Friday 02 August 2019 – Part One
When you love someone,
its certainty extends beyond
how much your heart understands
the truest nature of love,
fears never consume you.
And you’re excited to scream it out
to the world.
Wherever you may be.
I hope your heart has already
understood the truest nature
of love.– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
I am at the airport, slumped in the busy waiting area.
I meant to grab Jazzelle’s coffee, but its meaning didn’t feel right anymore. It has become one beautiful memory instead.
Jazzelle. One beautiful memory. The most beautiful memory my heart has ever known, and will continue to know. I smile. I’m at peace.
The new love bliss. Its incredible irony of it. The mirrors of both faces. Mine and Jazzelle’s. In one heart, mind, and spirit.
Though the disheartening discourse is still in the way.
You. Are you really my dream girl?
Here I am bouting against impossible questions. Dreaming of what-if possibilities.
I’ll say this to you again. Astrid will remain in my heart. For as long as I’m still breathing. And I will be there for her all the way through. I will be with her. It is meant to be kept. No question.
My phone rings. It’s her.
Oh no. I’m at the airport. My arrival is meant to be a surprise. If I wouldn’t pick up, she would get hurt. I know this feeling, and it’s terrifying.
Ah, Astrid. My past-self is haunting me down. Yet you make it so irresistible enough for me to concede each time.
“Darling!” I answer the call. “We’ve talked pretty much all night last night. Big angel is up to something here. What’s up?”
“I’ve just told Mom and Dad!” she confesses hysterically.
“About what?” I freeze up.
“About everything!” she replies. “About me, about you, and about how much we love each other and stuff!”
“WHAT???” I am completely paralyzed. “Oh my god! Oh my god, darling – What have you done?”
“It’s okay, big angel,” she giggles.
“Why are you laughing? It is not funny!”
“They’re happy about it!”
“They say they’ve already known all along something’s been up with me because I’ve changed so much. I’m happier and more beautiful. And a lot smarter. And I don’t throw tantrums anymore. And I’m learning more about why we’re here. I’m learning more about how much love can change someone’s life into something like – a spring garden filled with colorful and the most beautiful butterflies. And I still have more to learn, but Dad says – I’m already turning into like a spring garden filled with colorful and the most beautiful butterflies. I’ve told them you and I can wait. Like for us to be really together. So we can start our lovely lifetime together. And they can’t wait to meet you. And they’re especially excited to find out that you’re fruit cake’s big angel. So we’re all having dinner at my house once you get here. You, fruit cake, and your parents. Oh, I’m so excited already!”
How could you have already accomplished so much and brought people together to rejoice in life and love?
“Darling, you’re amazing. I can’t believe you’ve just done this. And I’m honored to be a part of your life – But I’ll tell you what? Why don’t you wait until I’ve already told everybody about – our hearts. Will you be okay with that?”
“Sure, yeah, I’ll wait.”
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes, I trust you!”
“And how humongous is this trust?”
“As humongous as the sun, the moon, the heavens, and the beauty of Nova Scotia!”
“I love you very very much.”
“I love you very very much, big angel! Mwah mwah mwah! Kisses kisses kisses!”
“Are you gearing up for work yet?” I ask.
“Yes, I am!” she replies. “You think the foster kids would be happy with my first paycheck?”
“Darling, they will be in tears of joy!”
“Fruit cake and I are donating our old books to a foster home after I get off from work today. I’ve just got them ready right here. He’s picking me up, and then – hmm – maybe we’d just dilly-dally around spring garden? We’ll see.”
“Do the spring garden dilly-dally!”
“Okay – Where are you at, big angel? It doesn’t sound like you’re home, though.”
“Somewhere – where?”
“It’s a secret.”
“Hey, what do secrets mean?”
“Secrets mean – Like – they’re – surprises – kind of?”
“You’ve got it!” I say. “That’d be our code from now on. A secret means – a beautiful surprise is coming.”
“Oh, it’s the smartest code ever!” she cheers. “I can’t wait! I can’t wait for a beautiful surprise! Oh, I just can’t wait anymore!”
“It’s coming. Pretty soon.”
“Thank you, big angel.”
No, darling. Don’t thank me. Thank your heart. How you turn love into something grand and beautiful everyday.
Do I still need to question this?
I’m questioning you. Your existence.
Who is the real dream girl? You or Astrid?
What’s your significance? Why have you been threatening me with a disheartening discourse? What do you want from me?
Or what do I want from you? What do I need to know more? Why is my heart still hanging on to you? For what?
Who are you? Where are you? When will you turn up?
I’m afraid we need each other for something. Something that is yet unknown. Something that I might even fear. Or something bigger than all this.
The answers. The truths.
Something that is so radiant and real. That once it is shown – my life, your life, our lives at once – would begin.
You. Dream girl. The magical intrusion.
As my intuition realized that it was, indeed, Jazzelle’s intervention.
If it was, why would she do that? What would she want me to accomplish from it? What was it for?
What are you for?
The Master Missions. Day Forty.
When an instant knowing epiphany is revealed to me
as a surprise – the answers, the truths, the courage and strength
hold my heart so tightly. Along with dreams.
I feel like bursting!
Swoosh! This wild urgency of visiting Jazzelle’s grave is smashing down all over me.
My first and last love.
Are you sure about that?
Gee. Your cryptic cry’s button is switched on again. What’s with the argument there?
The certain feeling. The full conclusion. What would it be?
The airport’s packed terminal waiting area is making this wild urgency a lot worse. Lucy has been busy reading, and I have been entertaining myself with some music, though I would give her cute smooches in between and catch her funny reactions to the skimmed words across a very thick Philosophy book.
“You should have been a Philosophy professor instead,” I say.
“My profession also deals with human conditions practically everyday,” she replies. “I’m fine with it. And I love those rascal kids regardless. They seem to know how to make the impossible – possible. If that makes sense.”
It does make sense. Now I miss my students. Their smiles. Their excitement in class. Their eagerness to learn more. “I’m going back to teaching,” I revel.
She shuts the book closed, and looks at me with a shrewd smile. “Babe! I’m happy to hear that! But – what about your writing? Still gonna pursue it?”
“Nope – Actually, I don’t know. But it’s not up in my head anymore. Maybe not yet. But – the only thing that I really wanna do? Is to make our dreams come true together, and that’s it. Maybe somewhere along the way, my heart would wake up to a new story. The kind of story that genuinely matters to me. And if I were to write it, it would only be for you and I to keep. Well, maybe my sister could read it as well. And maybe even her big angel. Other than that, it would be kept away from the world.”
“Why do you sound more sexy everyday now?”
“I’ve told you, babe. I’ve always been sexy. I just haven’t given myself the opportunity to be. Around you. You know why?”
“Because you -” I kiss her on the lips. “ – you have already validated my magnificence even before I have discovered it for myself.”
“You’re being lame now, babe!” she giggles. “It’s ridiculous!”
“Does it make you feel dreamy?”
“Can we do it as soon as we land?”
“Once the full conclusion is revealed.”
“Can we make out, at least?”
“Can’t. It would only get worse.”
“Grrrrrr!!!” I protest.
“Now that doesn’t sound sexy at all!” she laughs. “Want some coffee?”
It reminds me of Jazzelle’s coffee all of a sudden, and the one who knows of it. The one who was also here last time. The one who, as my heart had realized, was Jazzelle’s last love. Who may have still been grieving. Possibly. But –
Wait. What? What?
Toronto. Airport. Halifax.
The one was here in Toronto. Jazzelle’s home had always just been Halifax. The one could also be from Halifax. She was flying back home on that day. On the same day. When Lucy called.
Wait a minute!
The coffee attendant – Amelia.
The Vegan Food Store lady – Megan.
They all agreed on the same thing! Me and the one!
Same vibe! Whatever that means! But in a Metaphysical sense –
- somehow Jazzelle’s light is transpired in us!
And – here comes another instant knowing epiphany!
Ryan’s sister lives in Toronto!
My sister went berserk just around the same time as I was caring for Lucy! How mad she was that I refused to meet Ryan’s sister!
My sister’s first love. Jazzelle’s last love.
Jazzelle was my first love. And here I am with my last love.
I want to run outside and scream it all out! Scream all my heart out! With madness and pride! With heavenly happiness!
I simply smile. As the full conclusion has already been realized.
Ironically, Lucy and I look at each other. She smiles. The kindest and purest smile. Like the first smile she had bestowed on me inside the theater. Our first meeting. I caress her chin and grant her with an earnest kiss.
Then she rests her head on my shoulder. “How come you haven’t met big angel yet?” she asks. “She also lives here, you know? And she’s Astrid’s fruit cake’s sister. That’s weird.”
I wrap my arm around her. “Because – I was meant to know how the nature around me had grown and bloomed. To breathe and listen to the birds chirping. To listen to my desire and what it made me feel.”
“Meaning?” she replies, amused.
“I refused to take the shortcut,” I say. “It’s better for me to meet her personally. In Halifax. If she ever wants to be with my sister. I’d like to see it for myself.”
“She loves Astrid that much. You will meet her in Halifax.”
“We – will meet her in Halifax. Halifax. Home.”
“You’re being dreamy again.”
“I’m telling you, we’re gonna have to do it as soon as we land.”
“Right. The full conclusion.”
“I’ve got my period.”
I laugh, tingled with our dreams coming true! “Well, you make everything so clean, so I didn’t notice a sign of it.”
“You did. During my meltdown.”
“Oh my god. Are you telling me you’re having some kind of a meltdown each time your period is about to make its incursion?”
“Something like that.”
“You’re telling me I’m screwed every month. Until your menopause era crawls in.”
“Something like that.”
“Can’t you, at least, give me an advanced warning?”
“Can’t. It just attacks on its own.”
“Just don’t take it out on the kids, though.”
“I’d take it out on a plate. I’d smash one each time.”
“Just make sure we’re not around when you do that.”
“I’ll make a reservation for you guys at some restaurant once I know I feel like smashing one.”
We look at each other, and share our distinct laugh. The laugh that sounds like a harmonized tune. Our own beautiful moment.
It’s an absolute done deal!
Friday 02 August 2019 – Part Two
The heart’s impulse falters.
A truth determines courage.
The courage to face,
or the courage to walk away.
Only because you want to protect
a weak heart.
Whose heart would that be?
Wherever you may be.
I hope your heart’s impulse
has enough courage
to face your truth
for you to stay.– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
I have just landed in Halifax.
I have just landed home. As alarming as it sounds, I feel lost. It is more harrowing than coming out. Or the time when Jazzelle talked to my parents about me moving in with her days after I turned 18.
Now it’s my turn.
To face the love truths. The love truths that challenge other truths and everybody else’s truths. Not so much of my little brother’s truths as he may have already come to his own awareness of it all. Not so much of Astrid’s parents’ truths either as they have already been witnessing how love has been influencing their daughter’s life in the grandest and the most beautiful splendor.
It is all about my love truths. Carved out of Jazzelle’s love truths.
How much she nurtured and protected love. For me. For her. For us both to keep its bliss. Regardless of the fears embroiled in it.
Now I understand. I understand how she felt. I understand all her fears. All the indomitable reasons hidden behind my stubborn commands. All the wanting. All the longingness. She lived through it all. To make sure I had been comforted and deeply loved. She kept love moving. She yielded its course. She protected my weak heart.
To protect hers.
Because her greatest fear was just as overwhelming as mine.
The fear of abandonment.
I have just imprisoned myself in the paradoxical milieu of love truths.
Questions arise. Some answers may have been found. Only the rest is handed to the future.
But how could I question Astrid’s love truths? Or mine? Or how my parents would react to my heart’s impulse.
It is not merely a heart’s impulse.
It is a beautiful chance. The chance that I must take. For it has already been given with courage. By the universe.
I am not here to nurture and protect Astrid from the same fear. The fear that has been accompanying her most of her life. I am here to nurture and protect the beautiful love truths that have created our bond. And these beautiful love truths keep on transforming us.
Like a spring garden filled with colorful and beautiful butterflies.
I have come home with just one suitcase. The rest of my stuff still awaits in Toronto. Its fate is only determined once a beautiful circumstance snaps me out of this fear.
What would this beautiful circumstance be? Or could there be something else that would pull me out of it. Altogether?
No. If you were to show up, make it a beautiful circumstance. Because the last thing that I want to do is hurt Astrid.
Why am I nervous? Why am I so scared?
Oh, Astrid. Pray for my heart. Please pray for my heart.
Mom and Dad can’t be more pleased to welcome me back home. I’ve told them I’ve quit my job and I’m considering taking up a writing program here instead. I’ve got their support. And they hope for me to stay.
A brand new life. The love bliss. With its frightening familiarity and complete honesty.
Astrid is still at work. And apricot is spending time with Leila. Neither one of them knows of my arrival.
It’s a perfect time to be alone with Mom and Dad. To reveal the truth behind my plans.
And they’ve ironically opened a topic that my heart wants to discuss with them about.
“You’ve met Astrid?” mom asks.
“Yeah,” I reply, wincing.
Dad joins us at the kitchen table. “That kid has an enchanting mind. How could she have known of Ellen G. White? Probably from Ryan. But – yup! Enchanting creature that one!”
“Dad,” I say, “she reads and studies a lot. She spent a lot of time alone. Her only friend in the world is apricot.”
“Adore her,” mom says. “They’re donating books to a foster home later. Maybe you should go and surprise them.”
“No,” I reply. “I’m not butting in. It’s their thing. I’ll see them both after.”
Mom detects fears punching through my eyes. I look away, shuddering. Dad looks at me, then stares at Mom. It’s a subconscious communication that only loving parents share, which recoils me more. Now they’re waiting for something.
They’re waiting for the truth.
I don’t have the courage to spill it yet. They will find out in time. They will understand everything in time. They know they will. Time can only reveal.
Just like my time with Jazzelle.
“Well, whatever it is,” mom points out driven by her inner thoughts, “we’d like for you to stay.”
“Yup!” dad seconds. “Once and for all!”
“If I were to stay,” I say, “then I would have to get me my own place instead.”
“Whatever works for you, sweetheart,” mom agrees. “Whatever works.”
“Yup!” dad yelps. “Halifax will always be home!”
Guide me through this. Help me make the right decisions. Show me signs. Show me the truth. All your love truths are already packed in my heart. But I’m still desperate for more answers.
Why did my heart’s impulse send me here in just one snap? With fears, and the mystery behind the magical intrusion.
Why did I have to go through the transforming process if it would only come down to this? It seems to create more of me. The side of me that I am yet to know. The future.
The hope for a lovely lifetime.
With an enchanting heart.
Whose heart is possessed.
With both yours and mine.
A fairy-like phenomenon.
The Master Missions. Day Forty.
In my heart, Lucy and I are already eyeing on making
our dreams come true together. The full conclusion is already
out in the open. We both know it. There are only two heart-arduous
things that I’m about to face. Visiting Jazzelle’s grave that would bring
with me a certain feeling. And –
meeting the one.
Either in Toronto.
Or here at home.
Mom and Dad’s excitement is immeasurable.
They have both fallen in love at first sight with Lucy that Mom can’t keep her mouth shut about how many grandkids she would like to have and Dad insists for us to hire a wedding planner sooner in time.
This is even before I have a chance to share with them our story. How I broke Lucy’s heart, and how many times. How long we’ve known each other. How fate has brought us back together.
I cannot believe how powerful their parental instincts are that they have dismissed the pivotal backstory and just proceeded with welcoming joy based on their own certain feeling at the present moment.
My sister is still at work. Mom and Lucy are busy making supper. Dad and I sit out in the back porch for tea. He’s telling me about big angel, and their great anticipation of meeting her. The dinner. Families getting together. How Ryan has fulfilled my role somehow. How love keeps on transforming my sister into a spring garden filled with colorful and beautiful butterflies. Scary yet heartwarming.
I’m scared for her heart. I’m scared that she would experience her first heartbreak.
Jazzelle’s first heartbreak. Mine.
I don’t want her to become like me. Whose heart turned into the coldest one. Who had the brass to break the most vulnerable hearts she would ever come across or even fancy.
I can only hope big angel would stay and have all the courage to keep my sister’s heart alive for life and love.
“You haven’t met big angel yet,” dad says.
“Nope, not yet,” I reply. “I’m looking forward to, though.”
“She also lives in Toronto. She sounds like an amazing girl. My nervous barbs are in place.” He looks at me. “If all love can only transform mankind into a spring garden filled with colorful and beautiful butterflies, then we have a happy world.”
I smile at him. “Dad, thank you for giving me that speech about not taking the shortcut.”
“It’s true, isn’t it?”
“It’s the most beautiful truth I’ve ever come to know.”
“Ah, and your mother still can’t believe I’m serious about going vegetarian.”
“You’re still into it?”
“I’m serious about it!” he smirks.
“No way!” I laugh.
“What do you think they’re making for supper?”
“The vegan stuff that Lucy and I got for you!”
“You better make sure they taste like actual sausages!”
“Dad, you’re not ready to be vegetarian. I’m with mom on this one, though. Sorry.”
“You think so?” he ponders.
“I know so,” I laugh.
“She’s always right. Maybe that’s the reason why I can’t make her spare a tear for me.”
“And is that a bad thing or a good thing?”
He smiles. “It’s a good thing. Always a good thing.”
“What time is little sophist coming home?” I ask.
“Little sophist! Yeah, she’s told us about that one! Little sophist. It’s perfect – Her and Ryan are donating books to a foster home. And they’re probably hanging out for a bit after. Don’t bet on it. She’ll come home late. This is meant to be a surprise, isn’t it?”
“She knew Lucy and I were coming. Supposedly this weekend. But we moved our flight.”
“Don’t call her. And let it all come as a surprise – So when are you and Lucy getting married? Are you thinking of settling down here in Halifax? Better be Halifax. The Toronto thing is already too much for my nervous barbs. You know that.”
It sparks me back to the wild urgency. Visiting Jazzelle’s grave. Catching a certain feeling. Regardless of how Lucy and I already have a strong grip of making our dreams come true together.
I must do it now!
“Dad, I need to borrow your car,” I say.
“Where are you going?” he asks, surprised.
“Cemetery!” I reply.
He looks at me. He knows. He sits still for a moment, then looks at me again. Tears form in his eyes. “You know, she would give me a hug everytime we ran into each other. The first hug, it was when I understood everything.”
A repressed emotion suddenly spits out. “Dad, where’s the car keys?”
“Hanging by the side door,” he says. “About time, honey. About time.”
I run inside the house and swing by the kitchen to give Lucy a kiss. “I’ve gotta go catch that certain feeling,” I whisper into her ear.
“Good luck,” she utters, though a bit nervous.
“Where are you going, honey?” mom inquires.
“Cemetery!” I reply, dashing towards the front door.
I grab the car keys and scoot my way outside. I flee into the car and turn the engines on. And before I can even have the courage to drive away, the repressed emotion jams out of my heart. Full blown. In its staggering power. All the lost love, lost chances, and lost time. All her light. All her magic. All her beauty.
My first love. Whose lips I never kissed out of fears. Whose vulnerable heart I broke. Who would do everything to keep us together.
But I had to walk away.
To save her heart.
And the resentment that I built up over the years had transformed me into someone else that I would even abhor myself. I lost my values. I lost the wondrous principles that I grew up knowing. I lost –
Love. Life. The human magic that my sister’s heart has a grasp for.
I lost it all.
It only took a validation of worldly magnificence for me to wake up. To meet the old me. As a grown woman. As a growing heart. To meet Lucy again. To be with my sister. To understand love and happiness. To save love, chances, and time.
To save all that I have.
Swoosh! Let’s go!
It’s an absolute done deal!
Stop crying now!