Thursday 01 August 2019 – Part One
It was an inciting pause.
Yet it was not quite the validation
that I might have been looking for.
The validation of moving forward,
though the new love bliss already awaits.
What kind of validation does my heart
still need to know
to get me to say –
‘Yes, I am willing to wait
for our hearts to unite
to spend a lovely lifetime
Wherever you may be.
I hope you have already
validated your own
Ah, the love bliss.– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
The angst still oppresses me.
More so than grief and remorse. And all I do is comfort myself with one cup of coffee after another. Back to the day when I was preparing myself to come out to my family. Back to the day when I must understand letting go and forgiving myself. Choked. Disturbed. Unsaved. Unhealed. Nobody to turn to. Nowhere else to run – away from. Because no matter how many stabbing questions I would have to come up with, it would only give me one clear answer. Face it, and peace will be mine forever. Whatever the outcome would be. However I would deliver it to existence. Whenever my heart desires to move. It is, and will always be my truth. Therefore, there is no reason for me to wallow in guilt. Anymore.
Astrid speaks of my love truths.
Yet there you are still. The reason. The magical intrusion. The mystery. That I never questioned. Because I believed in our union, our lovely lifetime together, and the new love bliss.
I did my work. I removed all the blockages that were in the way of our meeting. I experienced a remarkable transformation, seeing life and love in divine ways, even without any conscious effort, as it was all done genuinely, with sweet realizations that would make me smile after.
Because of you. A lot of beautiful things happened. I, my heart, peace and acceptance, faith and joy, and this thoughtful diary.
Yet along the way, I met my past-self. And she embodies most of my truths. Only a lot more discerning, more proud, more self-sufficient, more kind and caring, and more courageous. A doer. A philosopher. Even a teacher. The determination to rise above the challenges. Recognizing the greatest things in life. Understanding the depth of love.
Her heart has aged a lot faster. Her soul has been overwhelmed with wisdom found in long solitary years. Her mind never rests, and it takes a while to calm down, as it is always busy looking for all the righteous answers.
Dream girl, tell me, why does my heart need to hang on to you for? What is this validation of moving forward all about? As the love bliss already awaits.
If I were to meet you, would I have a change of heart? Would your physical presence tell me the truth? The love truths. Would it compel me to move forward that would alter the course of the lovely lifetime that I know now? What could have happened?
Though I must tell you my biggest truth in all my love truths. I can never hurt Astrid. I can never hurt the frightening familiarity and the complete honesty. I can never hurt the most precious fairy-like phenomenon that has ever come into my life.
Someone who turns love into something grand and beautiful. Everyday.
No one has the right to hurt her. No one.
For it is a privilege to get to know her heart, mind, and spirit. It is a privilege to love her and be loved by her in return. It is a privilege even just being around her and listening to her engaging thoughts.
My dream girl. My heart and soul’s only dream girl.
“Big angel,” she raves through the phone, “I’m off to work now. Listen, I have something exciting to tell you.”
“What is it, darling?” I reply.
“I’m donating my first paycheck to foster kids,” she says. “Fruit cake is also gonna do the same thing. With his next paycheck. I’ve still got some money saved up from my school allowance, anyway. So I’ll be okay. I mean, I can still take you to that cozy restaurant by the waterfront with it. No problem.”
And she also possesses Jazzelle’s existence.
Astrid, please stop glowing your heart and soul more beautifully. Everyday.
“Darling, that’s awesome!” I say. “Who came up with this idea? And how?”
“Mom and Dad are social workers, and they have huge hearts for these kids, and they gave me this idea when I overheard them discussing one sensitive case, so I told them about my plan, and they were pretty happy about it! Then dad said, ‘Who raised you? Did we raise you? Why, hallelujah, but I’m the proudest dad in the world’! I thought it was really funny! So now I’m more motivated to work! ‘Cause I’ve just discovered another greatest thing, and I can’t wait to accomplish it sooner! Oh, I just can’t wait! Really!”
“Darling, does your sister know how beautiful your heart is?”
“She’s also got a beautiful heart. She’s just been going through a really tough time. Oh, and she’s just come up with a cute pet name for me. Little sophist. I’m little sophist now. Isn’t that cool?”
This innocence. This humility. Grand and beautiful.
“You are the grandest and the most beautiful little sophist there is.”
“I can’t wait to see you, big angel. I can’t wait to hug you. Can I kiss you on both cheeks, though?”
“I will kiss you on both cheeks.”
“I can also kiss you on both cheeks. Right?”
“That’s a promise, though. Right? And it’s really gonna happen pretty soon. Once you come home.”
“It’s a promise, darling. It’s the first promise to keep.”
“Mwah mwah mwah! Kisses kisses kises! I love you very very much, big angel!”
“I love you very very much, too, darling.”
I will say this to you again.
Tell me, dream girl, why does my heart still need to hang on to you for?
The Master Missions. Day Thirty-Nine.
Lucy and big angel may have been teaching and inspiring her
to discover and do the greatest things in life – for love.
But deep down in my heart, I know how the little sophist
in her has grown. My silence. My absence. My selfish
intent out of fears and guilt. This acknowledgment may
sound selfish and arrogant, and I may not deserve it
in either way. Yet it has led me to another
The most vulnerable heart that I have ever hurt. Not Jazzelle. Neither Lucy.
It is my sister.
Who is now becoming the heart conqueror. Who marvels and dazzles. Who teaches and inspires. Those who she believes to be more wise and more desirable.
Working. Studying. Reading. Keeping her friendships with Ryan and Lucy more vibrant everyday. Falling in love with big angel more every second. Recognizing the worth in human magic. Lighting up our home. Learning more about the happiness and sadness in love and relationships. Kindness. Compassion. Love.
She is the biggest angel amongst us all. She is the biggest angel in all of us. The only one.
She makes us reflect on our own hearts. She makes us have faith in everything. All things. She makes us fall in love with happiness, and even sadness.
Her life without me. It has turned her into a remarkable little sophist of all hearts. I can’t turn back the time anymore. All I can rely on now is make something beautiful happen. So I can stay and watch her grow more. So Lucy and I can also make our dreams come true. And it is when I can only – and truly –
Validate my magnificence.
As a sister’s heart. As a daughter’s heart. As a wife’s heart.
As the heart of human magic.
After a heartfelt talk with my sister, Lucy has been acting a bit sporadically. And this would have to be the first time I’m witnessing her exasperation. I know what they’ve talked about. But I don’t understand as to why she’s out of herself all of a sudden.
While she’s in the middle of making lunch, I confront her, “Okay, spit it. What’s been bugging you?”
“Nothing,” she groans, getting on with her cooking task.
“How am I supposed to survive this day when you’re acting like this?”
“Please – tell me – what is it?”
“And why not?”
“Because it’s useless – for now.”
“Now – now – it’s all about your obsession for now – Like ‘Ash, you only love me right now. Our dream is only a dream for now. There is nothing that we can do now – but wait for your ‘instant knowing epiphany’. I’m here now. You’re here now. That’s all we have right now. Until the ‘instant knowing epiphany’ is presented, this is how we live our life for now.’ What else? Am I missing out on more important ‘now situations’ here?”
“I don’t wanna talk to you -”
“You don’t wanna talk to me right now!” I shrill, interrupting her. “So when, Lucy? When are you gonna tell me? When can we get to the conclusion? When are we ever gonna happen? When can we make our dreams come true? When? WHEN??? When exactly do we have the right to do that??? When???”
“I wish for it all – RIGHT NOW!!!” she cries out. “It’s okay for me to be angry, Ash! I just want to point that out! It’s okay for me to be really angry! You have no idea how many times you made me cry! You have no idea what I went through each time you dumped me to rot! You have no idea how much you hurt me! You think you do! But you don’t! You have – NO IDEA – at all!”
“I do,” I howl. “I did. I do.”
“NO, YOU DON’T!!!” she screams, then pauses to cry some more. I attempt to hug her, but she pushes me away. “Each time you didn’t want me, I didn’t want to end a day because I didn’t want to go home. I just wanted to run home to you. Because once I’d get into my own room, I could never be kind to myself. I would cry and cry all night long, and think of ways as to how to end my life. But you know what kept me alive? That hope. That wish. That dream. To be with you again. For you to love me back just the same. But when I had that excruciating pain, at first I thought it was the end of it. The end that I was looking for so I could finally find my peace. Not to love you that much anymore. I laid there for hours, waiting for me to die. And you wanna know the truth as to why I called? — You flashed through my mind. A different you. The new you. This. Kind. Caring. Pure. Sincere. Loving. The wish that I would make every single night. My wish for you to become. And it felt so raw and real, and I could feel your presence. It was as if meeting you for the first time. It was like – magic. And I thought I had already died ‘cause I was seeing and feeling your presence. And then there was a strong voice inside of me that ordered me to call you. I went for it. I had to – ‘cause it only made the pain a lot worse when I tried to fight back the intuition. And the second you walked in, it was the exact same magical feeling that I felt when I saw your image. And I already knew right there and then that I’d be okay. My heart would be okay. Everything would be okay – So here we are – now – Right here. Understanding more of it. Understanding more of the rest of it. Understanding dreams. Understanding each other. Love. Everything! Every special thing there is to understand, so we can both accomplish it together all at once!”
“Lucy – I just – I just want to thank you for making that beautiful wish. For me. For us. Or I wouldn’t have found you. And I wouldn’t be deserving of your magical presence at all – So then -”
“When? When exactly do we have the right to do it all? – Right now, Ash. That’s what’s been bugging me. I wish for it all to happen right now. Because then – we could go to a foster home and care for a kid or two. Or maybe even adopt one. That’s what’s been bugging me.”
I smile in tears of joy. “Baby, we’ll make it happen. Really soon.”
“Jazzelle first,” she reminds me.
All this. An absolute done deal!
Thursday 01 August 2019 – Part Two
The power to change someone’s destiny
is gifted by a heart of pure nature.
A mystical friend’s wish coming true.
Inspired by the fairy-like phenomenon.
Wherever you may be.
I hope that you have already
been gifted with the same
By a heart of pure nature.– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
Astrid’s greatest thing proclamation has suddenly prompted me to see David.
I trust him. And I know in my heart that he wants to make his wish come true. To visit his grandma and mum’s graves in Manitoba. And I remember him say with reflective clarity when he talked about his wishes – “I wish for something good to happen everyday. Like this. Having a talk with a nice person. Or a kid waving and saying hello to me. I don’t worry much about money – because people’s outpouring love gets me a combo meal by the end of the day. I’m already happy with just 10 bucks. But my greatest wish is to visit my grandma and mum’s graves in Manitoba. And who knows? Something wonderful would happen to me after that. Like something in my life would change. Like I would finally wake up from this. Or I would probably run into an old friend. My one and only friend. Who knows?” – And I would like to offer him the opportunity to make it all happen.
“David!” I say, rushing towards him.
His head turns to my direction. His eyes swell. Amazed yet somewhat in disbelief. “Rain!” he replies.
“What’s the matter?” I ask. “You look a little flustered.”
“Believe it or not,” he pants, “I’ve just prayed to grandma and mum. I’ve prayed that they’d send you to me today. ‘Cause I can be a nosy brat, too, sometimes. I’d like to know how that self-worth search worked out for you. I just wanted to make sure you were not feeling sad anymore. Om. Om. Om. I did my meditation, too, this morning. After my reading time at the library. And you know what I found out? Well – yeah – you know how meditation can be tricky all the time here and there. We find something nice or alarming about ourselves. And you know what I found out? I found out I was grateful to keep on living. Like this. Because if I wasn’t like this, I wouldn’t have met people like you. I wouldn’t know kindness and compassion. So now I know why I’m like this. Because I haven’t been kind and compassionate to myself since grandma passed on. When I should have been. So now I’m like this. But – like I said – hey, if I wasn’t like this, I wouldn’t have met people like you. I wouldn’t have understood kindness and compassion – And I’m sure the self-worth search worked out pretty good for you. But like I said, I can be a nosy brat sometimes. I’d still like to know. But – looking at your beautiful face right now, I believe you’ve made it. You’ve made it great. Haven’t you?”
I smile. “Yes, David. I’ve made it great.”
“I knew you would!” he snickers. “But – hey – I just wanted to know. I just wanted to hear it for real. Not being nosy or anything, but – there you go. I just wanted to know you were not feeling sad anymore.”
“Hey, would you wanna take the bus, the train – or would you rather fly your way back to Manitoba?”
“Rain! What in the glorious god of heavens are you talking about?”
“Which one would you enjoy most? C’mon. Take your pick.”
“The train. ‘Cause I’d like to see trees and them nature along the way. Waving at me. Saying hello.”
I pull out an envelope from my purse. It is stuffed with cash inside. I hand it to him, and he immediately stands on his feet – stunned! “It’s a good start for you to make your wishes come true,” I say. “Just a little help. Inspired by my fairy-like phenomenon.”
“Rain!” he staggers. “This isn’t just a little help! This is – this is – a miracle!” He takes a peek into the envelope, and his jaw drops. “Rain – this is – this is – too much! They’re in hundred-dollar bills! This is – this is – I can’t take this – I – don’t – I don’t deserve this – I -”
“It’s only a little over 2 grand, David,” I say. “You can clean yourself up, get yourself some new clothes and shoes, some nice meals, buy a train ticket, visit your grandma and mum’s graves, and keep that hope to run into an old friend. Your one and only friend.”
He shakes into blissful tears. “Thank you, Rain! Thank you! And yes! I’m really hoping to run into an old friend. My one and only friend from those happy childhood days. I bet he’s married now, with a wife and kids. But I’m really hoping to run into him. Because he was kind to me when we were growing up. He would sneak away with candies and desserts, and then we’d feast on them under a tree. We would sing and dance, and pretend we were heroes of the world.”
“David, I have a good feeling you’ll see him again.”
“Me too – Me too -”
“Well, good luck.”
“I can never thank you enough, Rain. I can never thank you enough.”
I thank the fairy-like phenomenon.
Astrid. My one and only. Dream girl.
The Master Missions. Day Thirty-Nine.
And because she has become the heart conqueror,
who marvels and dazzles, it has inspired me to do something special
for a friend. To make his wish come true.
However, it has only bolted me into another
Losing the chance.
Swoosh! Where did he go? David is nowhere to be found.
And the flummoxing defeat fuses out of my breaths. Lucy starts to rattle, too. I’ve told her about him, and his wishes, just after her breakdown. So we have come up with this idea right away.
But this is unlike him. He should have been here around this time. I would know. I know. He should have been here. Where could he have possibly gone to? Maybe to another favorite spot. But where? He has never had another one. This is it.
Lucy and I decide to make inquiries of his whereabouts. We walk into the coffee shop. His frequent food stop. “Hi – Govin,” I say, catching his nametag, “would you guys happen to know where we could find David? ‘Cause he’s not -”
“Oh! David!” he says, grinning. “He’s just said goodbye to us all!”
“What?” Lucy and I yelp in chorus.
“Yeah! He says a beautiful angel gave him a miracle! For him to go back to Manitoba to visit his grandma and mum’s graves, and he says he’s also hoping to run into a friend, and it would change his life forever -” he turns to his female co-worker, who’s just as thrilled as he is – “Isn’t that what he said? Well, knowing David, right? I mean, he’s a little – different. But in a – what would you call someone who believes in out-of-this-world experiences and existence? -” Back to me. “Whatever it’s called, but it’s something fun and good. And he’s really happy! We’ve never seen him that happy before! So I suggest you shouldn’t worry about him anymore. He’s doing great now. I know. So – nothing to worry at all. All good for him. All good. We all miss him already, but – all good.”
I have lost my chance.
I look at Lucy whose face spills out regrets.
Regrets. Losing chances.
This! Right here! Right now! Is my instant knowing epiphany!
“Thank you,” I say to the coffee shop attendant, then grab Lucy’s hand, and we make our exit. “Let’s go home!” I tell her. “I have something for you!”
We dash down the pavement, back to the apartment. She looks confused, and is having a hard time keeping up with my pace. “Babe, can we please slow down? You’re almost running!”
“Let’s run! I can’t wait!”
“Wait a minute -”
“What’s going on with you?”
“Want a race?”
“I don’t want a race!”
“I’m not letting go of your hand! Let’s finish the race together!”
“I’m not doing it!”
“Let’s go! Let’s go!”
“What’s up with you? God!”
“You sound like me now!” I laugh.
“Give me a break!” she giggles.
We race into the apartment building, up into the suite, then I shut the door behind us and give her a loud smack on the lips. “Wait here,” I say. I rush into the bedroom and bustle back to her – with the rose quartz wing necklace – kept only – for my other wing.
“It’s the same necklace you’ve got on,” she says. “What’s it for?”
“I got this one for my other wing. The other wing is that one special heart that I’d like to spend the rest of my life with. My one true love.” I put it on her, and she feels the necromantic necklace dangling over her chest. She feels it with her delicate fingers. She feels its magic. In a dreamy pleasure. In one dreamy pleasure that only speaks of the instant knowing epiphany – magic! “You are my other wing, Lucy. You will always be.”
“Is this a proposal?” she giggles.
I get down on my knee and kiss her hand. “I want to make those dreams come true with you. Your dreams. Our dreams. Will you let me?”
“I suppose I can answer – now,” she replies. “Without the full conclusion taking into place – yet.”
“This is it, Lucy. This is the conclusion.”
“It is. But it only becomes full once I’ve given you something in return. My writing.”
“So what’s the answer? To this conclusion.”
“Yes, Ash. My dreams. Our dreams.”
I rise, and we kiss. “Thank you!” I say. “And how would I know once the conclusion has already become full? When would you make me read those words that you wrote?”
“After visiting Jazzelle’s grave,” she says, “you’d bring with you a certain feeling. And whatever feeling it might be, I would feel it by heart. And once it matches with mine, that’s when the conclusion becomes full. We don’t even have to discuss it. We just look at each other, and we already know. That it’s all meant to be after all.”
“Babe, you’re so dreamy,” I laugh.
“I’m a romantic!” she replies. “Don’t ruin it!”
“Why am I so nervous all of a sudden?”
“Because it’s so close.”
“You. Everything. It’s so close. Finding out the truth. Whether or not the conclusion becomes full. That – whatever feeling you’d bring with you after visiting Jazzelle’s grave. How to face this conclusion. This other wing proposal. Going home. Coming home. Every special thing.”
“You’ve just made it all sound like red flags,” I tease her.
“Ash!” she giggles. “I cannot believe Astrid sounds more grown-up than you!”
“She’s the little sophist, and I’m – I’m – Well, I don’t know what I am exactly.”
We share a laugh that we have never shared before! Another instant knowing epiphany! To create more of these beautiful moments! With her!
It’s an absolute done deal!