somewhere with no way out, I’d build a door for you. That’s what I feel.”

“Should I take that as a compliment?”

“It is the truth,” she says. “I didn’t mean it as a compliment at all.”

“I’ve already told Serene about what I feel for you,” I say.

“Now she hates me a lot more, huh?”

“She could hire a serial killer for us both.”


“So what’s gonna happen now?”


We have agreed on an Italian restaurant to hit the spot of our guilty pleasures. Some sweet, salty, spicy, and delectable creamy pasta has made me forget about all the twaddles in my life even just for a moment. But then again, when I look at her, there it is. She’s so close, and yet out of reach.

How can I tweak her feelings off for me?

“See that man over there?” Jane says.

“The one with a detached face?” I reply.

“He worries about his finances.”

“How do you know?”

“Look at him. He looks like he wants to dash out of here any minute. He hardly talks to his date, and he’s been budging around like he wants to scratch his balls, or maybe his pubic hair is growing. Who knows. But he already knows that she’s gonna leave him eventually.”

“Because he’s not financially secure.”

“Because he’s irresponsible. I bet you, he doesn’t even know what kind of career he wants. That’s why his money situation is dwindling, which affects the rest of his life… Now look at the other guy right there. What do you think of him?”

“He looks happy.”


“Is there supposed to be an and…?”

“He looks happy and he feels very confident about being here.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means he already knows where his life is heading. And he’s ready to make that ladylove happy.”

“What’s the point of this?”

“The point is, you can’t make someone happy if you can’t make yourself happy first.”

“And by being happy means…”

“We all have egos, Kaz. See, my ego is I wanna curate an online magazine that would improve women’s lives. Once I’ve kicked it off, and it’s running good, then it boosts my confidence. I’m happy. Then I’m ready to make someone else happy.”

“Why don’t you start doing it now?”

“There’s so much to do at the bookstore, so I still need to find a lot of time for it. Besides, I still need to save up more to finance it and make sure it’s top quality.”

“How much more do you need?”

“I’d rather keep it to myself, thank you very much.”

“Whatever… So what do you think my ego is?”

“Your first book.”

“I have, at least, three egos, Jane.”

“Your first book. Good amount of savings. And New York city.”

“I’ve said, at least, three. You’re in the list, which makes it four. No. Actually, there’s more than that. Hang on. I gotta think.”

“Kaz, just focus on the first three for now, okay? We both know you can’t handle any more egos than that.”

“They’re my egos, all right? I wanna have more if I want to.”

“You’re already choking yourself on one alone, for crying out loud.”

“Because you’re pushing me away.”

“Then I wouldn’t waste my time being here with you if I was pushing you away.”

“You’re here with me but you’re pushing me away from the possibility of being with you for real.”

“I thought we had already reached an agreement on that one.”

“Make myself happy first. Fine. Book. Good amount of savings. New York City. Done. Now when are you gonna start your online magazine?”

“My magazine is not for you to worry about.”

“It is a big deal for me because it’s very important in your life. It’s your ego. Because once I meet my egos, it wouldn’t matter anyhow until you’ve already met yours. I need to know how and when we can synchronize our egos together, so I don’t have to worry anymore.”

“Kaz, the foundation. Very important.”

“For the love of God, we’re already doing it. Right here. We’re having pasta. You want us to do household stuff together to ignite this? Fine. Let’s do it. From washing each other’s coffee mugs to cleaning our toilet bowl. No problem.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about.”

“Then what? What do I have to do, Jane? What does it take for you to love me back?”

Our waitress pauses halfway as soon as she overhears my passionate outrage. Jane and I turn to her at once, mortified. Reluctantly, she steps closer, blushing, though imparting us with a demure smile. Her flashy brown eyes are rendered to me. “Hi. So how was the food?”

“Fine,” Jane and I groan at once.

The waitress picks up my plate, smiling. “Glad you enjoyed it.”

“Tab, please,” Jane orders her.

“Sure,” the waitress replies. “Split, or…”

“It’s on me,” Jane interrupts her. “I took her out on a date.”

“Oh,” the waitress says. The blush on her face quickly dies out. “Be right back.” And she walks away.

“What was that about?” I innocently ask Jane, mystified.

“She was clearly flirting with you,” she replies.

“She was?” I raise my brows. “That was already flirting?”

“See, that’s the problem with you, Kaz,” she says. “You do not pay attention.”

“I do pay attention. I did. That’s why I asked.”

“You asked because you had no clue as to what she was doing because you weren’t paying attention to her actions.”

“Oh, well, I’m sorry if I can’t read body language.”

“Why do people behave the way that they do around you. It’s because they’re connected to your subconscious. If you don’t catch that phenomenon, then you’re missing out on something, that’s why you’re pissed all the time.”

“You’re telling me that… had I noticed it, I should go after her?”

“I’m telling you… that everything that’s going on around you is there for a reason. All you need to do is determine its worth, then you decide and act on it. Like, getting on the bus, knowing where to go.”

“Jane, you’re complicating my head,” I say.

“That’s the culprit talking,” she says.

The waitress returns and hands the tab to Jane. “Here you go.”

Jane glances at the piece of paper and settles the amount with her along with a generous tip. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” the waitress amiably replies. “And thanks for the tip.”

“No problem,” Jane says. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” the waitress says.

“Would you date her?” Jane refers the embarrassing question to me.

The waitress smiles. “Um, I’m straight, but, yeah, I would.”

“Why?” Jane asks.

“’Cause she has a bright face,” the waitress says. “And she’s… super cute.”

“Everyone can see that she’s super cute,” Jane fires up. “But what makes her face bright?”

“She’s so full of life,” the waitress says, “and it just makes me wanna know her more. She seems to be a sweetheart.”

“Thank you,” Jane says, dismissing the balderdash.

“Have a good night, ladies.” And the waitress walks away.

“I swear to God,” I say, “I’m about to decapitate myself right now.”

“A sweetheart, huh?” Jane giggles.

“What’s so funny about that?” I say.

“What makes you a sweetheart, by the way?”

“You’ve gotta be kidding me. You’re literally asking me that stupid question?”

“Yeah. Come on. This is fun.”

“I can’t believe you’re getting giddy over this.”

“Come on, tell me. What makes you a sweetheart?”

“You sound like my Algebra teacher.”

“If you really want me to kiss you under the mistletoe, answer the damned question,” she needles on.

I’m stirred. “I can sing and play ‘Auld Lang Syne’ on the piano.”

“That does it, Kaz,” she bursts out laughing. “You don’t even know what makes someone a sweetheart, for God’s sake!”

“So what makes someone a sweetheart anyway?”

The sweetheart conference goes all the way to our apartment. “If you figure that out before Christmas,” Jane says, “then you might actually get me to… be with you for real.”

“Even without the egos taking into place?” I say.

“Even without the egos taking into place,” she enunciates. “However, it wouldn’t mean I would jump into bed right away once I’ve realized that because I’m still sticking to my ego regardless.”

“Then there’s no point of you announcing your love for me because nothing would come out of it anyhow.”

“Not until you have met one of your egos.”

“So you wouldn’t act on your feelings at all?” I say.

She responds with a devious grin and shakes her head. “Ah, Kaz. Really. I don’t know what else I should do around you… and for you… to make you catch even just a sprinkle of a beautiful realization. I can’t even… Grrr!”

“Your principle sucks!” I say.

“Oh, you’re always free to fall in love with someone else once you get tired of our shit,” she says in a sarcastic tone, “and I’m always free to bring justice to my crown as the P-addict. How’s that?”

“Even though you already feel something for me?”

“Want a beer?”

“I could have probably taught a cat how to bark by then,” I whisper, still immersed in our puzzle.

“Huh?” she reacts.

“I could have probably taught a cat how to bark by then.”

“The cat’s been barking around. You just don’t hear it.”

I need to come up with a wise plan… as an inspiration for my debut book spirals through my unwavering heart.

More on Cozy Series

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