Friday 02 August 2019 – Part Three
“You will find her.
And she will love you more
than I ever do.
Because you are
These were Jazzelle’s
last words to me.
I’ve just realized
that they were not
meant for me
I smile at
my heart!– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
Praying. Praying to you again. Praying for enlightenment. Praying for all the love truths and inner wisdom. Praying for answers.
The faithful answers. Thrived out of my innate heart. For I do not have the strength to face Astrid until you’ve saved me from all these fears.
But oh! I cannot break her heart! I don’t want to break her heart at all! And I want to stay!
How can I do that? I am out of myself. I am weak, terrified, and confused. Did you feel the same way at some point? When I was 15? When I kept bugging you if you could wait for me? When we marked our mutual understanding?
What made you say yes despite it all? What gave you all the astonishing strength to keep me the way that you did? What motivated you?
Ah. Love. Your deepest love for me. You rose above it all. You just had faith in our love.
Yet this profound answer is still never enough for me. I have to find a way to trust it more. The same way as Astrid trusts me like the sun, the moon, the heavens, and the beauty of Nova Scotia.
I drive away to the cemetery.
Pounding! Wailing! Screaming!
The car speeds on! The heart’s tremor growls on! The mind chatters on!
Give me all the answers that I need!
NOW!!! NOW!!! NOW!!!
I have just screeched to a full stop nearby Jazzelle’s grave. I spur out of the car and cruise down to –
Stunned! I start to feel dizzy… My vision darkens… Pause… Feel the heart… Comfort the mind… Bring back the spirit… Calm the heart… Calm the mind… Calm the spirit… Calm… calm… calm… Calm it all…
I take a deep breath. The dizziness is gone. The vision is back.
I see her.
She notices me… then… slowly… slowly… she is up on her feet from kneeling. She was praying and crying… uttering some muffled words out loud… Now she has fallen in stupendous silence, gaping at me…
A breathtaking heart. Resembling the image in the magical intrusion! Long black hair. Black top. Black jeans. Black sneakers. With a mystic necklace on, though a different kind.
What is she doing here? Why is she visiting Jazzelle’s grave? Who is she?
Yet a spectral connection cloaks all over me. Not so much of her resembling you, dream girl. There’s a lot more in it. Extraordinary. Mythical. Prevailing.
She feels familiar, and it diffuses light into me instantly. She carries with her the sustaining light. She exudes a powerful sense of awareness that I can never explain.
She stays put, not knowing what to do. I step closer, and we face each other. I can feel her more.
It’s warm, consoling, and peaceful.
We stand for a moment, examining each other. But how is it possible that we both seem to communicate telepathically? Or is it just me?
I cannot read her mind. But I can feel what her heart wants to say. Though the words remain vague. But I feel something. And it feels truthful.
I feel… thank you… I’m grateful… and never be afraid…
She smiles. “A quarter of french vanilla, a quarter of plain coffee, and half caramel latte in large?”
I look at her, dumbfounded. “How did you –?”
“I’ve just stumbled on a — big angel truth along the way,” she replies.
“How did you –?”
“I’ve figured it out myself. Whoever is up there, guiding me through all the way to this very moment, well, I’m really grateful – I’m Ash. Astrid’s sister.”
“Oh my god,” I bounce away, feeling my head.
She holds my hand and looks into my eyes. Deep down into my heart and soul. “Don’t be scared,” she comforts me. “Don’t be scared of it all. Please don’t. I made so many unforgivable mistakes in my life, but now I’m not sorry for hurting myself for doing so. I’m only sorry for hurting the most wonderful hearts that I so deeply love. My sister’s heart. Jazzelle’s heart –”
She was the girl in school that Jazzelle told me about.
“But you know what?” she continues. “I’m not sorry anymore. I’m glad I did what I did. I followed my heart’s principle, and it was right. It was right all along. Because Jazzelle’s heart was meant to be yours. You deserved it more than I did. Now your heart is meant for my sister. Just as much as her heart is meant to be yours. Please don’t be scared of it. What would Jazzelle say about love? Love can overcome everything. It has its own magical powers that survive on their own. Her heart was that profound at such a young age. Like little sophist’s. My sister – I may know why you’re here. You’re looking for answers. You’re looking for the truth. You’re looking for courage and strength. Well, there’s only one answer to that, big angel. The answer is you. The truth is you. The courage and strength – you. I know it. Because I feel it. And this is coming from my sister’s heart. Also from Jazzelle’s. Everything that my sister does, all the human magic, I don’t question it anymore. Because the answer is you. She feels proud and happy because there is one truth that her heart only knows. And that truth is you. She accomplishes something good, and will continue to do so with courage and strength because of you. And I can say the same thing about Jazzelle as well. She went on with her life. Never reached out for once. We avoided each other as much as we could. Until I couldn’t take it anymore, so I left home. Now I know the answer, the truth, and where she got the courage and strength from. You – You also left home to escape grief. Whatever happened before all this, I’m sure Jazzelle showed you the way back. However it was shown. Because you were meant to experience something beautiful in your life again. It was guiding you through it. For me, there was a validation of something. I went through a crazy wild transformation. I followed my intuition, and here I am today. I also looked for my own answers, truth, courage and strength. It brought me here. To catch the certain feeling. Instant knowing epiphany. And I caught it. It’s simple – Love is given. Love is felt. Love is yours to keep. Why walk away from it and become miserable? You’d be crazy enough to choose misery over love. Love is absolute. It never questions, never doubts, and never fears. Why do we still have to consider all the unworthy sneaking in? Love is kind and pure. Why beat ourselves up around pain? Jazzelle said that to me when I was going erratic over our situation – And then one day, as I was already contemplating my exit from it all, I hugged her and said, ‘You will find her. And she will love you more than I ever do. Because you are very special.’ And you know what she told me? She said, ‘Wherever she may be, I hope to find her in the light. So I can see her beautiful heart.’ She found you in the light. She saw your beautiful heart. The same way as how my sister has found you in the light and seen your beautiful heart. Now – are you still here to look for answers, the truth, courage and strength? Big angel. Stand up for your name for once. I bet you’ve been hard on yourself, too, huh? Well, I can tell you now, with your big angel heart, shown in the light, so beautiful, my sister will definitely walk and fly with you to make your dreams come true together. She will walk and fly with you for the rest of her life. And I’m sure you also feel the same way for little sophist. But if she throws tantrums, grill her.”
“I had the worst tantrums around Jazzelle,” I say. “Oh god. I was bad. I still don’t know how she handled it, though.”
“Now it’s your time,” she smirks.
“I’ll be alright.”
“I know. I trust you.”
I take her in my arms. Tightly. Genuinely. Relieved! “Thank you, Ash,” I say. “Thank you.”
“No,” she whispers in a meaningful tone. “Thank you. Thank you. For everything.”
Now I know.
I know it all.
I recognize you.
The Master Missions. Day Forty.
Meeting big angel was more than just human magic.
It was the turning point of the beginning of everything.
My life. Hers. My sister’s. Lucy’s.
Though my heart knows a lot more than the speech
that I have given her. Than what I am feeling now.
And we are here to rejoice in our fate!
We are in a dreamy mood, aren’t we?
The smile. The overwhelming love and happiness.
The certain feeling. The instant knowing epiphany.
We’ve got it all together. In the right place. At the right time.
We both know. The answers, the truth, the courage and strength.
We both know. Only you and I know.
The full conclusion sits in your heart. To fulfill it all.
We are just as excited as we once were. It’s a promise to keep.
We cannot wait. We cannot wait anymore.
Because we both know.
Love is felt. Love is given. Love is ours to keep.
Love is absolute. It never questions, never doubts, and never fears.
Love is kind and pure.
The kindest and purest.
My kindest and purest.
I pull into the garage and jump out of the car, then scramble inside the house, startling Mom, Dad, and Lucy in the living room.
“Can I steal my wife for a minute?” I say.
Mom and Dad grin at each other. As Lucy coyly smiles at nowhere. Feeling dreamy. Already. Hmm.
“I demand for three grandkids!” mom declares. “And it’s non-negotiable!”
“We haven’t even hired a wedding planner yet!” dad says, then looks at me and Lucy. “Better be here in Halifax. Better be.”
“Come with me.” I drag Lucy out of the couch, and we head out into the back yard.
“How did it go?” she asks casually.
“Babe,” I say, “the certain feeling? I’ve been saying it to myself the entire time.”
“What is it?” she replies.
“Your dreams. Our dreams. It’s all an absolute done deal.”
“That’s the certain feeling? It’s all an absolute done deal?”
“YES! ALL OF IT! IT’S AN ABSOLUTE DONE DEAL! ALREADY!”
“Okay! An absolute done deal it is!”
“How’s your period?”
“You’re very tricky, you know that?”
“I’m feeling really sexy right now -” I tease her.
“Get out of my face!” she giggles.
“I’m feeling really dreamy right now -”
“Get out of my face! God!”
I pull her into me and caress her face. In a dreamy mood. That my heart can’t even collect. Love and happiness. My other wing. My one true love. My dream come true. Lucy. “Do you wanna know the answer, the truth, courage and strength?” I moan.
“What?” she replies.
“If there was a God, He kept us away from other hearts. Because my heart was only meant to be yours, and your heart was only meant to be mine. And baby – it has already been an absolute done deal.”
“An absolute done deal.”
“I love you. Will always do.”
“I love you. Will always do.”
And all the Master Missions are –
With the absolute done deal kiss!!!
Yes! And we are very sure of this one!
Friday 02 August 2019 – Part Four
All heart unions need
a fairy-like phenomenon
whose love has the magic
to fill a spring garden
with colorful and beautiful
And it is only then
that they get to stay together
for a lovely lifetime.– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
Yes. You. I’m still talking to you. I know you now. We have just met.
I listened to every word that you said. I listened as my heart witnessed the answers, the truths, all the courage and strength. I listened as I listened to Jazzelle’s soul wisdom.
I also sensed pieces of myself in you. I sensed how our thoughts harmonized. I sensed your warmth, delight, acceptance, relief, and even all the human magic of love.
You were right. The magical intrusion. Jazzelle showed me the way back to prepare myself for another beautiful experience of my life. It was divine timing.
I stayed numb for five long years. Astrid lived a solitary life. She was growing up, devouring one life wisdom after another.
However, you were wrong in some answers, some truths, and some courage and strength.
Astrid’s love has become my answer, my truth, my courage and strength. It should have been enough for me to acknowledge it all. As it keeps on transforming me into one colorful and beautiful butterfly after another.
You left because Jazzelle’s heart was meant to be mine. The truth was, she loved me the way that she did because I was meant to find her in the light so I could see her beautiful heart. You left because she was meant to teach me how to stay in the light for a beautiful heart to be seen.
I might have learned a lot from it. But not quite enough. Now here I am learning more of it. From Astrid’s love. From my love for her. From our love for each other.
Seeing images of the past. Turning love into the grandest and most beautiful in the present. While having faith in the future.
Are you ready for another answer, another truth, and another courage and strength?
My heart believes that no matter how much Jazzelle loved me, even from up in heaven, wherever she might be –
You were always.
Her one and only.
And it does not dishearten me at all.
I am, and will be forever grateful that she welcomed me into her light. To live and discover a beautiful heart. How to stay and live in it. For a lovely lifetime.
Dream girl, I want you to know.
Thank you. Thank you. For everything.
I scuttle into the spring garden to find Astrid and apricot. As fast as my feet can go. As fast as I can fly. No time to walk.
Run! Run! Run! Don’t pause. No time to pause.
This is my lovely lifetime right here! And I’m already living in it!
The lovely lifetime. With the one and only fairy-like phenomenon my heart has known, and will continue to know. All the human magic. All the colorful and beautiful butterflies filling up a spring garden. All the love truths I dearly hold now.
I slowly pause. To admire. To feel all the love bliss. To smile in tears.
Astrid and apricot soar out of the bench, with their wondrous childlike eyes. “Big angel!” they scream, running towards me.
I hug them both at once and kiss each one of them on their foreheads. “Hey, you guys!” I say.
And without warning, Astrid shatters into tears of joy. Loudly! Shaking! Entwined around me! So tightly! Apricot lets go and steps back, somewhat flabbergasted. Then he looks at me and smiles. I smile back. He understands.
“I’ll see you guys later,” he says and walks away.
“What a surprise!” Astrid says, still clasping on. “I can’t believe you’re here! I can’t believe you’re really here!”
“Darling,” I whisper into her ear, “have you ever doubted trust for once?”
“Never! Never ever! I trust you! I do! I do!”
“And how humongous is this trust?”
“As humongous as the sun, the moon, the heavens, and the beauty of Nova Scotia!”
“Fantastic! Now I’ve got something to tell you. Very important.”
She looks up at me. “What is it?”
I wipe off her tears with my fingers. “Whatever happens from here on, I will do the best I can to keep us both in the light so we’ll continue to see each other’s beautiful hearts.”
“And I will do the best I can to turn love into something grand and beautiful everyday for a lovely lifetime,” she responds.
“So how did the book donation trip go?”
“It was awesome! Fruit cake and I met some of the kids! And they were very happy to see us! One girl asked me, ‘Is there a story about love in one of those books?’ I said, ‘For sure. All of them are about love. What would you like to know about it?’ And she said, ‘I’d like to know how to find it myself. So I can find loving parents to keep me, and then I’d know more about it.’ And it broke my heart. So I told her, ‘You don’t have to find it anymore. Because for you to have already understood that loving parents would keep you, you’ve already found love yourself. Just wish and believe that they would find you one day. And they will find you. Because you already understand how love magically works. And it’s for everyone who wants to keep it. It’s for everyone who wants to know more about it. Like yourself.’ And she smiled, and she gave me a big hug, and she said, ‘Now I already feel them coming!’ And then I said -”
I interrupt her with a gentle kiss. Her tearful eyes remain closed. Calm. Kind. Innocent. Grand. Beautiful.
I soothe away, and she opens her eyes. Amazed and blissful. “Yes,” I say.
“Really?” she moans in disbelief.
“Yes!” I giggle.
“So I can do the two-year countdown now?” she says.
Once again, she shatters into tears of joy, along with the most exalted hug I have ever felt in my entire life.
This fairy-like phenomenon.
My one and only.
There are no questions left for me to ask the charming universe anymore.
My heart hopes yet it knows. Oh, it knows.
That all is well.
And it will be.
For a lovely lifetime.
The answers. The truths. The courage and strength.
Dream girl, once again, I want you to know.
Thank you. Thank you.
For making us all realize that –
- sometimes this is how love destiny works its magic!
Lucy’s Confession Letter
To the only one who has captivated my heart:
My instant knowing epiphany about you came with many dreams.
To take care of you. To be loved by your soul. To take you home with me. To keep you. To put a ring on your finger.
To spend the rest of my life with you. To build a home with you. To laugh and cry with you. To grow the meaning of love with you. To understand light and darkness with you.
These were the dreams that surprised my heart.
Because I never thought that such penetrating love would entrap me this way. It caught me off guard, and I couldn’t escape anymore.
How much of me have you known?
From our first meeting. All the way through. Having all the beautiful opportunities to make love to you, be with you, and look out for you. Enduring all the pain whenever someone more stunning would win over your attention and meet your desires.
Well, baby, I was the same way when I was back home in Montreal. I would make them fall in love with me, then dump them away whenever someone more stunning would come along.
However, a catastrophic tower moment of my life presented itself upon our first meeting. Lucy from Montreal could not be found anymore. It terrified me, knowing that I suddenly found myself dreaming out of my vulnerable heart.
The kindest and purest Lucy that you have known all this time is the result of my instant knowing epiphany about you.
You have transformed my heart, my soul, and every beat of my consciousness about love and life.
You have transformed my present and my future.
You have transformed me into somebody.
The kindest and purest.
It is the beautiful reason as to why I stayed, kept on wishing and praying for you, and loved you more everyday despite it all.
And it is the only beautiful reason as to why I will stay, make all these dreams come true, and love you more everyday.
For the rest of my life.
Because my heart will only stay for you, make all these dreams come true for you, and be enslaved by love for you.
I have already hired a wedding planner.
I had secretly planned all the union essentials soon after the instant knowing epiphany had confined me in.
Because I kept on believing… that somehow… somewhere along the way… my dreams…
Would become ours! And we would make them come true together!
And no matter what happens, this faith is kept forever in my heart.
Because I love you. Will always, always… do!
From the one whose heart you will always captivate:
I have a big angel in my life.
She is so beautiful. So much more beautiful than the sun, the moon, the heavens, and the beauty of Nova Scotia. That’s why I trust her so much with everything that’s stuffed in my heart.
And because of her, I notice that all the things around me have also become more beautiful and more meaningful.
Words sound better. Stories are more understood. Books become wiser and wiser every time I read them.
The waterfront becomes more exciting. Trees, flowers, birds, hot weather, and even the busy streets feel more alive. And all the human magic becomes more visible everywhere I turn.
When I met her for the first time, she gave me this grandest and most beautiful gift. So then I knew right away what it was.
It was the gift of love.
Because she turns everything around me into something grand and beautiful. And then everything that I have learned from school, from books, from Mom and Dad, from my sister, and from fruit cake becomes more grand and beautiful. It’s because her gift of love makes me feel and realize all these things. Even without her telling me anything.
She is not only my big angel. She is also my dream girl.
And because she is my dream girl, I am excited to do and accomplish all the greatest things that my heart dreams of. I will keep on developing myself to become wiser everyday. I will continue to create and experience more human magic. I will understand things more clearly. I will also understand fruit cake’s teases more delightfully. I will understand love a lot more than what human magic can bring to life.
I will never be alone anymore whenever fruit cake can’t spend time with me. I will never be sad anymore whenever my sister can’t talk to me. I will never hurt myself anymore whenever something makes me feel bad.
Because I want to live for decades and decades with my big angel and dream girl. I want to live on and accomplish all the greatest things that my heart dreams of. I want to live for a lovely lifetime with her.
When I heard my heart crying really bad for the first time, I wanted to die. And then I saw the sun, the moon, the heavens, and the beauty of Nova Scotia. So I decided to live on.
When my big angel and dream girl heard my heart crying really bad for the first time, she made me hug the sun, the moon, the heavens, and the beauty of Nova Scotia. So then I was really happy. Very very happy!
But when I heard my big angel and dream girl’s heart crying really bad for the first time, I wanted to give her the sun, the moon, the heavens, and the beauty of Nova Scotia.
And for the first time, I knew why God kept me alive.
He kept me alive for my big angel and dream girl.
He kept me alive to be with her and take care of her.
He kept me alive because I was meant to spend a lovely lifetime with her.
And this essay will be kept hidden. Because I don’t want my big angel and dream girl to feel sad and feel bad. So I will write a different one for her to read instead.
I will write something about…
The Dream Girl Alchemy!
My name is Astrid. I am 16 years old. I am little sophist. I am a girl. I am in love with my big angel and dream girl. And she turns love into something grand and beautiful. Like a spring garden filled with colorful and beautiful butterflies.
And because of her, I am alive today.
And I will live on for our lovely lifetime together.
I promise. I will.
Mwah mwah mwah!!!
Kisses kisses kisses!!!