Gags of Egos

The Gags of Egos – Part Seven

"And I will always take you home with me."

Log Line: Super cute Kaz Miles moves to the bustling city of Edmonton with NOTHING but dreams. No impressive work history, not enough money, no place to stay at… neither… brains for love and relationships! To make her idiosyncrasies even worse, she meets the beautiful, shrewd, principled — and — ‘super straight’ Jane Randall who becomes her roommate, self-proclaimed mentor, love guiding light, and… FANTASY!

Goddammit!

Genre: Comedy/Drama/Romance/YA

Warning: Crude Humor/Language


Free Lesbian Fiction Online. The Gags of Egos.

Chapter Seven

“Seattle will be here at 11,” Jane says. And the bookstore is now open for business.

“Please don’t say his name,” I say. “I call him the red-head gaydar.”

“What’s up with Seattle?”

“I can’t tell you. It’s sacred.”

“Kaz! Come on, spit it!”

“It’s sacred. Just respect it, and move on! Pow. Done.”

“Aw, c’mon. You know that I’m gonna keep on bugging you until you tell me, right? It’s my bitch snap, and you know it.”

“If I told you, you would absolutely do something with it to make me feel horrible.”

“Promise. I wouldn’t do anything with it to make you feel horrible.”

“You promise?”

“I’ll take you to dinner tonight as a sign that I’m gonna keep it.”

“You’re bribing me.”

“I’m offering you a promise.”

“Fine,” I sigh. “One of my favorite films of all time is ‘Sleepless In Seattle’, and I watch it every Christmas eve. Only on Christmas eve though, because I believe that it brings me good luck in romance the following year. If I happen to stumble on it at an odd time, even just taking a glimpse of it, then I wouldn’t have any luck in love at all until after I get to watch it in that particularly special moment, so… there you go. There’s my kink. Happy?”

Jane is taken aback by my aberration. “Huh.”

“There’s two of them, actually,” I ramble on. “The other one is ‘While You Were Sleeping’. I watch them both on Christmas eve, back to back. And one of my dreams is taking the woman whom I’m gonna be spending the rest of my life with to the top of the Empire State building. Not on Valentine’s day though, but on Christmas eve. It’s ironic because I’m scared of heights, but I don’t care.”

“And what’s with ‘While You Were Sleeping?”

“I see myself as Lucy. Dreaming of having someone because she’s alone. Then she…”

“I know how the movie goes. You don’t need to tell me the entire plot anymore.”

“You’ve watched it, too?”

“I’ve watched both of them.”

“You don’t like them at all?”

“Romantic comedies, huh, Kaz?” she says, whizzing away from my question. “And straight ones, if I may add.”

“Are you telling me that I’m only supposed to like gay-themed movies because of who I am?” I say.

“I did not say that. You are what you read. You are what you watch.”

“And what does that make me then?”

“According to the love norms, you wanna be hopeless romantic, but you don’t know how.”

“And what does a hopeless romantic mean?”

“You believe in the mistletoe magic. That’s what a hopeless romantic means.”

“I believe in the mistletoe magic?”

“Jesus. Annie is falling in love with a guy whom she hasn’t even met yet, Lucy is in love with a guy that she hasn’t even talked to for real, then goes on falling in love with the brother instead! Sam can’t sleep, Jack is always around, and Peter is in a coma. Which one are you?”

“I never really thought of that.”

“You are the coma guy, Kaz!”

“How am I the coma guy?”

“You wake up, meet the girl, convince yourself that you’re in love with her, propose to her, only to find out she’s in love with another.”

“It’s not my fault that I’m in a coma.”

“Let’s get down to the bottom of this, okay? Annie does something about her feelings. And when Sam offers his hand to her in the end, he believes that he is going to have another beautiful and perfect love again. Lucy allows herself to kiss Jack under the mistletoe no matter what the consequences would be, and Jack makes his efforts to get to know Lucy. And you’re none of that.”

“I’m Lucy!”

“Lucy welcomes Jack into her life without a single doubt in her mind.”

“You know these movies too well, huh?”

“Let’s get to work.” And she walks away.

“Wait a minute! You can’t walk out on me like that!” I yell after her, “We’re having a discussion here!”

She turns around and gazes at me. “Okay. What do you wanna know?”

“I wanna know if they’re your favorites too,” I say.

“I’ve watched them. I’ve liked them. It doesn’t mean they’re my favorites as well.”

“You’re lying.”

“Let’s get to work, okay?”

“We’re not through with this yet!”

As I watch Jane hastening into her office, it occurs to me that her mind and her mouth have gone separate ways. So I dare myself to harass her.

“Jesus! What else do you wanna hear from me?” she squeals.

“Your mind and your mouth just broke up,” I say.

“Okay okay okay!” she shrills. “I watch ‘While You Were Sleeping’ every Christmas morning, and ‘Sleepless In Seattle’ every Valentine’s day, so… there it is. Out into the universe now. Can’t bargain anymore. Now what?”

… And we give each other a penetrating look… in dead silence…

“Weird,” I mutter.

“I know,” she says, fighting back her tears.

“Then why are you sad?” I say.

“Because I never thought I would find another person for real who also does the same shit.”

“Me too.”

“Shall we get to work now?”

“Yeah. Good idea.”


There are three types of readers in the world: voracious, pretentious, and forced. I have encountered them all today. Even the oddballs who have forgotten the existence of the internet.

‘Do you have a book on the history of superman?’

‘I need to learn everything about metaphysics. Which section is that?’

‘Is there a cookbook around here that has a recipe called Cocoa-Cayenne Popcorn?’

‘Which book would you recommend if I were to find out about witches and vampires?’

‘I’m doing a report on Chopin. Would you help me which book I should use for a good reference?’

‘You got a book about Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene?’

‘Isaac Newton! Anything?’

As we are closing up, the red-head gaydar finally finds time to besiege me, “Didn’t you feel like strangling some customers today?”

“Strangling?” I say, “I was hoping for apocalypse to smash down on earth!”

“So how’s it going between you and the boss?”

“We’re better, actually.”

The news tickles him. “Wage is still on?”

“Not gonna happen!” I say.

“Almost done?” Jane interjects.

“Yeah,” I reply.

“You may take off now,” Jane orders the red-head gaydar.

The red-head gaydar looks muddled at first, then realizes something and awards me with a crafty grin. “Have fun, ladies. Enjoy the night. Mwah mwah mwah!” And he trots out of the bookstore.

“What’s with him?” Jane is amused.

“He believes I can switch you to the other side,” I say.

“You mean…”

“Exactly.”

And how’s your memory coming along?”

“Huh?”

Her face goes dim. “Of course. The culprit. Always… So where would you like to go for dinner?”

“Uh…” I rattle.

“Hey!” Serene bursts in.

“Hey you,” I greet her.

“Hi, Serene,” Jane says, forcing a smile.

“Hey, Jane,” Serene responds.

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s national awkward day!

“I promised Kaz I would take her to dinner tonight,” Jane alerts Serene.

“Oh.” Serene flinches, staring at me. “You could have, at least, replied to any of my messages today.”

“I was working.” I have to come up with a rational alibi.

“Whatever. Well, if you ever come to your senses tonight, call me.” And Serene hustles her way out.

“Would you wanna ask her to come with us though?” Jane asks.

“Nope,” I answer. “Would you?”

“Nah. And would you call her later tonight?”

“Nope. You think I should?”

“Kaz, you gotta end this bullshit already.”

“I will.”

“Good.”

“Jane… if I were a guy…”

“Not a chance.”

“I wasn’t even done yet!”

“I already knew what you were gonna say, and the answer is no!”

“Why not?”

“Because you don’t even know how to show your appreciation for your girl first thing in the morning, and that’s just one of your shit, and it’s already killing me!”

“But I don’t have one, really.”

“Because you’re a prick. You’ve led Serene on, and now it’s all messed up.”

“I need an inspiration to write.”

“That’s your excuse? You’ve made someone fall in love with you just to give you inspiration to write? How about if I pound your nose on behalf of this poor girl’s heart that you intend to break?”

“I’d take it.”

“There’s inspiration everywhere, Kaz. Stop looking for it in yourself alone.”

“All right, inspiration expert. Give me an example. Where can I find it?”

“It depends on what you wanna write about.”

“I wanna write about… not falling in love with someone who doesn’t want you.” Boy, I’ve manned up, all right.

She pauses, cowering. Then she bites her lip and looks at me. “And how’s your memory coming along?”

“You’re kicking me out now? Are you gonna fire me? Because, for god sakes, Jane, this is the reason why I’m crapped up! ‘Cause I’ve been trying really hard to kill this shit off, but I can’t! I can’t, all right? I just can’t! And I don’t know what to do about it anymore! Now tell me how to stop it! Tell me!”

“I can’t help you with that, Kaz. I’m sorry.”

“I wish you would want me. too,” I convulse into tears. Goddammit. The cat is out of the bag now. And I feel like falling off from the top of the Empire State building… already! “Dinner’s canceled.” I walk out on her. Again.

“Kaz!” she shouts after me.

I turn around and spread my arms wide. And there we are again, on the very same spots of the pavement outside of the quaint bookstore. “What? Do you wanna say you’re sorry again? I’ve already got it! Once is already enough! Loud and clear!”

“I’m still taking you home with me,” she says, wiping off her tears. “And I will always take you home with me.”

“But you can’t take me… in there…” I say.

“Yes, I can,” she weeps. “You’re… um… you’ve become the most… beloved person in my life… Of course, I can.”

“And that’s it. You’ve just made it sound so safe and subtle. What could be more painful than that?” And I walk away.


I have called Serene to meet me at the coffee shop on 106th street, and she shows up as soon as she can. “What happened?” she says, taking a seat beside me.

“I’ve had a fight with Jane,” I say, looking disoriented.

“You guys always argue anyway. What’s new?”

“No, Serene. This one is different.”

“Different, how?”

“Look, I haven’t been completely honest with you since day one, okay?” I say. “I know you’d hate me forever for this, but… I have been in love with Jane this whole time.”

“You two can go to hell,” she says. “That’s all I gotta say. Go to hell.”

I could have lied to her just so I would have a new home to go to. But my hope to get my fantasy to love me back would keep on lingering around, though I know deep down in my heart that’s all she could ever be…

A fantasy!


More on Cozy Series

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