Monday 29 July 2019
I am truly sorry.
But my heart already knows
what it needs to make it full.
No matter what I do
it all points me to one direction.
Because she’s there. Her heart needs me more.
And it’s the best thing to do
Wherever you may be.
I hope that your heart already
knows what it needs
to make it full.– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
Astrid calls me after an emotional meeting I’ve had with my boss.
I have just left the coffee shop, my boss’s other business that he runs himself, and am now about to take the subway to see Megan at the store. “Big angel,” she says, “I’ve got you a super present!”
“A super present!” I giggle. “What is it?”
“It’s a surprise!” she shrieks.
“Darling, you can tell me now,” I reply. “Or you’re stuck with me on the phone forever. C’mon. Drop it.”
“Promise me you won’t laugh?”
“Whatever it is, I promise to assault you with lots of tickles soon.”
Something that Jazzelle would say.
“Well, I saved up most of my allowance for an entire school year,” she confesses. “So I’m gonna use it to make a special reservation at a cool restaurant by the waterfront. For us. Once you come home for another visit.”
Something that I did myself to surprise Jazzelle as part of my 18th birthday celebration. The mark of the beginning of our official relationship.
“Darling,” I say, “you might wanna hang on to your savings for now, and I’ll take you somewhere fun instead once I get back. How does that sound?”
“Okay,” she mumbles.
“Hey, don’t be sad,” I comfort her. “I really appreciate the gesture. You know I do. It’s just that – there’s a perfect time for it. Trust me. There is. And it’s gonna be the most beautiful time ever.”
“When am I gonna see you, though?” she asks.
Something that I would throw at Jazzelle whenever she had to go away. Even just for a day or two.
“Really really soon!” I say. “I promise.”
“I trust you.”
“You do, huh? Like how humongous is this trust?”
“As humongous as – the sun, the moon, the heavens and – and the beauty of Nova Scotia!”
“Yeah, Nova Scotia is beautiful!”
“But you’re more beautiful, big angel,” she utters, whispering.
This scenario sounds wholeheartedly familiar.
Before I catch myself in a dreamy mood, I have to yield away. “Darling, I have to take the subway now. I’ve gotta go to the store and take care of some important stuff. Did you have your fruits this morning?”
“Yes, I did. I’ve had an avocado and a banana.”
“And what are you having for lunch?”
“I don’t know yet. I’m probably gonna heat up some leftover soup. And I’ll have it with crackers.”
“Have it with a whole grain bread. Not with crackers.”
“Okay – Mwah mwah mwah! Kisses kisses kisses for you, big angel! I love you!”
“Love you very much, too, darling!”
Megan doggedly refuses to believe what she has just heard.
“I know you’ve just transported me into a higher dimension, but I don’t want to accept it,” she says. “Though it seems to be true. But I just can’t deal with it right now. So there. I can’t deal with it. I’m just in a simulation of reality here. That’s what I wanna believe instead. This is a simulation of reality. I mean, the universe could be wrong about these things. But anyway. It’s a simulation of reality. I dreamed of spinach because of you. And those three animals. I knew these weirdest dreams meant something. Like the spinach could symbolize a fresh start of some sort. Whatever. But some kind of a fresh start. The white-orange dog might mean a new friendship. The dead chicken was probably telling me not to be afraid because something good would come along. And the nasty raccoon biting off my finger – hmm – I’ve got to research on that one. Though I didn’t do my research on the spinach, the white-orange dog, and the dead chicken, but whatever I came up with – well, they sounded pretty accurate. But anyway. Whatever. I’m still in a simulation of reality. So there. I’m all closed up. Sorry.”
“Megan,” I say, “it’s the beautiful epiphany I had been looking for. I have to do it or I’d be miserable. Do you understand?”
“So you’re moving back home to focus all your time and energy on writing books, and whatever. And that’s it? That’s an illusion, Rain. It is an illusion. Like you’re about to grab the ugliest stone and poke your head with it. There’s no such thing. I mean, I’m talking about the reality of all realities here. There is definitely no such thing. But anyway. Whatever. It’s your thing. So there.”
“It’s not the only thing that I’m gonna do. And it’s not just the only reason as to why I’m moving back home.”
“Then what are these things? You better make sure they’re a reality of all realities. I mean, we’re talking about reality here in the most practical sense. So have you figured out the practical sense yet?”
“My deceased partner left me some money. So I’m gonna take some classes and pursue writing. And just enjoy life. With – a friend.”
“A friend?” She pauses to feel her hunch. “Ooh. A friend? Like a friend friend? A friend that -”
“Just a very special friend,” I say, interrupting her. “She’s very young. She’s at a very vulnerable age. I want to be there for her to guide her through. It’s what my heart wants. I have to follow it. I want to keep her happy and all. And it doesn’t need any justification anymore because all that matters is I don’t want her to feel alone and unloved. That would be another torture for me after the plunging grief – Now do you understand?”
“She must be very special. Like – you remember those sophisticated teen TV dramas back in early 2000s?”
“What about them?”
“You hate their guts. You hate their mentality. You hate their outfits because they seem to scream power. You hate how easy it is for them to manipulate each other. You just hate everything about them. But anyway. It’s that hate that makes you love them regardless. You know what I mean? It’s like – why am I so addicted to these crappy shows, anyway? And why do I love these impossible characters that do not even mean anything to me, to my life, to the rest of the brainwashed generation. But whatever. I figure it’s something like that. I mean, what you’re feeling right now. So there.”
“Megan, it’s something about me. Myself. Who I was in the past. How I loved. How I loved so much that I wanted to scream it out to the world. How I was loved. And how she loved me with all her heart until she took her last breath. That’s what I’m feeling.”
She looks at me and smiles. “Rain, I don’t know why I’m happy all of a sudden. But I’m really happy. Like the best happy. But anyway. I think you better pack up now.”
“Thank you, magnetic Megan,” I giggle.
“Oh, speaking of magnetic Megan, I think I’ve got it all figured out.”
“I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. I realized I was pretty after all. I mean, not beautiful. Like – you. You’re like the meaning of beautiful. But whatever. I’m pretty. And I’m taking your advice. Exercise – Walking is okay? I mean, not just walk walk. But fast walk. Sweat it out. Wherever – Fruits. Veggies. Better facial cleanser. Better moisturizer. Better toner – Wait. Toner comes first, right? -”
“Facial cleanser. Toner. Moisturizer.”
“Got yah. See, I’ve never used any of these things before ‘cause I’ve got a very sensitive skin. But anyway. I’m still taking your advice. And I know there are things out there for my sensitive skin to use. But whatever. And I know it’s gonna work. I mean, I have to give justice to my mantra after all, right? The magnetic Megan – So when are you leaving?”
“That fast? I’m gonna start crying tonight.”
“Don’t. You know we can still talk, and we’re gonna visit each other. What time is Jared coming, anyway?”
“In about 30 minutes,” she says. “He’s probably swinging by that fast food place to give his crush a wink. He says his tactic is to look into her eyes. You know, the way that Rasputin might do? Only his eyes look average. But good average. Something that would snap you into some kind of another dimension. Like a romantic dimension. Sexual -”
“Megan!” I laugh. “Oh god! You’re making me miss you already!”
“Oh, I miss you already, too. Now I’ve gotta look for another hottie lesbian friend who would inspire me.”
“Are you still hoping for your gay obsession to show up, though?”
“Yes! And I have a feeling she’s gonna turn up anytime soon!”
“Don’t call me if she does. Just let the moment absorb you. In a beautiful way.”
“I don’t know how to do that. But anyway. I’ll figure it out myself. But whatever.”
“You will. Use your mantra – Well, I better go now. I’ve gotta talk to my landlord and get rid of things. Oh, you can have most of my stuff, too, if you want.”
“The couch! It’s all mine! My butt loves it!”
Just as I have vacated the store to get to the bus stop, Astrid blows in with a text message:
Big angel, I tripped. I think I broke my ankle, and it hurts so bad!!! 😭😰😱
Something that I would do to catch hold of Jazzelle’s attention whenever she was away.
To keep my amusement, I call her instead – “Darling, what happened?”
“I – I – I tripped,” she stutters. It’s a lie.
“Well – I – I -”
Jazzelle would know if I was lying or not.
“It’s a trick, isn’t it?” I laugh.
“Yeah,” she admits. “I’m sorry. It’s just – It’s just – I just want you here now. I’m sorry.”
“I’ll be there. I’m just sorting out some stuff here. What are you up to today?”
“I’m gonna see fruit cake later, and we’re going for fish and chips. And Leila’s gonna be there, too.”
“Are you jealous of Leila?”
“No. I just don’t like the look on her face every time fruit cake and I talk and laugh and mess around with each other.”
“Because she’s jealous of you.”
“She doesn’t have to be jealous. Because fruit cake just loves me as a little sister.”
“You and apricot have a stronger bond. That’s why it makes her jealous a lot more.”
“Well, I’d be super jealous once you found your dream girl.”
My dream girl. I’m sorry. I don’t even know your truest existence anymore. Perhaps, I’ll find out your truth in time. Because right now, all that my heart ever wants is to spend my days with the mirror of my past-self. And it’s something – something –
True. Beautiful. Innocent. Kind. Pure.
With their superlative meanings.
And it is meant for me to keep.
“Darling,” I say, “don’t think of that right now. It’ll only make you sad.”
It will only make us both sad.
“Big angel,” she says, “if I were a little older, would you like to go out on a date with me?”
“We can go out on lots of dates. Even if you’re only 16.”
“I meant – like a romantic kind of date.”
“Yes, I would.”
“Yes. Of course.”
“Would you fall in love with me, too?”
Something that I asked Jazzelle when I was 13.
“Yes, I would,” I say. Without hesitation.
“YOU WOULD??? REALLY???”
The same way I hollered.
“Darling, you’re very special. You’re anyone’s dream girl.”
“Well, you’re my dream girl. And I know I will love you for the rest of my life.”
Something that I told Jazzelle when we acknowledged our mutual love when I turned 15.
Dream girl. Wherever you may be. Oh, wherever you may be. Show me your truth.
Because this is my heart’s truth.
And it is meant for me to keep.
For a lovely lifetime.
With the fairy-like phenomenon.
That my heart can never resist.
That my heart can only love.
Whose beautiful heart deserves to be loved.
Within the comfort.
Of our own home.
The Master Missions. Day Thirty-Six.
Mission #3: Meet the Beauty.
I let go of all the complexities
of feeling trapped in waking nightmares.
Lucy’s grace to help me realize my heart.
My sister’s loneliness and sadness.
I am set yet again
to see myself holding on
to a beautiful fate
of life and love.
I am more than ready.
Swoosh! This eerie feeling of happiness.
Despite it all. Knowing that Lucy is still home with me. Knowing that I’m about to see my family. Already imagining my sister’s ecstatic reaction. Though I’m not in Lucy’s heart anymore. Yet she’s still in mine. She will always be. For the rest of my life.
But just this eerie feeling of happiness that I have never felt before. The magical knowing that everything will fall right into place. No matter how impossible it may seem right now. The magical knowing itself is already happiness. Frolicking in my heart.
“I’ve called the airline company, and they could only squeeze us in for a late morning Friday flight,” Lucy informs me. “So I got us the seats for Friday instead.”
“That’s okay,” I reply.
She looks into the fridge. “Babe, what do you feel like having for lunch?”
My tickled amusement kicks in. “Uh, I don’t know. What do you feel like having?”
She turns to me. “Do you wanna eat out or something?” She notices my cheering blush. “Why are you giving me that look?”
“Nothing!” I giggle. “I’m sorry. Keep going.”
“No no.” She sits beside me, then rests her chin on my shoulder. “Tell me why you’re giving me the look.”
I wrap my arm around her. “If I were to marry you, we would have a grand wedding in my parents’ backyard. Then you would have to prepare yourself to give them grandkids.”
“I’d carry the first born” she plays along. “You would have to do the next one. And we could only have two. A girl and a boy. Or maybe three.”
“Two would be perfect.” I kiss her on the forehead. “Would we settle in Halifax, Montreal, or here in Toronto?”
“I think Halifax would be a charming choice. Don’t you think? Although I would love for them to learn French. But I could speak to them in French at home. That would work, too.”
“Yeah. Sounds like a perfect idea already.”
“So what are we having for lunch?” she says, breaking away from our daydreaming.
“Let’s check out that Vegan store downtown,” I reply. “They’ve got some really scrumptious stuff there. We need to grab some for dad, too.”
“Okay.” She kisses me on the face. “Can we swing by my place after? I need to pick up more clothes.”
“Oh god!” I laugh.
“What?” She’s flustered. “What’s so funny?”
“Oh god, babe. I have no idea what we’re doing. But it’s working perfectly great for us!”
“Let’s not go dramatic anymore. C’mon. Let’s get outta here already.”
Lucy and I enter the Vegan food store, holding each other’s hands.
The same two lovely employees are working. And I still remember the lady’s name, Megan. As carved on her nametag.
And they both look surprised to see us. With an awkward punch. Megan elbows her co-worker, who also appears a bit bouncy.
She whispers something to him. He whispers something back. While Lucy and I are amused – yet confused at once.
“Hey, guys,” I greet them, as Lucy and I approach the counter.
“H-hey,” Megan replies, then clears her throat. “Why does this always happen every time she goes away?”
“Excuse me?” I respond, giggling.
“I’m sorry,” she mutters. “So – uh – how -” She clears her throat again. “How – uh -” She gathers herself together. “Anyway, our friend is leaving. So we’re just really sad right now. That’s why we’re not ourselves, really. As you can probably see. But anyway. Here we are so sad. I don’t know why I’m sharing this personal information with you, but I’m sharing it, anyway. It’s like the universe is poking me to do it. So I’m doing it. But whatever.” She looks at Lucy. “Hi. God, you’re gorgeous, too.”
“What?” Lucy giggles modestly.
“And you seem like someone with a very kind heart,” Megan says, eyeing Lucy. “This is so unfair. I have to look like that, too. Someone with a very kind heart.”
“The kindest and purest,” I pride up, smiling at my kindest and purest other heart.
“So – uh -” Megan says, “are you two – uh – You know what I mean? Kinda – you know?”
“Maybe,” Lucy answers, reading the context hidden in Megan’s pry.
A maybe sounds optimistic. And a road to stability. I smile. Though without expectations.
“I’m already dead,” Megan murmurs. “But it’s a good dead. You know that feeling when you can’t have someone, and yet you know that someone else has been waiting for you somewhere, and you know that the universe has already been keeping them away from other people because they’re already meant for you? That kind of good dead. But anyway. Whatever. I’m already dead.”
Lucy and I look at each other.
“We need to pick up a whole bunch of goodies,” I say, smiling at Megan.
“We’ll have some of them for lunch, too,” Lucy says. “Or would you wanna eat out instead? It’s kinda late. We should just pick up stuff for your dad then. What do you think?”
“I’m not that hungry yet,” I reply. “Are you? I’ll take you to some good Japanese place then.”
She fixes my hair. “You’ve only had naan bread for breakfast. And a plum. That wasn’t enough.”
“Two plums,” I retort.
“Please,” she says, “let me stuff you up. And that’s that.”
“Oh my god,” Megan croaks. “This is so kind and beautiful. I’m staying gay. And I’m turning my heart into something kind and pure and beautiful. To keep the magnetic Megan going. So there.”
All that’s beautiful is already absolute.
All that makes me feel loved is already absolute. All that makes me fall in love is already absolute.
I don’t have to weave out our circumstance anymore. It’s simple. She’s here with me. She still loves me with all her heart. And my heart still can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her. What is so complicated about that?
The talk was just a talk. An emotional revelation. A heart awakening. To something more. To the kindest and purest, as I always say. Because that’s what it will always be. The kindest and purest. It’s beauty.
The kind of beauty that I may never even see in the instant knowing. This is already the instant knowing. The beauty of it all. Her. Being with me. Loving me. Me. Whose heart is already filled. With all the absolute truths.
Of love and life.
We’re sitting in a Japanese restaurant, relishing our meal. Smiling at each other. Admiring each other. Looking into each other’s eyes.
It is a dream that I’m living in.
It is my heart’s dream.
Where else should I be? Who else is out there?
Nowhere. No one.
Only with her. And only her. My kindest and purest other heart.
“Can we get a bookshelf?” she asks.
“A small one will do,” I reply. “You need a big one, though?”
“I’ve got a mini library. I’m like a book hoarder. I think I had a past life in the renaissance period when people valued arts the most and spread their beauty far and wide everywhere. To influence its people.”
“Oh god, babe. Here you are with your wise talk again. You’ve gotta educate me more about these things, so I would know what on earth you’re talking about.”
“Okay. And what are you gonna teach me?”
“I’ve gotta teach you – how to – back off a little.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Here’s what I know for sure. You must have read Plato’s The Republic. Right? And what do you think of it?”
“You know how to trick me now,” she giggles.
“It’s a Socratic dialogue,” I say. “Defining justice of a man’s character. So here’s my own contention of it. Not so much of a contention, but my personal inclination for love. As defined by such justice.”
“Okay. I’m listening.”
“There are times for you to move forward. There are also times for me to move forward. When those times come, one should give the other the opportunity to do so. Because the other has already justified her heart and thoughts concerning the desired actions. To get to the good objective. And one must respect it. To me, this is the order of love character. And I would really appreciate it if we could do that for each other.”
“Why are you being so sexy now?” she laughs.
“I’ve always been sexy,” I jest. “I just haven’t given myself the opportunity to show it off around you.”
“God, you’re beautiful.”
Lucy and I walk into the apartment, with a packed suitcase of her clothes.
I wheel it into the bedroom as she invades the kitchen to put the groceries away, then I run back to her with a refreshing feeling of contentment and happiness.
“Are we bringing them all to Halifax?” she asks.
“Just those sausages for dad,” I reply.
“Is he vegan?”
“He wants to be vegetarian.”
“You think your parents would like me?”
“Babe, you don’t even have to open your mouth with all your wise talks flying out of there for them to like you as much as they should.”
“You’re crazy,” she laughs.
I plant a smack on her lips. “You’re beautiful.” And my sister jangles through her phone. “How come she calls you and she doesn’t call me?” I whine.
“It’s our own thing,” she says, winking. She answers the call with a smile. “Hey, love. What’s happening?” – Smiling – Listening – “That’s awesome! Maybe what she meant by it was – you’ve gotta hang on to that restaurant reservation until your 18th birthday -”
“Restaurant reservation?” I murmur, frowning.
Smiling. Listening. “Love – Love – listen – Hey, listen. I know it’s intense, but you have to be very patient for it. And look. Two years wouldn’t be that bad for you to wait at all. And time just flies so fast. Especially when you’re having fun. Just enjoy school for now. Enjoy the love. And look forward to an amazing future -” Smiling. Listening. “Yeah, we’re okay. She’s here. Wanna speak to her? – Okay -” She passes the phone to me.
“Darling,” I say, “what’s up with the restaurant reservation? Is there something that you’re not telling me about?”
“I’m taking big angel to this cool restaurant by the waterfront to celebrate my 18th birthday,” my sister replies.
“Are you in love with big angel?” I ask.
“Babe, be subtle,” Lucy reminds me.
“Yes,” my sister admits, whispering.
“And how big is this love?” I investigate, amused.
“You sound like big angel, Ashie,” she says.
“Well, maybe because I’m also a big angel,” I reply. “So – how big is this love, anyway?”
“I knew deep down in my heart from the moment I saw her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. But I figured I was young, and it would be impossible. So then I looked for another answer in my heart. And it was when I felt that you two belonged in each other’s lives. But -”
“So which one do you think is more powerful? The instant knowing? Or the feeling attached to the other answer found in your heart?”
“The instant knowing.”
“There you go, darling. You’ve found the one. Already.”
So have I.
My other wing. The kindest and purest. My other heart.
Always and forever.
No one else.
An absolute done deal!
Tuesday 30 July 2019
When clarity presents itself
a heart’s impulse takes over.
Once accepted, the movement
The inner-wisdom is
knowing how profound
And it is hidden away
in the mirror of my past-self.
Who knows more of it.
Wherever you may be.
I hope you have already
surrendered to inner-truth
found in your heart’s impulse.– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
Questioning this. All this. What for?
Answers are found. The move is righteous and virtuous enough. Though I’m betraying your magical intrusion. Everything that I have started. Even my work family.
I’m betraying this. You. Our union. My hope to run into you and capture your heart. Though now your truest existence starts to become vague. I don’t know your truth anymore. The truth that I once knew.
Who are you? Why did you flash into my life, then transform it into something beautiful? Regardless of the illusion. The elusive truth. Yet you created beauty and warmth within me. That I wouldn’t be able to accomplish myself.
No matter what. You came with a special purpose. And I will always be forever grateful.
I have been busy packing up and throwing stuff away. As Astrid’s heart overwhelms me with gripe. The frightening familiarity. The complete honesty of it all.
It’s almost noontime now. And my morning was flooded with her long messages. I must have only replied to one of them as I need to get the packing done by the end of the day.
I know what she’s feeling. I can feel it from here. Stormy and burning. The anxiety is taking a toll on me. That I lose my breath.
Until she can’t help it anymore. She blasts in with a call. I answer it right away.
Something that I would do when Jazzelle was preoccupied with other things but me.
“Big angel,” she wheezes, “are you still busy?”
“Yeah,” I reply. “Just swamped here with a lot of things. Sorry, darling.”
I haven’t told her about the move yet. Coming home for good. All she knows is I’m flying back for a visit. Whether to make her dream come true or not, it’s just a visit. And she’s already fine with that.
“I spent my morning writing an essay,” she says.
“Wow!” I perk up. “Really? What’s it about?”
“About you,” she replies.
Something that I didn’t do. For Jazzelle. My heart snaps into a strain.
“I can’t wait to read it,” I say, about to burst into tears.
“I’ve also got a job interview this afternoon,” she enthuses. “I want to save up more money. So I can do stuff for you, and we can do stuff together.”
Something that I didn’t do when I was 16. As my childish heart didn’t have the courage to take the leap.
“Darling,” I say, sounding brave, “that’s really sweet of you. But why don’t you enjoy the rest of the summer for now, and reconsider the job hunt – maybe some time next year?”
“No. I wanna do it now. Because I don’t want to disappoint you. I don’t want you paying for things all the time. I want to step up with my share. And I want to do it as much as I can.”
“Darling, you know your future is way more important than anything else. Right? That’s what I want you to focus more on. Don’t think about what you can do for me. I’m fine. I’ll always be fine. Think about what your future should look like and what you can do to accomplish it.”
“I already know what it looks like. And I already know how to accomplish it.”
“Okay. Tell me. What does it look like and how are you gonna accomplish it?”
Something that I never thought of.
“A lovely lifetime with you,” she says, with a strong conviction.
Something that I hoped for. Upon your magical intrusion. A lovely lifetime with you. My dream girl.
“Oh my god, darling,” I weep silently.
“And I’m gonna study Philosophy,” she continues. “I’m gonna teach Philosophy and write books. I’m gonna teach and write about the value of love and kindness and all their beautiful things. I’m gonna -”
“Darling -” I interject, as my weak heart struggles to stay alive – “- how did you figure this all out?”
“I didn’t figure it all out. It just came to me. ‘Cause I love you so much. I know that I’m still young, and I’ve still got a lot to learn. But loving you inspires me to do great things. And that’s how I understand love. It makes me wanna do the greatest things. So I can keep myself happy. Really happy. So I can also keep you really happy. Because I don’t want you to be sad, and I don’t want to lose you. So I’m gonna be great in life. That’s how I’ll accomplish it.”
Something that never came to my consciousness when I was madly in love.
Astrid would have been Jazzelle’s dream girl. Instead.
“I’m really happy that you’ve come to realize these beautiful things. I’m proud of you already. Very proud.”
“I can’t wait to see you,” she says.
“I’ll be there very soon,” I reply. “Don’t worry.”
“When are you coming?”
“Will surprise you.”
“I want to surprise you, too.”
“I’ll take you and apricot to that cozy restaurant by the waterfront as soon as I get there. How’s that?”
“Would you want Leila to tag along as well?”
“No,” she grunts. “She doesn’t like me. I can tell. She twitches a lot when I’m around. ‘Cause fruit cake would rather mess with me. So I try to avoid the tension that way.”
“Darling!” I laugh. “Ah, you’re funny.”
“I don’t think she’s ever gonna like me. Ever.”
“And does that bother you?”
“It bothers me ‘cause it makes me feel sad for her.”
“Because I wish I could make her understand that she wouldn’t lose fruit cake. ‘Cause he loves her so much. That’s why I feel sad for her all the time.”
Something that I never understood whenever Jazzelle attempted to make friends amongst her peers.
Ah, Astrid. How could love create such beauty and wisdom in you?
The righteous and virtuous move. I’m coming home to your heart. And you will keep mine.
For a lovely lifetime.
Soothing jazz music sways in the background as I’ve taken a breather from packing to enjoy a cup of coffee.
It’s mid-afternoon, and all I can think of is how Astrid transforms love into the grandest and most beautiful ways.
Her definition of true love: be with somebody who turns love into something grand and beautiful everyday for a lifetime.
Her love Philosophy: to do the greatest things in life to keep yourself really happy, so you could also keep your person really happy. To keep the love.
Her other understanding of love: trust it with a full heart and what’s out there is insignificant. Love wouldn’t leave you no matter what.
Now I wonder as to how and why I never learned love truths the same way as Astrid did. How and why Jazzelle still loved me despite all my shortcomings. How and why it lasted longer than it should until she took her last breath.
I suppose Jazzelle showed me the kindest and purest love. Now Astrid is showing me the deepest sense of it.
And you, my dream girl. You have shown me what to do and how to believe in love again.
All of you. My dream girls. The dream girls of one’s lifetime.
I feel so lucky to have ever come to know you all!
And Astrid raves into my phone. I pick it up in one ring. “Darling,” I say, “some good news?”
“It’s great news!” she thrills. “I’ve got the job, and I’m starting tomorrow! The manager has already given me a schedule! So I work Wednesdays through Sundays, from noon until 5! Five hours per shift! And he asked me if I was looking for something long-term! I said yes! So then he assured me that he would adjust my schedule once I go back to school! Then I asked him what he saw in me! You know, why he wanted to hire me! And he laughed, and he said he just knew right away how determined and sincere I was! And then I threw in a follow-up question, how he could have known it! He laughed again, and said it was some kind of human magic! He’s really super nice! Ah! I’m so excited already!”
“Oh my goodness, darling,” I giggle. “I can’t believe you asked him those impossible questions that no normal interviewee would ever do. You just keep on surprising people with your fairy-like wits, don’t you?”
Ah, Astrid. How could anyone not love your heart and soul?
“I’m so happy for you,” I continue. “So what kind of job is it?”
“A smoothie place!” she replies. “I’m gonna be making healthy smoothies! Until I graduate from college, that is. Because I love the manager already. The human magic thing got me right on. I mean, not all people could say the same thing about other people, you know? Especially when they’re strangers to each other – But how come when I first met you, I felt like I had already known you for a very long time! I mean, apart from you being my sister’s clone or something. Now that’s part of human magic, too! Don’t you think? – Oh, I think it was more like – love magic. Yeah, definitely along the line of human magic as well! Right, big angel?”
She keeps on enchanting all of me every second.
Now I know who deserves Jazzelle’s money more.
“Uh, darling,” I say, “will you promise me something? Something very important.”
“Yes, big angel,” she says.
“That no matter what, you’re keeping this promise whether you like or not.”
“You’re scaring me now.”
“It’s for your own good. It’s for your dream future. So don’t be scared. Okay?”
“Okay. What is it?”
“Once you get to college, you wouldn’t juggle your time between work and school anymore. You’d only devote your time to finishing that Philosophy degree. Will you promise me that?”
“But – big angel -”
“I’ll be there for you. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”
“But I also want to -”
“Darling, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Trust me. So – will you keep the promise or -”
“But how am I supposed to earn my keep?”
“By devoting your time to finishing your Philosophy degree. That’s how you earn your keep.”
“But how can I -”
“Do you trust me?”
“Do you want to make your dreams come true?”
“Of course, I do.”
“Then you have to promise me that you’d do it.”
“But – big angel -”
“Do you want a lovely lifetime?”
“It’s what I’m working on.”
“It’s what you’re working on. And it comes with a promise. The promise that devoting your time to school would be your first priority. Because college requires a lot of focus and dedication to get through it. And I want you to accomplish it with flying colors. Will you promise me that?”
“But how am I supposed to take care of you, and get you -?”
“You’d be taking care of me by keeping your promise and finishing your Philosophy degree.”
“Big angel -”
“Darling,” I say, “have I failed you for once?”
“Never,” she replies.
“So do you fully trust me then?”
“Yes, I do.”
“And how humongous is this trust?”
“As humongous as the sun, the moon, the heavens, and the beauty of Nova Scotia!”
“Then you have to make the promise. If you really want to make your dreams come true.”
“Okay. I promise.”
“Awesome!” I cheer. “So what are you up to now?”
“I’m meeting fruit cake in about 2 hours or so,” she replies. “We’re going for a walk by the waterfront and we’re having ice cream!”
“Is Leila gonna be there?”
“No. We asked her to hop in, but she said she was gonna be busy at the flower shop. But I think it was only an escape excuse ‘cause – you know -?”
“Why don’t you talk to her and make her understand?”
“I tried. But she would always find a way to ditch.”
Something that I would do whenever Jazzelle schemed up with friendship attempts and invited them over to our place.
“I’ll talk to her,” I say.
“That’d be a great idea,” she agrees. “I love you, big angel.”
“Love you, too, darling.”
“You are my lovely lifetime dream girl. Mwah mwah mwah! Kisses kisses kisses!”
You are anyone’s lovely lifetime dream heart and soul.
The Mater Missions. Day Thirty-Seven.
The instant knowing. Still quite a mystery to me.
I’m sure it’s not just about what Lucy felt for my sister.
There is more magic to it. Now my endearing curiosity burns to know.
The magical truth lurking in it.
Swoosh! We are on the most crucial mission!
This instant knowing fire bugs me. It burns! It burns! Brrr!
Once we’ve figured this out, we’re asking Lucy to marry us! Right away! I’m down on my knee, flashing the other rose quartz wing necklace, with a sacred heart vow!
Though we may have already known that she’s the one! She will always be the one! And it will never budge!
Hmm. You better make sure about that.
Excuse me? Are you poking me again? Is that a question or a command?
Okay. Won’t ask you anymore. You can be a little complicated to deal with at times. Our life is already in a smooth-sailing glide here. Smooth-sailing glide! You got that?
Instant knowing. Where are you? Where could you possibly be? Where would I run into you?
I need you now! NOW! Right now! So I can propose!
Hmm. You better make sure about that.
Oh god, Swoosh! You’re killing me! Shut up!
Right after supper, Lucy is poised in the sofa chair with a pen and a pad in hand. “Would you like some tea?” I ask.
“That’d be great,” she replies. “Thanks, babe.”
I fix her a cup of chamomile tea and settle it on the center table. “What are you up to?” I pry.
“Just something,” she says.
I squash myself into the sofa chair with her. “C’mon, babe. What is it? What are you working on? What’s with the writing thing?”
“I haven’t even written anything yet,” she giggles. “Please. Can’t I get some privacy around here?”
I respond with a sultry kiss. “I’m feeling a little dreamy right now.”
“We’re not doing it tonight,” she says. “In fact, we’re not doing it – until we already know for sure – that this – us – is for a lifetime.”
“Ash, you know how much I love you. You know how much I only want to spend the rest of my life with you despite my instant knowing epiphany. This is why I’m still here. And it’s so hard for me to leave you no matter what I’d do or say. But – I have to wake up at some point here and set some boundaries. Until we have freed ourselves from all these dreadful doubts. Until we both know for sure that this wouldn’t just last for a month or two or a year or two. Because I’m still sticking to my dream. Marrying you and having a charming future with you – Can you be more discerning of it and be patient?”
“Yeah. Sure. I’m cool with it. If that’s what you want.”
“It’s not what I want. It’s what we both want. Because I’m pretty sure you also want to experience this instant knowing epiphany once you happen to come across the one who would make you realize it.”
“Yes. I would also like to know how it feels, though my heart already knows how much it only wants you. To be with you. To live in your charming future.”
“We’ll see. We’ll find out the truth in time. And don’t be afraid to tell me once it hits. Please. That’s all I need from you.”
“You’re making me nervous now.”
“We’re doing it for us. Whether we’re meant to be or not. Because – I’m sorry to remind you again – but I certainly don’t want to spend the rest of my days or weeks with you, anticipating for your confession. That, ‘oh by the way, I’ve met someone and here’s what I feel and I can’t challenge it no matter what – I’m meant to spend a charming future with this person instead, and my heart’s desire is so strong that I can’t wait to be with her anymore! So I’m really sorry if we didn’t work out. We tried, but -’ – No. I’m not waiting for that speech, and just letting you – mistreat my heart – again. I’m sorry.”
Swoosh, are you crying? Stop crying! Don’t cry! Don’t splash it out! Be brave! Because she is right! You’re crying out of remorse and guilt! But you should go past this lowest cycle now, and respect her words! Be vulnerable! It’s okay. It’s really okay. All you know is you are already holding on to the promise. Of loving her with all your existence, strength, and truth. Until you rest.
I kiss her on the forehead. “I love you. Will always do.”
She smiles. “I love you. Will always do.”
“I better start packing now.”
“Our stuff. In one suitcase. And I’m doing it.”
“How on earth are you gonna accomplish that?”
“We’re minimalists. Right?”
“Hmm. You’re a minimalist now? Despite you being a book hoarder?”
“We’re getting rid of it all once we’ve come to the conclusion.”
“Can’t wait – So anyway, what’s with the writing situation here?”
“Get outta here.”
“I’m squished in here until you tell me!”
“Then I’m flying into the kitchen!”
“Tell me! C’mon!”
“It’s a surprise! I mean, it would be a surprise. Once we’ve come to a conclusion. Whatever it might be.”
“A – conclusion? Not – the – conclusion?” I analyze.
“Whatever it might be,” she replies.
Instant Knowing. What is it, really?
Swoosh, press the analyzer button! We’re going for the rundown! How many can we come up with? Let’s go! Are they supposed to be questions or statements based on our own judgment?
Regardless, here they are!
- Is it telling the truth?
- Is it simply the equivalent of first impression?
- Is it making a heart jump into a singular direction?
- Is it obedient?
- Is it kind?
- Is it lasting?
- Is it courageous?
- Is it divine?
- Is it the strongest conviction?
- Is it the best thing that matters?
- Is it understanding?
- Is it destiny?
Now press the rewind button.
For when the time we first met Lucy.
We watched a local play. We sat right next to her. She smiled at us. We smiled back. What did we feel? What did we think of her?
We watched the entire play, a boring play it was, and we just couldn’t wait for it to finish, so we could talk to her.
Finally, the lights were on!
We stood up. She stood up. We faced her and went on with our intro. Her smile already held you up. So kind. So pure. So vulnerable. The kindest and purest. The most vulnerable one we had ever found.
She refused to shake hands because she said it was bad luck. Or we wouldn’t see her again anymore. Or she wouldn’t see us anymore either. So we braved up for a hug. She hugged back with grace and humility. You jumped. I lost my breath.
What else. What came to my mind? What did I see? What was so overwhelming about it?
Oh. I saw her making love to me. With all the steamiest and the most passionate sensibility.
I saw her taking care of me. With her nurturing quirks.
I saw her taking her breath away just by staring at me.
I saw her – I saw her –
Already crying. Behind her closed door.
Swoosh! Please! Not that! Give me something kind and pure! There should be something more hidden in there! Let it out! It wasn’t the only thing I saw! I’m sure there was something more!
Something like –
Oh god. That was it? That was the instant knowing? No! It’s unacceptable!
What else – what else – WHAT ELSE!!!
Nothing else because it was how I wanted it all to happen. It was how I intended for her to exist in my life. It was how I affirmed for our connection to look like.
Now let’s go back to the instant knowing place. When did it occur?
Ah. When she first smiled. So pure. So kind. So vulnerable. The kindest and purest. The most vulnerable one we had ever found. We already knew her heart upon the first smile alone.
And I took advantage of it!
Let’s cry it out again!
And she catches me rolling in bed, squeezing my heart out into splashes! “Babe, why are you crying?”
“Come here!” I pull her into me, and we snuggle. “You’re so kind,” I whisper into her ear, “so pure, and so vulnerable. The kindest and purest. The most vulnerable one I had ever found. And I’m truly sorry if I took advantage of it. Really sorry.”
“Hey, we’re here,” she responds. “We’re still together. And I think it wasn’t a coincidence as to why I called you that day.”
“I think it didn’t only mean another chance. It meant – for me to have the deepest realization. That I could love, and that my heart came to understand love. Just like what you said. But I know it’s more than that. It’s way more than that, Lucy. Deep down in your heart, you know it, too.”
“I don’t know, Ash. All I know is I’m holding on to a dream. My dream to be with you for the rest of my life. That’s all I know.”
“Well, I want your dream to come true now.”
“Me too. But we can’t do that yet. Because we still don’t know if it’s meant for us. We won’t know until – your instant knowing happens.”
“I don’t like this idea of instant knowing anymore,” I grumble.
“Oh my god,” she laughs. “You sound like a stubborn teenager, babe! Astrid sounds a lot more mature than that!”
“Has she called?”
“Yeah. While I was finishing up with my writing. She told me she just landed a job.”
“I don’t understand why she’s not talking to me anymore.”
“I do. Because you’re so caught up with our situation, and it sidetracks you from reaching out to her. She’s also a huge part of your life, you know? You’ve gotta communicate.”
“I’m calling her now.”
“She’s talking to big angel now. Don’t butt in.”
“I’m also her big angel.”
“No, you’re not. You’re her sister who forgets the rest of the world once she’s trapped in something.”
“Then why can’t we make your dream come true now? Our dream to come true!”
“We’re not discussing this again, Ash. We’ve already come to an agreement, and we have to stick to it whether we like it or not.”
“Is this supposed to be another evil truth?”
“It is the truth that we’re both looking for to get going.”
“And what would this instant knowing do for us? It scares the hell out of me now.”
“Whatever it might be, it would do us both good.”
“How would you know?”
“Because it’s the answer. To everything.”
“It’s terrifying,” I sigh. “So anyway -”
“You’re about to ask me about my writing,” she says. “I’ve already told you. You wouldn’t find out until -”
“I really hate this instant knowing threat, really. It’s like the most horrifying confrontation of my life ever.”
“It could be horrifying or beautiful.”
“It’s also a beautiful feeling. All epiphanies are supposed to be beautiful. Especially the instant knowing one.”
“Is it like – love at first sight?”
“A lot more powerful than that. Actually, it’s far from it. Love at first sight could be a shallow epiphany a lot of times. Whereas, instant knowing is kind and pure. It is for what it is.”
“And which ancient Philosopher said that?”
“Astrid made me realize it.”
“She should be a Philosopher then.”
“It’s funny that you’ve said that.”
“Oh god,” I say, realizing it. “I’m really missing out on a lot of important life situations here. And I’ve – I’ve been -”
“You’ve been an undesirable sister,” she replies. “And I’m sorry for slapping the truth in your face.”
“It’s a wake-up truth.”
“It is. So it’s time to make a move.”
It is an absolute done deal!
Wednesday 31 July 2019
Pause is required when doubts
are at play.
Pause directs me to
rational and moral decisions.
A thoughtful act of silence.
To feel the truth.
Wherever you may be.
I hope that you have already
taken the time to
And feel the truth.– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
The packing, the dumping, the cleaning – all done.
Even the donation task has already been carried out this morning. Not enough sleep. Not enough food intake. Not enough of everything about me.
Astrid has been sending me with a whole bunch of sad, crying, sick, worried, and impatient emoticons over text messages. I have only replied once. With a whole bunch of hearts and smileys. Along with a few lines – ‘Busybee, darling. Back at ya once I’m free. Love you!’ – And she has responded with – ‘Okay. Don’t forget to hit me up! Mwah mwah mwah! Kisses kisses kisses for my big angel! Love you very very much!’
Something is holding me back. A disheartening discourse.
And it’s something that I must realize first before I open my heart to my homecoming plans – completely! It must be why I cannot tell Astrid.
No, it has nothing to do with age at all. I can wait, and she will have to do the same as well. Not just in a moral and practical sense. But to know the truth of our love destiny. If it’s meant to be. If we’re meant to be.
Is it the frightening familiarity and the complete honesty?
No, it’s more than that. It’s the love magic.
It’s the pure love that I felt upon catching her fairy-like phenomenon. It was not love at first sight. It was a lasting feeling that I knew would haunt me. I couldn’t resist it. I revealed my heart without –
So what is this disheartening discourse that’s holding me back?
It must be you. My dream girl. Meeting you. For real.
Are you really out there? Do you really exist? Do you know your innate nature?
Should I look forward to meeting you first? Should I disobey what my heart has known? Should I wait for you?
For how long? For how long must I suffer from this? For how long does my love destiny anticipate for the sweet official answer?
Because I know it’s going to be the first thing that she would confront me about once I’m standing in front of her. I know this. As love intensity amplifies itself, it only needs the sweet official answer to calm the mind, calm the spirit, and calm the heart. And it leaves one with a smile – the faithful smile – that all is well and she will always be mine.
The disheartening discourse. Meeting you. First.
Where? How? When?
My exhaustion has descended me into a long nap. Astrid’s call has woken me up, and I find myself hopping off the bed, with a mortifying realization. I haven’t kept my word. And it’s almost 6 P.M. now in the Atlantic. She has already clocked out from work about an hour ago. My heart is in conscience-stricken mode, and I can barely talk. “Big angel!” she cries.
Something that I would do to send Jazzelle into panic.
“Darling!” I blurt out. “God, I’m really really really sorry! I just got so exhausted that I fell asleep, and I -”
“What have you been up to, anyway?” she groans in tears. “How come you’re not telling me?”
“You’ll find out once I see you,” I reply.
“When are you coming?”
“Pretty soon. I’m – home – really soon.”
Another deja vu. The frightening familiarity. The complete honesty. Yet the disheartening discourse is in the way.
“When exactly?” she bombards on.
“I’ll surprise you,” I say.
“You’ve gotta tell me now so I can count the hours or days!”
Something that I would assault Jazzelle with. As time was really important to me. Especially the time duration of being apart.
“Darling, just – get on with your days, and I’ll turn up. Okay? I promise.”
“You didn’t keep your promise today, though. It made me really sad.”
“I’m really sorry. I just had to finish my stuff here, so I could – see you – pretty soon.”
“Just some Toronto stuff, that’s all. Are you still mad at me?” Silence. “Darling, I’m asking you, are you still mad at me?” Whimpering. Moaning. Out of fears. I know. Oh, Astrid. Trust me. I know this feeling, and it’s more terrifying than anything else. “Darling -” I have to pull her out of the fears. “- when I first met you, I thought of you as the fairy-like phenomenon. I already knew that we would protect each other’s hearts for the rest of our lives. No matter what – So here are the special reasons as to why you shouldn’t worry – I will always be your big angel, I will never go away regardless of the distance right now, I’m always thinking of you, I’m feeling your heart, and I will never do something to hurt you -” Something that Jazzelle would assure me of. “Do you feel their truths?”
“It’s just that -” she cries on.
“It’s freaking you out when I’m not responding as much as I used to ‘cause it’s new to your consciousness, and you feel like something terrible is about to happen, and then I’m gone. That kind of feeling?”
“Well, it would only happen once you had a change of heart. Not me. You shouldn’t worry about me. Do you understand?”
“My heart would never change, big angel!” she blasts out. “I had my instant knowing, and it would never change! Now you may say ‘cause I’m still too young, and a lot of things could happen along the way, and I’d meet someone my age! I would rather die than believe that! My instant knowing was grand and beautiful! And I’m keeping it no matter what you say! And it will always keep me around you! Only around you! I know! I know! I already know!”
“Darling, calm down, please,” I say. “Please calm down.”
“But you shouldn’t doubt it anymore!”
“I’m not doubting it! I was only – Okay – Just wait until I get there, and we’ll talk more about this. Would that be all right?”
“No! I wanna talk about it now!”
This frightening familiarity. This complete honesty. Oh, Jazzelle! How could your patience, kindness, and love still shine through?
“Darling! I love you, okay? I do! So please – calm down – Just let me sort some things through here first, and then I’ll come home – for you – to you – Trust me. I will – And I’m sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I fell asleep. I was just exhausted. Please understand.”
“How come I feel like you’re hiding something from me?”
“It’s only because it is meant to surprise you. That’s the whole point of it. You feel better now?”
“Is it really a surprise for me?”
“It is. Do you trust me?”
“Yes, I do!” she giggles.
“And how humongous is this trust?” I retort.
“As humongous as the sun, the moon, the heavens, and the beauty of Nova Scotia!”
“Good! So how was your first day at work?”
“It was fun! I just thought of spending a lovely lifetime with you, and that carried me all the way through! I learned so fast! Though I struggled through the first three hours, but the manager said I was learning so fast! So it was kind of a confidence booster for me, too, and it helped a whole lot!”
“I’m so proud of you already.”
Something that my heart consciousness had never known. The love bliss drowned me that I forgot its beautiful meaning. Keeping it as an inspiration to do the greatest things in life.
“Big angel,” she says, “I’m sorry if I acted irrationally. I just got scared.”
Something that I wouldn’t acknowledge myself. For my shallow reasoning would always win. Now it appals me as to how Jazzelle endured all this. Behind my back.
“It’s done, darling,” I reply. “It’s all right.”
“You really forgive me?”
“I was bad, though. Like – really bad. Horribly bad.”
“Darling, forget about it now. It’s okay. I understand.”
“Thank you, big angel -”
Oh god, Astrid. Please stop. Just stop. Just —
“Oh, since you said you were gonna surprise me,” she says, “you can only read my essay once you say – yes – to our lovely lifetime together. And you’re supposed to seal the promise with a kiss.”
“Darling!” I laugh. “I can’t kiss you yet! You’ll have to wait for it to happen! And two years won’t be that long enough, really!”
“But they do it all the time. On TV, in the movies, all over social media. And some are even younger than me. I’m not saying it’s their way of brainwashing, but it’s not brainwashing at all. It’s their own special truth. Fiction or not, it still reflects some people’s special truths. And this is our own special truth. So it’s only right for us to kiss. To seal our lovely lifetime promise. Even just for that. Then I’m already truly happy. And I’ll just let two years fly away as I wait for more.”
“Wait for more!” I giggle.
“You know what I mean. But – we’d only do that once you’re ready. Even after I’ve already turned 18 and all. I’d respect it for sure.”
With Jazzelle. It happened on the night of my 18th birthday. After the romantic dinner at a cozy restaurant by the waterfront. I went mad and wild for it. It was when I understood the power of intimacy. How much it turned love bliss into an addiction.
“Darling -” I have to swirl away from the topic. “- are you home yet?”
“Yeah,” she says. “I’m up in my room. Mom’s making supper. She didn’t want my help ‘cause she said I must have gotten tired from work. She says the first day is always the most draining day. But that’s not what I feel at all. I feel – accomplished in a way. That’s what I feel. Accomplished – Fruit cake is off tomorrow. So he’s picking me up from work, and then we’re going for iced coffee by the waterfront. Minus Leila. I haven’t told him yet – you know – about how much we love each other – like this – ‘cause -”
“I’ll tell him. In time.”
“I think he’d be happy, though.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Because he kept on telling me – ‘I wish you were a little older so you could woo big angel, make her fall in love with you, then she’d stay’ – ‘I wish you were big angel’s dream girl instead because you’re funny and irritating and lovable’ – ‘I wish -’
“Irritating?” I laugh. “Oh god!”
“Yes, he really said that. He also said – ‘I wish you loved big angel more than just a crush.’ – But then yeah. I’m irritating. Regardless.”
“And what did you tell him?”
“I just told him – ‘Fruit cake, I wish for all your wishes to come true!’ – And then he hugged me. And he dropped his ice cream. So we had to buy another scoop.”
“That’s really cute!”
“So – will you give me the kiss?”
“Once all is well, then you’ll have the kiss for sure.”
“Okay. I have to learn how to be patient now, too.”
“It comes with trust.”
“Yes. It does.”
“And how humongous is this trust?”
“As humongous as the sun, the moon, the heavens, and the beauty of Nova Scotia!”
“You’re probably still exhausted. You should grab something to eat first before you head back to bed.”
Astrid, how could love transform you into the most beautiful thing?
“I will, darling. Love you.”
“I love you very very much, big angel. Mwah mwah mwah! Kisses kisses kisses!”
It was. The pause.
The Master Missions. Day Thirty-Eight.
The instant knowing epiphany has become my new waking nightmare.
I don’t trust it. I don’t believe in it. What I trust and believe in is
this faithful love that I have for Lucy. And anything that threatens
it is evil, and must be shunned! Right about now
Lucy is in the bedroom, packing up our suitcase for the trip, as my restless bones keep fussing around in the kitchen.
I can’t wait any longer. I have to strut up with my heart’s principles. My own heart’s principles. Not hers. Not the metaphysical glory’s. Especially not the conventional human’s truth about love and destiny.
I vault in. “You have to hear me out!”
She delivers me with a ‘knowing’ look. “Ash -”
“Just hear me out for a minute here!” I raise my voice. “I deserve to be heard, too!”
She rises and steps closer. “Okay. Let’s hear it.”
“This instant knowing epiphany thing is bullshit!” I cry out, panicking. “I don’t trust it! And I don’t believe in it! If you’re scared to go through days or weeks or months or years being with me, anticipating for that evil speech immortalizing out of my mouth, that just means that you don’t trust and believe what I feel for you – NOW! And you know what’s in it? It’s lasting, and it’s perfect, and it’s not just your dream, it’s my dream, too! And it will stay for as long as I live! We’re talking about how much I love you – NOW – Now, Lucy! This! Now! And that’s what it is! It’s lasting, it’s perfect, and it’s our dream! The dream that we can only control or even manipulate to make it all come true! The dream that’s only for you and me! That’s meant for you and me! I am not the same person anymore! I don’t have the same heart anymore! I don’t live in the same world anymore! And you know that! This is me – now! This is my heart – now! This is my world – now! Being with you! Making things right! Making our dreams come true! Now I’m scared to go through days or weeks or months, and especially years being with you because you’ve shoved this instant knowing epiphany bullshit into my head that has become my waking nightmare! That is making me feel very unhappy! That is threatening our dream! Why the hell can’t we just make it so simple? Just forget about the instant knowing epiphany bullshit, and just focus on what’s beautiful, what makes us happy, what keeps us together, what drives us to grow our love for each other everyday, and the steps that we have to take to make our dreams come true! Why the hell do we have to stir around any bullshit that makes us feel bad every second? What is it for? To test our destiny? If we’re truly meant for each other? Well, let me tell you how we can achieve it! This! Now! Right now! All this lasting feeling that I have for you, that I know for sure will stay, that is only meant for you – our dream – must start – from here on – now! And that is how we get there. That is the instant knowing. What the heart feels and knows, and how it has magically transformed itself into something – this beautiful – now. That is my instant knowing, Lucy. Being with you here. Right now. Is already my instant knowing. I don’t need another one anymore. I don’t need it. I’m sorry. You can dwell on yours. You may keep your instant knowing epiphany principle. It’s yours. And mine – is right here. Already. And I am not nor will I ever walk away from it. I’m staying. And I will always stay. With you. My instant knowing epiphany – You. Right now. And I will never have another one anymore. No. Never. This is it for me. And I’m keeping it for the rest of my life. My heart has already created its dream. Just one dream. And that’s you. There is no other dream for me out there. No other Lucy. No other instant knowing epiphany. No other love destiny. No other – everything else that my heart must recognize. Because it only recognizes you. And it’s already lasting, and perfect, and beautiful enough – for me.”
She reflects on my heart-blooded words for a moment, then – “Are you forcing me to come to – a conclusion – now?”
The frustrating flame heats me up more. “I’m not forcing you to do anything. I just wanted you to hear everything that had been brewing inside my heart.”
She honors me with a fervent kiss. “Babe, that was – very sexy.”
“But you’ll have to visit Jazzelle’s grave first. Before we kick off with – a conclusion.”
“A – conclusion? Not – the – conclusion?”
“Not only for closure. But it would also help you realize a lot of things about yourself. Your past, your present, and – the future. Whether – my dream would turn out to be your dream as well – or not.”
“Lucy, you’re complicating things. I’ve already said it.”
“I know, and I’ve heard it. I’ve accepted every word – immortalizing out of your mouth. That speech. It was beautiful. And it was something that my heart had always dreamed to hear from you. But – you have to trust me on this one. It could be the – other instant knowing epiphany – for you – C’mon. Don’t be scared of it, babe. Because no matter what, I’ll always be here. I’ll always stay. I just want you to do this for yourself. For your heart. To find its peace. And possibly – an instant knowing epiphany. That’s only for you to keep.”
“I’m doing it, Lucy,” I say. “It’s one of the reasons why we’re flying to Halifax. God, you’re complicated.”
“I’m complicated?” she laughs. “You’ve gotta take that back! Take that back right now!”
I wrap my arms around her. “I love you. Will always do.”
And she bites my lip. “I love you. Will always do.”
Since my heart has already found its peace with Lucy, I dare to phone my sister after dinner.
And she’s not picking up. “I’m getting impatient now,” I whine. “Do you know what she’s up to?”
“She’s probably washing up to get ready for bed and talk to big angel,” Lucy replies, cleaning up the table. “Just have a talk with her once we get there.”
“What was her last text about?” I ask.
“She feels accomplished after her first day at work,” she says.
“I’m not asking anymore.”
“Jell-o go, are you?”
“You miss her all of a sudden, huh?”
“I don’t want her to grow up. I didn’t want her to grow up.”
“She feels so grown up now. Falling in love. Inspiring her to do the greatest things in the world. Being patient for a lovely lifetime with that special someone – And she didn’t just tell me this. She’s already doing it. Her first step. Determination. Pride. Love. All its grandeur – Gosh, Ash, your sister is a beautiful wonder. Such a beautiful wonder that we should have been when we were her age – When I was 16, all I ever wanted was to have the new cellphone trend out there. And all I had to do was bug my dad about it. Everyday. Until he got fed up and dragged me out of bed one Saturday morning, my only day to sleep in, and we drove around, hopping from one mobile shop to another just to find the best deal, until about 5 or so hours later, I had finally owned one myself – And you know what happened soon after that?”
“Babe, that sounds like a philosophical threat again – Okay. What?”
“I wish I had my Saturday sleep-in instead.”
“You’ve gotta be kidding me!” I laugh.
“Though I’d wake up to reality not having that phone, and I’d probably still bug him about it. But at least, I had accomplished my Saturday sleep-in. My only day to sleep in. And I’d still be myself. Regardless. Because having that phone changed me. I started to believe that all my wishes would simply come true. No matter how impossible they might be. Like no matter what – they would be granted to me sooner in time. Then later in life, I realized that Saturday sleep-ins meant – a gift for myself. It’s that one day in a week when I give myself importance. Regardless of how many wishes I have stored in my heart. After all, they’re just wishes. How I think, act, and believe – that’s how they are realized. But the Saturday sleep-in realizes on its own. Being kinder to myself. That I am important, and I deserve this one day in seven days to just rest from all the wishes and find peace.”
“That’s beautiful,” I say dreamily. “I’d like to have a Saturday sleep-in, too. With you.”
“Ash, don’t give me the dreamy feeling now. You’re tempting me.”
“I thought we were not supposed to do it until the conclusion invasion.”
“No, we’re not. So get out of my face before we grab each other here.”
“Grrr!!!” I tease her.
“Get out of my face!” she giggles.
My sister intrudes. “Darling!” I yelp over the phone. “Hey, I missed you!”
“I’m getting a little confused now,” she says. “‘Cause big angel also calls me darling, so -”
“Well, tell her to come up with a different pet name for you then,” I say.
“I can’t,” she says. “I’m already used to it. Maybe you should come up with a different pet name for me instead. Since -”
“Since I haven’t been around, and I haven’t been keeping my promises. Got yah – I’m sorry. I just got caught up with – things – Important things, you know? But – it’s okay now. So how’s – work?”
“Work is great. And I have an awesome manager who knows stuff about human magic.”
“Human magic! Now that’s something new! And what’s this human magic about? What does it do?”
“Human magic is a profoundly beautiful feeling that is only felt without judgment upon meeting a stranger.”
“EXCUSE ME?!” I am blown away. “Why do you talk like this?” I turn to Lucy. “Babe, what did you do to my sister?”
“What?” Lucy replies, confused.
“You better keep her away from all these ancient Philosophers, or I’m going insane!” Back on the phone. “Sorry, little sophist. I was just ticking off your teacher here.”
“Ashie!” my sister laughs. “Didn’t you just come up with a new pet name for me? Little sophist?”
“I guess I did, huh?” I reply.
“I love it!” she cheers. “Oh, I can’t wait to tell fruit cake and big angel about this! I’m little sophist! It’s so cool! Love it love it love it!”
“Oh my god, my little sophist.” My guilty heart is about to splatter out tears. “I so missed you.”
“I missed you, too!” she says. “So so so much!”
“I can’t wait to see you.”
“Can’t wait to see you either – Ashie, I’m teaching myself how to keep happiness. So I can keep myself happy. So I can also keep big angel happy. And at the same time, I’m also looking for deep understanding of all the good reasons as to why people leave the ones they love. Or why they leave each other no matter how much love there is to hold on to. Why you left me. Things like that.”
I pause to weep. “Oh god, my little sophist. Do you know that – I’m breaking my heart more for breaking yours? But I’ll make you understand some things about it that I have only known.”
“Okay,” she says. “Well, I’m calling big angel now. You and Lucy have a great night. Love you.”
“Love you, too!”
Swoosh! It’s about time to get to know my sister more!
And it’s an absolute done deal!