Log Line: Super cute Kaz Miles moves to the bustling city of Edmonton with NOTHING but dreams. No impressive work history, not enough money, no place to stay at… neither… brains for love and relationships! To make her idiosyncrasies even worse, she meets the beautiful, shrewd, principled — and — ‘super straight’ Jane Randall who becomes her roommate, self-proclaimed mentor, love guiding light, and… FANTASY!
Warning: Crude Humor/Language
“Hello.” I come up to the lone attendant, who’s shuffling through files behind the counter. He must be in his early 20’s as well. And just at first glance, I can instantly hear him screaming ‘I’m gay!’. He is a red-head, dressed in an ostentatiously fashionable outfit, not in a fabulous drag-queen zone though, but a hip-looking homosexual young man that girls would like to be friends with.
“Why, hello there, cutie,” he says, smiling. “You must be Kaz Miles, I believe.”
“That’s me,” I say.
“Well, and so we have met,” he says. “Jane just can’t stop blabbing about you.”
“Blabbing about me? What did she say?” I’m already spooked.
“I’ll make you a deal,” he says. “A hundred bucks in cold cash if you could drag her over to our league. You see, she’s a P-addict, and I have already sworn to the gay gods that I can’t have left-overs anymore. I gotta have me… something fresh, meaty, and no traces of Jane’s territory. No traces. Nah-uh. She’s a scary competition, babe. And it’s only right to oust her from my neighborhood. So are you in?”
“I wanted to know what she said about me.” He might as well wage on a fairy godmother’s magic wand to make Jane fall in love with me.
“Just some silly little things,” he says. “And how cute you are when you get mad. Nothing bad, really. But I’ve got a bursting feeling that she’s soooooo… into you though. Gaydar. Blink, blink, blink!”
“She likes messing around with me, that’s for sure.” How can I ever make a P-addict fall in love with me? That would be like… a deadly bout between miracle and magic.
“By the way,” he says, “I’m Seattle.”
“What?” I say.
“That’s my name. Seattle. You know, that US city, Seattle?”
“Is that your real name?”
“My mother gave birth to me in Seattle. So she named me Seattle. Is that a problem?”
One of my favorite films is ‘Sleepless In Seattle’. It is very sacramental to me that I religiously watch it every Christmas eve. Only on Christmas eve though. Because I believe that once I accidentally take a glimpse of it, then bad luck rolls in for me the following year. Same with ‘While You Were Sleeping’. And the only person who knows about this kink is my ex. “It’s nice meeting you.” I refuse to verbalize his name in the spirit of my idiosyncrasy.
“Nice meeting you too,” he says. “Don’t forget our deal, okay? Oh, Jane is expecting you in her office now. Come on. I’ll lead you to it.”
Jane is seated behind her desk, typing away on her laptop computer. She immediately dismisses her work the moment the redhead gaydar and I enter. “You’ve made it,” she says.
“Of course I’ve made it,” I say.
“Thank you, Seattle,” Jane acknowledges her attendant, slash friend, slash secret enemy.
“Good luck.” He winks at me and exits.
“Take a seat,” Jane says.
And I politely obey. “Are we gonna pretend that we don’t know each other?”
“We don’t know each other,” she says.
“I mean, that I’m your roommate, and we…”
“Kaz, I know. But we don’t know each other.”
“Is that a hypothetical statement?”
“That’s a philosophical statement.”
Before we crucify each other, I hand her my CV. “Since this has to be a professional dealing, there’s my resume.”
She glances at it. “So that’s what you believed you could do.”
“I’m sorry?” I say.
“You were an attendant at a gas station,” she enumerates, “then a cashier at a dollar store, then you flipped burgers, then you became a hostess, and finally, you were promoted as a supervisor at the same slimy restaurant. That’s what you believed you could do.”
“They were decent jobs,” I say. “I fed, clothed, and sheltered myself ‘cause of them.”
“And that’s what you believed you could do.”
“What are you saying? That I was undermining myself?”
“I’m saying that you don’t know who you are, and what you’re capable of.”
“I had to make money somehow. I never relied on my parents since I was fourteen. That, to me, was an achievement.”
“And you’re already proud of that, knowing that you put up with all the shit just to make ends meet.”
“Yes!” I’m about to thrash myself against the blues.
“If you did not do all these things,” she says, leaning forward, “what would you rather do?”
“I wanted to go to college, major in English, write books, and teach Literature.”
“And you believe that you can’t do all that?”
“Jane, just get to the point of the matter here, all right? Do I get the job or not?”
Prick. Damn it. This is worse than going through a break-up. “Thank you for your time.” I blitz out of her office and find Serene and red-head gaydar indulging in a quiet conversation.
“Kaz!” Serene approaches me, smiling. “So how did it go?”
“I didn’t get it,” I say, shaking.
“What?” Serene and the red-head gaydar protest at once.
And Jane emerges from her throne. “Kaz, listen…”
“How could you, Jane?” Serene pops off.
“Yeah! How could you!” the red-head gaydar seconds the motion.
Jane ignores them, and turns her full attention to me. “May I speak to you alone, please?”
“I got her, okay?” Serene says. “I’m gonna recommend her to my boss at the restaurant. I think she’d be a good bartender.”
“No, she wouldn’t be a good bartender!” Jane argues.
“Why are you giving her such a hard time for?” Serene jumps on.
“Of course I have to give her a hard time because…” Jane bestows me with a forthright look. “… Because she can do better than that… You did not let me finish, Kaz. No, you didn’t get the job to make it as a lifetime career… Because I need you to believe in what you can offer to us, to this world, and with everything that glows inside of you…”
Serene and the red-head gaydar stand in awe. And I, Kaz Miles, wanna kiss the ‘freak-out head’ who makes my heart race against my fantasy. “Thank you,” I say.
“Shall we?” Serene asks me.
“Shall we, what?” Jane butts in.
“Kaz and I have plans for today,” Serene says.
“Plans?” Jane disapproves. “Since when?”
“We bumped into each other yesterday,” I say, “as I was walking home from the grocery store, so…”
“It’s your first day at work,” Jane says.
“Well, I didn’t know that today would mark the first day of my bookstore career,” I say, “so I asked her out for coffee.”
“See, that’s the problem with you,” Jane says. “You don’t have a tick of confidence.”
“What does that have to do with me asking a pretty girl out on a date for?” I say.
Serene and the red-head gaydar look amused.
“You didn’t believe that you would get this job!” Jane fights on.
“How was I supposed to believe that when you’d keep on ganging up on me this whole time?” I say.
“Because I want you to have something to fight for!” Jane says. “Because I bet, even up to this second, you have no idea what really means to you!”
“What really means to me right now, Jane, is to have coffee with a pretty girl,” I say. “Something that I have already planned out before this interview.”
“Oh, and this job doesn’t mean to you at all?” Jane says.
“Of course, it does!” I say. “It’s just that I don’t wanna disappoint Serene right now! It’s our first date, for God’s sake!”
“But you would rather disappoint me,” Jane says, “your boss.”
“I did not say that,” I say. “I just didn’t know that today would be my first day at work, so I asked her out.”
“You asked her out without even considering the fact that you could start working here today,” Jane says, “which should have been your first priority!”
“So this is what’s going on at home, eh?” the red-head gaydar comments.
“Jane,” I plead, “please, I am so sorry that it didn’t occur to me that I would start working today. Just let me have coffee with Serene, okay? Please…”
“Fine,” Jane sighs. “I need you back here in an hour.”
“Forget it,” Serene says. “We’ll just do it some other time instead. Just grab my phone number from Seattle. I’m out of here.” And she kisses me on the cheek, which confounds Jane and twitches the red-head gay-dar’s nose. “See ya, Kaz.” Then she clears herself out of the bookstore.
“What the hell was that all about?” Jane grills on.
“So she kissed me,” I say. “On the cheek. What’s the big deal?”
“It is a big deal!” Jane and the red-head gaydar shatter at me in chorus.
“You first,” the red-head gay-dar instructs Jane.
“Dating shouldn’t be your first priority,” Jane advises me.
“And what would be your standpoint?” I challenge the red-head gaydar, though I already know what it is.
“Well…” he stammers… “… Jane… was right… I totally agree with her…”
“What is the matter with you?” Jane curiously roasts him.
“You should probably start interrogating him about that,” I say.
“Is there something that I should know?” Jane says.
“Nothing,” the red-head gay-dar and I respond at once.
“All right, guys, get to work,” Jane sounds off. “Seattle, show Kaz around, and teach her everything that she must know.” And she zaps back into her office.
“You cannot out me to her with our deal,” the red-head gaydar strictly informs me.
“There is no deal, okay?” I say. “It is never gonna happen, and I don’t hope for it to happen in this lifetime. At all.”
“She is clearly into you, you blind lesbian fox,” he says. “You see how jealous she was when she found out about you and Serene?”
“Oh, trust me. That was not jealousy,” I say. “That was another bitchy attack to make my life more miserable. It’s been going on since the first time we met. So I know there is no blink-blink there at all, as far as my belly button is concerned, though.”
“How can you be so sure about that?” he says.
“She’s been terrorizing me about my sexuality,” I say, “and even whether or not I can afford new panties.”
“That devil,” he says.
“Exactly what I would say,” I say.
“You got your phone there?” he says. “I’ll give you Serene’s number.”
As I pull out my phone, Jane scampers out of her office. “Exchanging phone numbers, so you two can bitch about me?”
“He’s just about to give me Serene’s phone number,” I say, “that’s all.”
“Get to work!” she commands.
“What time am I supposed to be off?” I ask.
“You’ve just frickin’ started! My God!” she explodes. “See? This is exactly the reason why your life is a mess!”
“I was only asking a question!” I say. “As your employee, it’s my right to ask you that question! I don’t even know what my schedule is yet! What is wrong with that?”
“I know, but once an employee asks that question on her first day,” she says, “it means she is not delighted about the job at all, and the only thing that buzzes through her mind is getting out of here! Now do you wanna work, make money, and make something out of your life or what?”
“Of course I do!” I say. “But you gotta stop accusing me of crap already! I’m so sick of it!”
“Oh boy,” the red-head gaydar stutters.
“I am not accusing you of crap, Kaz!” Jane retaliates. “I’m simply verbalizing your actions in a logical way that would serve as a wake-up call for you!”
“I already know that I’m crapped up, all right?” I cry out. “Thanks to you, that’s why I’m here to make something out of life! But all you do is yup about how tragic I am as a person, and that I’m an idiot! Now will you excuse me, boss, I can’t work today! So fire me if you want to!”
And I make my epic walk-out.
“Kaz!” she calls after me.
I pause and turn around. We’re both standing on the pavement, by the street as the morning rush thuds in. “What? I’m fired now? Good!”
“Get your ass back in here!” she says.
“No, Jane. Perhaps, Serene was right. I’d be a good bartender.” I turn my back on her and drill on. I can feel her murky eyes following after me, and it squirms my heart and my mind. But I have to move forward before the silent killer bursts in.
Oh, Jane. If only things were different. If only.