Monday 22 July 2019
There is one effervescent motion
in life that I have never
In the past.
Wherever you may be.
I hope you value
in laughter.– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
Megan’s obsession for the customer who has stolen her ‘straight heart’ away has been the subject of our repartee all morning.
“I bet she’s already mega attached to a rich, muscled up, hunk-faced guy who drives the most expensive and most luxurious car ever invented by the Germans,” she says. “Ugh. I might as well just die thinking about all these whacked things deteriorating all my hopes.”
“You’re really hoping for her?” I giggle.
“It’s not just hope, Rain. It’s plain obsession. Like – I’d die out of obesity. I don’t know why she got me with a wreath crowned on my head. But she got me. Now I don’t know how to slap myself out of it. So there. Consider me dead already.”
“Megan! It’s just a crush! I’m telling you, it’ll pass. Then you’re back to your dream man again. Just let it go.”
“Hello, sunshine! I’m not a giddy-yup 12-year-old, okay? This is a desperate 40-year-old heart who’s now going through a funeral service. Can’t you even feel the distress? Look it. I don’t even know how to count anymore. How did those Meditarranean pinwheel snacks become 39 in the inventory list? Like, how? Really. Tell me. I don’t know why I’m into her. But I’m really madly into her. So bear with my sweats here.”
“And what would you do exactly once she’d come back? Would you ask her out or something?”
“The weird part is she’s kind of like you. Same vibe. Same – I don’t know. You know that feeling when you literally forget that it’s fall, and then you feel the wind smacking around your bare face, then you realize – ‘oh my god! It’s already fall? Boy, how time flies so fast!’ – well, it’s that kind of feeling. You recognize it right away. And that’s what I felt from her. But whatever. She’s not you, and you’re not her. But anyway, it’s still the same vibe. If you know what I mean.”
It sounds familiar.
“And I haven’t been sleeping good as a result of it,” she continues. “The chick literally crowned a wreath on my head! I so hate her!”
“What would it take for you to forget her?” I ask.
“Mmm – I don’t know. What would you suggest? Should I hire an escort just to remind myself of what it feels like being with a man?”
“How about dinner at my place? I’ll cook something for you.”
“My hottie lesbian friend is inviting me over to her place for the first time, and she’s cooking for me?” she hollers. “Hell, yeah!! I’m taking it!!”
The Master Missions. Day Twenty-Nine.
Seeing my family. Being with my sister.
Love and happiness.
And she is mine
Lucy’s senses are blown into a complete marvel as she checks out my sparkling clean minimalist’s hive.
“Oh my god, Ash,” she utters, turning to me. “It’s gorgeous!”
I pull her into me and give her a passionate kiss. “Wanna move in?”
“What?” she giggles.
“Aw, c’mon, jell-o go,” I tease her. “I know you badly want to. You’ve always wanted to.”
“Ash – please -”
“What’s the matter?”
“It’s too soon. I mean, we just -”
“What are you talking about? It’s been long overdue!”
“But that was -”
“I’m not letting you go again! No! You may object to it right now, but I’m gonna keep on bugging you everyday until you see another woman flirting with me right in front of you! How’s that?”
“C’mon!” she laughs.
I caress her delicate face. “I better learn how to cook now.”
“I’m definitely taking care of the kitchen department here, woman!”
“So is that a yes?”
She looks into my eyes. “Please wait. Just for a bit. We’ll see how it goes first. Please?”
“You’re still doubting me, aren’t you?” I reply.
“Ash, no. I’m not doubting your heart right now. I’m just scared of what would happen next. I hope you understand.”
“Lucy! My heart can already see its future with you! Only with you! Can’t you see the major overhaul that I’ve just done to make my life right? Look, I understand it all now, alright? I understand everything! Why did this magic happen? It happened because of you! Because your heart deserved it more! Your heart deserves even way more than this! More than I can ever give! And I wanna give it all to you! Everything in my heart! All the love and happiness that I can ever find! All of them!”
She kisses me on the lips. “I’m happy to hear that. And not only do I see it, I feel it, too – Well, I can stay here for a while, if that’s what you want. Then we’ll see how it goes. Would that be okay?”
I sigh. But I have to respect her decision. Regardless of how much my heart longs for stability now. To secure my lifetime with her.
Love and happiness. Lucy.
“Okay,” I mumble, kissing her in the neck.
“All right, woman,” she moans. “Don’t start the fire yet. I just got out of the hospital.”
I press my body against hers. “I miss you more than I miss melted marshmallows.”
“Which melted marshmallows?” she laughs. “Bonfire or sliming out of a pan?”
“Bonfire,” I reply.
“They have that smokey taste, though!”
“I don’t care! Bonfire just sounds sexy to me!”
“Bonfire in the woods or at a campsite?”
“Is there supposed to be a difference?”
“Why am I asking you this? You’re not a camping person, for crying out loud.”
“I’m from the Atlantic. The question is still fitting enough for me.”
“You’re Ash! I should have known! God!”
“You don’t make sense anymore, babe!”
“You don’t either.”
And we laugh. And kiss. And –
For the first time, I am giving her what she has never asked for. And it is sweet and gratifying – and –
Just oh so beautiful! And I am craving for more!
It’s an absolute done deal!
Tuesday 23 July 2019
There is another one effervescent motion
in life that I have never
In the past.
Caring for a stranger’s heart
who doesn’t feel like a stranger
in my spirit at all.
Wherever you may be.
I hope that your heart
continues to create magic.
Even for a stranger
who your spirit loves.
to ask.– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
Megan slurps down a bowl of cream of mushroom soup without even throwing a word at me in between.
I watch her in amusement, yet with a zip of worry. She is clearly on the verge of depression. I have to pluck her out of it in however desperate measure I can find. Make her happy. Keep her company. Be her light.
As my mind wanders into saving a friend, Astrid birrs into my phone. “Hey, darling,” I flap through the mouthpiece. “What’s going on?”
“Big angel!” she snivels into my eardrum. “You’ve gotta help me!”
“Are you crying?” I judge by the cracks in her voice. “What’s wrong?”
“My sister has just called me!” she cries. “And she said she already found her other wing! NO!!! It’s not right! It’s not right at all! It doesn’t feel right to me and Rye! She’s making a huge mistake! Because you are the other wing! You’re the one who’s meant to be with her! We’re sure of it! We know this! We feel it! We do we do!!! You’ve got to do something about it! You’ve gotta meet her up already! I’m gonna keep on convincing her, too! We’re under protest! She can’t do this! It’s a huge mistake! HUGE!!!”
“Darling, calm down. Please. Just calm down. Your sister would never break the news to you if her heart wasn’t sure of it. Maybe she did really find her other wing. And it’s the one with a beautiful heart. Maybe all you need to do is get to know this person, then your heart would tell you the truth. But no matter what, by the end of the day, only your sister’s heart can make the decision. You understand?”
“NO!!! Because I feel like – Rye and I feel like – you really are the other wing!!! No other!!! Please!!! If you could just meet up -”
“Darling, what did I tell you about this? And what did your sister say? If we were meant to meet, it would happen by itself. It’s called fate. If it’s fated to happen, you and apricot wouldn’t even have to go ballistic over it anymore. Because it’s supposed to be something that only love magic can do. Not what you can do. And if it would happen, I promise you, it would feel like – a dream come true.”
“But – isn’t there supposed to be some kind of human intervention to make it happen already?”
“No. That’s not how it works.”
Megan signals her way to serve herself another shot of soup. I nod ‘yes’, smiling.
“I’m flying to Toronto!” Astrid threatens me.
I almost jump out of my seat. “Darling, don’t do that. Don’t you ever do that.”
“I’ll find a way to come see you and my sister!” she cries, then hangs up.
“Oh my god!” I panic.
“What’s the matter?” Megan settles herself back at the table with a full bowl.
“Long story.” I dial Astrid’s number, and she picks it up right away. “Darling, please, hear me out -”
“No, big angel!” she cries on. “I have to do this for both of you! I feel like it’s a mission that I’ve gotta do! And I feel it very strongly in my heart that you two belong in each other’s lives! I feel it, and it’s warm and happy, and all that! But you’re making me feel very sad because you don’t want it to happen! Why?”
“It’s not that I don’t want it to happen,” I reply in a comforting voice. “I’ve already told you the reasons as to why it can’t happen this way. But I’ll tell you what? Why don’t you give me and your sister a bit of time to let the magic work between us? Give us a few months or – Perhaps, once something special triggers in me one day, pushing me away to meet up with her, then I’d let you know. Would that make you feel better?”
“I’m not gonna last that long,” she protests. “No!”
“How about before summer is over? If nothing would still happen by then, I’d buy you your plane ticket to get here. How does that sound?”
“I can’t wait anymore!”
“Have we got a deal yet?”
“No! I’ll find a way to get there as fast as I can!”
“Darling,” I say, fighting back my frustration, as my heart knows the annointed truth behind her overwrought impulsion, “do you have any idea how much I also wanted to be a part of your life since the very first moment I saw you?”
“Really?” she calms down, lighting up. “You felt the same way, too?”
“Yes, I did. Very strongly. Just like what you feel about me as your sister’s other wing. But wasn’t our meeting beautiful that way? Me, walking in by chance. Though apricot must have already told you I had been back. Right?”
“Yes. He told me. And I bugged him about meeting you right away.”
“But when I walked in as a surprise, wasn’t it more warm, fun, comfortable, and lovely for all of us? We created one of our most wonderful days, didn’t we?”
“Yes, we did.”
“And that’s what I want you to keep in mind when your sister and I would happen to stumble into each other along the way one of these days.”
“Does your heart feel better now?” I ask.
“Yes, it does,” she sniffles. “Can I tell you something?”
“Of course. You know you can tell me anything.”
“I love you already, big angel. I have already been loving you this much since Rye told me about you for the first time.”
I pause to drip blissful tears. “I love you already, too, darling.”
“Wow,” Megan butts in, awed. “Just – wow!”
The Master Missions. Day Thirty.
I have hurt her
countless times before.
And I may not heal her pain.
I’m with her because
my heart has finally found
not only love and happiness.
It has also found one of my mysteries.
My beautiful truth.
This is another euphoria of being in love.
Just basking in bed all day long. Staying up late at night. Snuggling in bed. Making out. Making love. Afraid of nothing. Worrying about nothing. Thinking of nothing else. Listening to each other’s heartbeats and moans. Looking into each other’s eyes. Reading each other’s minds. Laughing over silly quirks. Munching on snacks. Sharing a cup of coffee. No diversions. Flying into the future. Planning surprises. Imagining the outcome. Imagining the daily routines. Imagining getting old.
With the one.
There is only one for me in this lifetime. The kindest and purest heart I disrespected since the first day we met. The kindest and purest love that I never understood. My kindest and purest.
My sister was left dumbfounded when I shared with her my found other wing. I could even feel her heartbreak. It’s a betrayal to her strong intuition after all. That I belong in someone else’s life. But I also know that once she gets to know Lucy, it would change her mind.
I have to level it up.
I bite Lucy’s lip. “You and my sister need to talk.”
“Right now?” she dreads. “It’s almost midnight in Halifax.”
“She sleeps late. She reads a lot. Mostly the classics.”
“She’s got your bent, huh?”
“More like yours, really.” I grab my phone. “Ready?”
“Oh, sure,” she replies.
And my sister answers the call in one snappy ring. “Who are you reading this time?” I ask. “Still hung up on Maupassant?”
“Yeah,” she says, sounding dull.
“There’s someone very special I want you to meet.” My dauntless tone shimmers her to a caustic sigh. “Darling, I’m keeping my promise. And you’re gonna love her to death. Here she is.” I pass the phone to Lucy.
“Hello, Astrid,” Lucy utters, smiling. She waits for a response, then glances at me. “How’s Maupassant?” She squints at me, clutched. Waiting. Listening. Patiently and kindly. “It’s just the protagonist’s tormented thoughts,” she says. “It’s not reality. It appears to be real, but it’s not really happening – Have you come across Balzac yet? He’s also a great realist. He wrote tons of novels and short stories. I find his characters transparent and truthful, actually. Like you can squish them and spank them around, and then -” She pauses. Listening. Smiling. “No, love!” she laughs. “It’s human heart! That’s what it is! That’s why they act the way that they do! Good or evil, doesn’t matter! It’s about being real human!”
“What on earth are you guys talking about?” I chime in.
Lucy puts her on speaker. “- Ashie hates realism!” my sister blurts out.
“Excuse me?” I boycott her statement.
“Lucy!” my sister yelps. “Am I on speaker now?”
“Yes, you are!” Lucy giggles. “Sorry, love.”
“I don’t want her to listen to our conversation,” my sister announces.
“Excuse me?” I am in shock.
“Okay.” Lucy shuts off the speaker mode and presses the device against her ear. “Now where were we?” she says over the phone, fully immersed.
“I’m grabbing us drinks,” I say. “Want coffee, tea or wine?” She ignores me as she listens to my sister’s verbalized manifesto. “Babe – coffee, tea or wine?”
“Yeah, that’d be the best literary genre to look into,” she says, responding to my sister’s rave. “I teach English at a private high school – Yeah, I speak French. From Montreal originally -”
I disturb her with a kiss. “Babe, coffee, tea or wine?”
She still ignores me. “Oh, I’d love to meet you one day, of course!” she rouses. “You haven’t seen Toronto yet, huh? – Would you like to come for a visit anytime soon, though? -”
“What?” I taunt in.
“Maybe we can arrange that,” she says on the phone.
“Arrange what?” I butt in.
“Oh, okay,” she continues. “Well, once I feel better then. Yeah, I’ll come see you.”
“WHAT?!” I yelp. “What the hell’s going on here now?”
“I’m 30!” she giggles. “Your sister’s the old one here!”
“Excuse me?” I slam through.
She kisses me on the shoulder. “I’m sorry, babe. I should have said – older. As a polite sortie.” And she winks at me, smiling.
“Just 36,” I say. “Gee. My bones are still perfectly aligned here.”
She laughs, resting her head on my chest, looking up. “She says she heard them crack when she sat on your lap.”
“She’s not 5 anymore!” I reply. “She’s 16, and I’d kill her if she’s still having ‘the usual’!”
She listens on, then laughs some more. “She’s into burritos now. All veggies. Less mayo. A little bit of cheddar.”
“Sounds like your burrito,” I sneer.
A musing smile is carved in her naturally affectionate mystique. “No problem. I’ll – uh – I’ll give it to you.”
“What are you giving her?” I ask.
“Yeah, you can text me and call me anytime you like,” she soothes in, promising my sister.
“This is already way too much.” I roll my eyes, though exulting with pride and relief. “Want coffee, tea or wine? You’ve gotta give me an answer here already.”
“I’ll grab your number from your sister,” she says, “then I’ll send you a text – Oh, okay. Got a pen and paper handy?”
I smile at myself as I listen to Lucy enumerating her phone number to my sister. Then – “Babe, you better keep up with that,” I warn her, giggling. “She throws major tantrums.”
“I think I can handle her just fine,” she replies.
Swoosh! I am surrounded with the kindest and purest hearts!
A beautiful truth that was once a mystery in my life.
Let’s keep it up!
And it’s an absolute done deal!
Wednesday 24 July 2019
There is yet another effervescent motion
in life that I have never
In the past.
And comforting a lone heart.
Wherever you may be.
I hope that your heart
has found its comfort
being with someone.
Who deserves to be in it.– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
I dragged Megan home with me for a sleepover after she vowed to ravage junk food and – well, half of her fridge contents.
Old jazz music plays in the background as we invade the couch over nuts and some red wine. I have to whirl her mind from her obsession. Somehow.
“So which body part in a man that you look at first?” I ask.
“I see what you’re doing here,” she suspects. “I get it. Uh-huh, you’re up to something – straight whammy reminder, aren’t you? Not gonna work. I know you think it’s impossible for me to switch. But I’m still obsessed with the chick. So there. I’ve said it. And there’s nothing that you can do about it. But anyway, you can try and try. But I’m telling you now. Not gonna work. Uh-uh.”
“Megan, I’m not saying it’s impossible. I’m just asking you a question.”
“And I can’t answer it because I can’t focus. My biological gay warfare is consuming me, and I’m having a hard time casting it off. I’m telling you, this is not just some ‘gay holiday’. This is like – you know – a permanent home. And it’s not just a tropical hut. It’s concrete. Like a building constructed by the smartest engineers and architects. But I mean, you know, that’s just what I’m feeling right now. But anyway, it’s what my heart feels. So there’s nothing that I can do to stop it. So there. No straight whammy reminder for me. Yet! But – whatever. It’s there, anyway. So I’ve just gotta deal with it. And all you gotta do is be a friend about it. Why, you don’t want me to have it as a permanent home or what?”
“Megan, I can’t teach your heart who to love!”
“Ditto – But anyway -” She dwindles into her imagination. “She is such – such – Oh, I palpitate horribly everytime I think of her! I’m telling you, I’d die of obesity. Because I know I can never be with someone like her. And she wouldn’t want to be with someone like me, especially! I mean, I’m awkward, with a bizillion of body insecurities – You should see what my thighs look like, by the way – But anyway, you get my point, right? I mean, she’s just like you, a stunner, you know? That’s like -”
“Megan, it’s not about the looks. It’s the feeling that you get from each other’s chemistry. Besides, you’re only awkward and insecure if that’s what you feel about yourself. But if you change that thinking and you take good care of yourself, like eating your fruits and veggies, making yourself glow at all times, you can be a total magnet. Beauty is not about the symmetrical aspects of your body. The shapes. Your thighs, your nose, your eyes, your lips, your weight – It’s about falling in love with your body everyday by taking great care of it, being mindful of what you eat, and making it feel beautiful. Because it’s beautiful. And it deserves to know that. It deserves to be reminded of its beauty as much as you can.”
“God! I love you!”
“You’re crazy!” I laugh.
“Why do words sound so beautiful when you say them?” she replies. “Just like the victim of my apparent gay obsession. She made every word sound like a church choir. Anyway, don’t open your mouth anymore. Or I’d find myself searching for a Shaman somewhere in Africa or in South America or in Asia or – Have you ever been to Yukon? Maybe I’d find the best one there instead. People there are more enchanting from what I’ve heard – But anyway – ohh – that woman – she’s just so enchanting that – Have you ever had that feeling when you see someone for the first time, and then your stomach turns into a universe of orgasms?”
“Oh my god, Megan!” I roll away, tittering.
“I mean, seriously!” she continues. “That’s exactly what I felt when I first saw her! I thought all the planets came crashing down, pulverizing me, literally. And I even forgot what Jared looked like when I was talking to her the entire time. Like my straight cells completely trashed their way out, and there I was – gay!”
“You can’t mean that! There’s no way!”
“Oh, I mean it, Rain! I mean it like a meteoric gay orgasm busting out!”
“Megan!” I laugh. “Stop it! That’s too much information already!”
“It’s not an information,” she says. “It’s how the universe tricks you with an amount of desperation colliding against your dreams!”
It reminds me of you. My dream girl. Minus the desperation. Because I know. Oh, I already know. It will happen one day.
One of these surprising days.
“But anyway,” she shivers on, “that’s all I can do for now. Dream. If she comes back, I strictly want you to hide away. Because I don’t want her to see you. And I don’t want you to see her either. And no camera peeking! I just thought you needed to hear these rules early on. Just in case. Because you know – I just have this awful feeling in my gut that you’d fall in love with each other right away. So there. Now you know.”
“Why would you think that?”
“I didn’t think of it. I just know. My gut knows. And it’s awful. It’s making me sick already.”
“You’re scaring me.”
“You’re scaring me. Anyway, I’m taking your advice. The beauty advice. I’m gonna be beautiful tomorrow. Like a hotshot. A magnet – I already feel beautiful – now that I’m thinking of it.”
“Why you gotta be a hottie, anyway? I so hate you!”
The Master Missions. Day Thirty One.
Knowing that she
will always be mine
puts a comforting smile
in my heart.
If it were a dream
I’d rather stay in it
than wake up to reality.
The insecure reality.
For the intensity of
falling in love
I never knew
how fast it had sent me
to a place I feared to be in.
Losing her anytime.
“What are you making?” Lucy giggles, walking in on me as I am cleaning up the messy kitchen counter after the veggie smoothie laborious duty.
“Veggie smoothie!” I reply.
“It sounded like you were wrestling with the blender to death!” she laughs.
“You’re making fun of me?” I grasp her with a ditzy kiss. “Stop making fun of me! Or I’m going down!”
“You’re horrible in the kitchen, babe!” She throttles me with a smack on the lips. “It’s nerve racking. I’m afraid you’d blow the entire building up.”
“I’m learning,” I say. “And it’s only a smoothie, for god’s sake. Where’s the blowing part there?”
“The walls are now covered with greens. C’mon, let me clean it up.”
“Baby, you’re not doing anything. You go back to bed and just – chill. You’re not spoiling me here again, no. I won’t let you to. Absolutely not.”
“I’m not spoiling you. I wasn’t spoiling you. I just like doing it. There’s a huge difference.”
“Nah. That’s very poor logic. You’re spoiling me. And it’s still up in your head. Like a villainous impulse. Things are different now. So please – respect that.”
“Hmm. You’re being sexier!”
“Wife sexier? Or just – sexier – sexier – just because -”
“I’d say – you’ve just hit syllogism.”
“So then – when are you moving in?”
“C’mon, woman. We’ve just talked about it. We’re good this way for now. Don’t rush.”
“Will you promise me something?”
“You better make sure what you’re asking for is realistic and practical enough for both of us.”
“I haven’t even said anything yet.”
“Because you’re in panic,” she reasons. “It’s like you’re scared of the future. What’s gonna happen tomorrow or the day after that – Whether or not this would work after a week or two – What are you afraid of? Me, leaving you?”
I twitch away. And Swoosh is ready to pour with crucial heartaches. “Yeah.”
“Don’t insult me, Ash. Don’t insult me.”
“I’m sorry, all right? I just can’t help it! And you have no idea how much I regret everything that I’ve done to you! No idea!”
“So you’re scared that I’d do the same thing. To you? Please. I don’t like this. You know I don’t like talking about things that only mean to hurt.”
“My god, Lucy. How could your heart ever be so kind and pure like that?”
She wipes off my tears. “Stop crying. There’s nothing to cry about. I’m here, and we’re together. What are you still afraid of?”
“I just want you here with me all the time,” I beg, and bring my lips to her bare neck.
“I’m here with you all the time. Just because my things are not here doesn’t mean otherwise.”
“I don’t like you pulling these Philosophy jabs on me!”
“I don’t like you going dramatic either!” she giggles. “That’s not a part of Ash dominion if I can recall, by the way. Sorry.”
“I’m just insanely in love with you.” I entice her with a fiery kiss.
“And how long is that gonna last?” she says, roasting my old spasmodic self.
“I can propose to you now,” I reply, “then we better get ready to give my mom her grandkids.”
“Oh my god!” she sniggles. “We’re not going there yet. I’m still on a countdown button here. Of your love expectancy and whatnot.”
“You really are doubting me big time, aren’t you?” I complain.
“I’m not doubting your love right now, Ash. Your love is right here, cushioning me. I just want us to enjoy our time together as we go along. And once it all feels right, and I’m not saying that this – this – doesn’t feel right – it does – I’m just waiting for the right timing. When all things around us point to our future being with each other. And once it happens, I might even surprise you by getting down on my knee, even in the middle of a flustered crowd. And I’m hoping for it to happen. But for now – I just want us to enjoy our time together. And I’ll let you wrestle with the blender for more veggie smoothies.”
“Okay. But -”
“No but!” she snaps. “We’re doing great, babe. It feels great.”
“Okay,” I giggle. “But -”
“But! I really do have to clean the kitchen. It’s a rule.”
“Hey. I turned this place into a sparkling clean miracle. Like an exaggerated TV commercial sparkling clean miracle. And I’m so proud of myself for doing that.”
“I know. But now – you’ve just made us veggie smoothies. So I’m hopping in with my share. I’m cleaning the kitchen.”
“Why do you have to hop in? I’ve started it. I’m finishing it.”
“Really. I’m cleaning the kitchen. You wait for me in the room.”
“You can’t spoil me again, babe! Please! I’m begging you!”
“I’m not spoiling you. I’m just hopping in with my share of duty. And it’s not an obligation. I just like doing it. Now shoo away, and let me do my thing.”
“You’re like a library of Philosophy. You’re scaring all my wits.”
“Oh, I just got Astrid into it!” she confesses.
“Into Philosophy?” I reply. “You’ve gotta be kidding me!”
“She loves it! And she’s about to read The Republic now! I’m also sending her some books to keep her busy for the rest of the summer! Maybe I should do that by the end of the week.”
“Oh my god. I can already see my future. You and her – skinning me alive with all your cerebral swags.”
“Cerebral swags!” she laughs.
I kiss her on the face. “You’re spoiling her. Already.”
“I think I can handle her just fine,” she utters.
Swoosh! My future is all set!
And it’s an absolute done deal!
Thursday 25 July 2019
There is one more effervescent motion
in life that I have never
In the past.
Transforming a sad spirit
into a happy one.
Wherever you may be.
I hope that your spirit
already feels fulfilled.
Happy and fulfilled.– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
“I’m going for a total spa treatment!” Megan blazons.
“I’ve never done it before,” she swears on. “But anyway, I think it would help with the magnet potion. I’m also gonna check out some skin clinics, see how they can turn me into a hot momma -”
“Hot momma!” I laugh.
“I’m gonna remind you again, Rain,” she says. “This is a desperate 40-year-old body that needs a lot of scrubbing and shining up. Oh, and waxing, too. I’m being redundant, but whatever. And I’m also ransacking my entire fridge and slamming more fruits and veggies in there instead – What else – Oh, wardrobe change. I’ve gotta go for a style that would suit me more. I’m gonna look young and fine – Not poppy young and fine, though. You know, poppy? Something that pop culture pitches through social media with some uncalled-for body parts hanging out? -”
“Megan!” I’m rolling in the aisles. “You’re butchering me!”
“I’m butchering you with the truth. Just this morning, you know, it’s one of those passive browsing episodes – meh meh meh – Then all of a sudden, this chick pops on – thick makeup, thick eyelashes, thick everything – that makes her look like she’s doing a commercial for a morgue -”
“Megan!” I’m about to run away, crowing.
“- then you look down below the neckline,” she continues, “and the babies are crying for justice. Like – ‘mommy! Mommy! What are you doing? I’m supposed to be a sacred thang, y’know?’ – Yeah, that kind of poppy. It’s so sad. But anyway, I’m already falling in love with my body even in the middle of this hotwire planning. So there – Also – I’ve gotta make myself believe I’m the new hot chick in town – from – from Yukon. Although I’m not from there, but it just sounds more enchanting and intriguing. I don’t know why I’ve come up with it. But I’ve come up with it, and I know that it’s gonna work this way – So anyway, which celebrity do you think I’d look like?”
“No celebrity,” I reply. “Just the magnetic Megan.”
“I can’t carry your style, Rain. You turn a simple garment into a fashion runway for some reason. A simple top – simple everything. Just like my gay obsession – Genes are unfair. So unfair. They should definitely look into the genes existence and segregate the ones that make people feel ugly about themselves – Anyway, it’s one of those human facts that science can never prove. But whatever. I’m working on the happy Megan, so there. And I’m already feeling beautiful – I’m thinking Marilyn Monroe. What do you think? Am I going too far? – Hmm. Who else? – I’m thinking of myself as -”
“The magnetic Megan!”
“You’ve said it again, and now it makes a lot more sense. The magnetic Megan. But – doesn’t it sound too – athletic, though? I mean, you know, like a ring name? ‘Cause I feel like I’m about to belly flop in a deadly match against a black belter or something. But anyway, it sounds convincing enough for the magnet potion goal. Like a stimulant. So there. I’m taking it regardless – And also, I’m gonna start creating a Saturday list now. What to do first – blah blah – You know? Stuff? The universal steps. Or whatever the hell you call it. And I don’t know why I’m already happy just by thinking of myself as the magnetic Megan. But I’m pretty happy. And that’s my mantra now. I’ve gotta tell Jared and Mark about it, too. So they’d start looking at me in that sense. It would work, right? I mean, it’s what I already feel about who I am, so it must – you know – reflect right through. Right? Whatever. I just know that it’s like a miraculous thing to do. So there. The magnetic Megan is born.”
“You’re gonna pull it through, honey. And you’re already kicking it off right. And it’s the major universal step. I’m already proud of you.”
“I’m also gonna start working out. I’m gonna sign up for a membership deal and burn – burn – burn them damned fats. Especially my thighs and the extra flaps in my stomach. I don’t understand why I’ve been taking my vegetarianism for granted. But anyway, I’m burning them all. I’m afraid I’d collapse in the middle of a workout session, though. But whatever. I’m burning. They need to go. Magnetic Megan ain’t having these unhealthy tippets. Uh-uh.”
“Tippets! Oh my goodness, Megan.”
“I hope she comes back in a few weeks or so. I mean, once I’ve already transformed and stuff. But anyway, I know it’s a lifetime process. But whatever. I just want her to waltz in here around that time period. Not tomorrow. Not next week. In a few weeks or so. So there. I’ve made my affirmation to the universe. And it’s gonna manifest. You watch.”
“Would you ask her out, though?”
“First, I’d ask for her name. Then the next time she comes back after that, I’d ask for her phone number. Then the communication would follow it through. I mean, I know that she’d only say yes just to comfort me. But anyway, I’m the magnetic Megan. I’m hoping she’d see something nice in me regardless. Then I’d ask her out on a date or something. And remember what I’ve said. You can’t see her, and no camera peeking. You’ve gotta back off from my gay experience here. I’m sorry, but I’ve just got an awful feeling about you and her meeting each other. So there. I’m just being honest here and it shouldn’t be that bad. I mean, you know, it’s a friendship slide. You’re my best woman and all, but – you know what I mean? Right?”
“Megan, you’ve absolutely got nothing to worry about.”
“But whatever. No matter what happens, I’m happy being with you, anyway.”
The Master Missions. Day Thirty-Two.
Every second, the fear
of losing her gets into my skin.
Like a sickening nightmare
that makes me want to throw up.
I should have been hopeful and happy.
But instead, it’s been the one
that I have already anticipated
The ‘K’ word.
Though it’s not happening yet.
But I already feel like
it has already been
I crawl into bed with her and run my fingers across her arm.
She is flicking away on her phone, responding to my sister’s message. I lie close to her and look at the ceiling. Struggling to dodge the fear. Struggling to breathe. Struggling to keep the faith alive.
She smiles at me and seeks for a snuggle. I hold her tightly. So tightly. Wishing to jump time to our future together. When we’re old, living a lovely and simple life. Raising the kids. Having a sweet home. Whether in Halifax or Montreal. Toronto would be just as fetching, too. But right now, Swoosh knows. Swoosh knows the truth. That this beautiful moment will soon become just a memory.
And all that I would have left. Is just the wish.
“I’m feeling your fear,” she moans. “We are not having this talk again, Ash. It only hurts. I just want to feel your warm skin right now. Would you please get rid of it already?”
“Can’t,” I reply. “Not until we’ve straightened it all out. You, moving in. Us, making it official.”
“This is already an official relationship,” she says. “The moment you introduced yourself as my partner was already the mark of our official relationship. And all through these years, it was one of the happiest things I would pray for everyday. Wanna know the rest? For you to stay. To be with me. For us to build a future together – For you to love me back.”
“Lucy!” I rush into one of my deepest heartaches. “I’m so sorry for everything that I’ve done! I’m so sorry! My thoughts, my mind, my life, everything – I was all scattered up! I couldn’t even -”
“Ssshhh -” She calms me with an urgent kiss. “The past had already found its end. I was only sharing with you my prayers – C’mon, babe. Crying isn’t an Ash dominion. Dump it. Right now.”
“Whoa,” I smirk. “Is this a wife’s command?”
“You bet yah, it is!” she giggles.
“I love you! I love you! I love you!” And I quash her with kisses all over her face.
“Oh my god! You’re notorious!”
“You’re the most beautiful woman in the world!”
“Stop doubting my heart already! Please!”
“I’m not. Right now.”
“Babe, please. I’m begging you.”
“Okay. I believe you. Right now.”
“That’s it! I’m buying a ring!”
“Yeah, you can say that again and again. All day long.”
“C’mon. Let’s go get you a ring. Right now.”
“Then it wouldn’t be romantic anymore, would it?”
“Because you’re threatening me! I can’t stand it!”
“It’s not a threat. There seems to be truth in it.”
“Why do you keep on saying that, anyway? I don’t get it!”
“Maybe we’ll find out in a few days, a week, who knows! I just know that there’s truth waiting around everywhere. That’s just what I’ve been feeling, so – I’m sorry.”
“Well, I don’t like that truth. Whatever it is, it’s evil.”
“Can we please not talk about it anymore?” she groans, feeling my necromantic necklace. Feeling its magic. She kisses it, then smiles. “I wanna meet your family.”
“I was just gonna ask you that!” I laugh.
“We’ll fly next weekend.”
“Absolutely! Don’t tell my sister! We’re swooping in as a surprise!”
“I already did.”
“I promised to give her the books myself. Some time soon. Next weekend.”
“Oh my goodness.”
“Besides, I was gonna surprise you with the plane tickets and stuff.”
“Babe, what did I say about you spoiling me?”
“I’m not spoiling you. My heart just wants me to do – things.”
“You’re spoiling me! It’s your villainous impulse! My god! Here you are again – Here’s what I want, okay? I wanna do the surprises! I wanna surprise you and spoil you and love you more! If you could just please – back off a little. Please!”
“I’ve already got them,” she mumbles.
“The tickets?” I blurt out. “So then – what am I supposed to do now given this ‘familiar scenario’? I’d just sit back, watch you do all the work, wait for you in bed, and just let you make love to me? And it wouldn’t even matter whether or not I’d reciprocate because one hundred percent of the time I’m already tired – Being the arrogant asshole, right? You’d just keep your mouth shut because you’re too understanding and kind. Then you’d disappear into the kitchen and reappear with a glass of wine for me – I’m not living in the past anymore, Lucy! Not with you! I wanna make it right this time because I’m in love with you! Not because I’m packed with remorse, though that’s already been killing me inside! But I love you so much that I’m scared – too scared to lose you, and I feel like throwing up each time it whacks through my mind! So please – just back off – back off a little and let me love you more! Please!”
“I just love you too much, and I can’t help myself, all right? So I’m sorry!”
“Oh baby – what am I gonna do with you?”
“Just shut up,” she giggles.
“Damn,” I mutter, “how could the universe be too kind to an arrogant asshole like me!”
Swoosh! Get the other rose quartz wing necklace ready!
We’re about to propose!
And it’s an absolute done deal!
Friday 26 July 2019
There is still another effervescent motion
in life that I have never
In the past.
Rekindling the child
Being so free. Heart flying.
Wherever you may be.
I hope that you make time
to rekindle the child in you.
Let your heart fly.
Fly. Fly. Fly.– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
- A video call with Astrid and my little brother –
“A huge secret that Rye can never tell you!” Astrid says.
My little brother panics. “You’ve got to be kidding me! You’ve got to be kidding me! Astrid! No! I’m telling you -”
“Okay, darling, let’s go! Spit it!” I laugh.
“He’s still a virgin!” she says.
He rolls his eyes, sitting back, blushing. “Oh my god.”
“I think it’s a super cute secret,” I say.
“No, it isn’t!” he shoots at me. “It’s embarrassing! I’m getting even here! My turn!”
“It’s big angel’s turn!” she protests. “Shut up!”
“My turn now!” he insists. “It’s gotta be my turn now! Make it my turn now!”
“My turn!” I meddle in.
“Can we roast him some more, big angel?” she asks.
“Shut up!” he hollers at her.
“You shut up!” she hollers back.
“Guys, guys!” I leap in. “My turn! Okay, here it goes – Darling, guess what my secret is that I can never tell anybody – but you and Apricot. What is it?”
“Oh, she can never figure that out,” he assumes.
“Yes, I can!” she says firmly. “We talk a lot. We text a lot. What have you been doing in your spare time? Figuring out how to be a husband – already?”
“I’m going to college!” he teases. “And you’re still in high school!”
“I’m 16, fruit cake!” she replies. “I have the right to be in high school!”
“She’ll never figure this out,” he says to me. “There’s no way.”
“Hey, shut up already, all right!” she calls on him. “Really!”
Their sweet banter amuses me. “Oh my god, you guys – Okay, darling, got an answer in mind yet?”
“Yes!” she replies.
“Yeah, right,” he jeers.
She clears her throat, mulling it over. “Um – Um -”
He mimics her. “Um – Um -”
“You’re smashed, fruit cake!” she derides. “You’re smashed! You’re done tomorrow!”
“I’m in church tomorrow!” he counters.
“I’m going with you!” she threatens him. “And I’m gonna make you ask for forgiveness! Something major! Major major!”
“Oh my god,” I laugh.
“Whatever,” he grouses.
“So -? What is it?” I ask her.
She takes her time to brood over the question. “You’ve been waiting for something. Or it could be – hmm – you’ve been waiting for someone. You’ve been waiting -”
How could she have speculated this by heart?
My little brother is stricken with awe. “Whoa whoa.”
Astrid looks directy into the camera, as if sifting through my heart and soul. “Big angel – have you been waiting for your – dream girl to show up?”
My little brother and I are stunned!
I smile, though tears seem to bash through. She can read my intimate consciousness.
“Did big angel tell you?” he asks her.
“No, fruit cake!” she replies. “I’ve just figured it out for myself!”
“How, though?” he interrogates.
“I don’t know,” she shrugs. “I’ve just felt it.”
“You can’t just feel things like that all the time?” he argues. “Just like the way that we felt about big angel and your sister being meant for each other! Not all the time, miss – ‘usual’!”
“Burrito is my new usual now!” she reminds him. “Shut up!”
“Less mayo,” I say. “A little bit of cheddar.”
“I’ve added sriracha on it just recently,” she replies.
“You’re out of your mind!” he asserts. “Mayo and sriracha? That’s a terrifying combo, miss – ‘usual’! You’re getting creepier and creepier everyday now! What’s next? Ketchup on rice? Ho-ly!”
“Big angel, he makes me cry sometimes with all his teases,” she says.
“No, I don’t!” he boots in defensively.
“Darling,” I laugh, “he’s teasing you because you’re the little sister he’s never had!”
“That’s right!” he affirms. “And you should be pretty happy about it!”
She smiles celestially. “And he doesn’t want me to talk to other boys!”
“And why not?” I giggle.
“Because they’re jerks!” he hoots. “Just being protective here! So stop whining! Now my turn! And I’m gonna roast you alive! Big time!”
“I’ll roast myself instead,” she says.
“What?” I almost bob out of my seat.
“Huh?” he reacts.
“I’m gay!” she confesses.
Silence. My heart smiles. My little brother is sweetly delighted.
“I knew it,” he smirks.
“No, you didn’t,” she replies.
“Sure, I did!” he exclaims. “I see how you fidget awkwardly when you spot a beautiful – woman – WOMAN – Like in their 20s or a little older than that – every time we go somewhere! Huh! – I bet you’re crushing on big angel, too, huh? Right? Admit it! Admit it! Now there’s my roast! There’s the big bang roast! Na na na na na!”
“Shut up, fruit cake!” she cries out. “You’re being gross! How could I have a crush on big angel when my biggest dream in the world was for her to marry my sister? Take that back!”
“No, I won’t!” he insists. “Because it’s true! You can still have a crush on big angel despite your biggest dream! Huh!”
She looks into the camera, shuddering. “I do not have a crush on you, big angel. I do not!”
Yes, she does.
“Darling, it’s fine,” I hearten her up. “I will always love you, anyway.”
“I do not have a crush on you, big angel. I do not!” he mimics her. “You’ve just got yourself caught there, miss – ‘usual’! Contractions! Gone! Not – the usual! Boom! Na na na na na!”
“Shut up, fruit cake!” she revolts. “Now big angel won’t talk to me anymore!”
“Hey! Darling, don’t say that!” I say. “That won’t happen! Ever!”
She freezes in fanciful silence for a moment, dwelling on her solitary heart. “You promise?”
“I promise,” I assure her.
“I love you,” she says.
I smile. “Love you, too.”
“Love you, big angel,” he says. “Love you, miss – ‘usual’.”
“Love you, too, fruit cake!” she replies.
The Master Missions. Day Thirty-Three.
The mounting fear keeps on
halting my breaths.
I know it’s going to happen
I just don’t know how and when.
But I know it will hit my heart.
Like the waking nightmares
of walking away
from my first and last love.
Then finding out
her untimely demise.
Lucy has been keeping her time busy with household chores.
Cleaning, picking up groceries, cooking, and doing laundry. My desperate attempts to give her a hand would either cause her to make love to me in no time (- then push me away if I’d make my move to reciprocate as she wouldn’t want to lose her domestic momentum – The domestic momentum that she would set aside for a while just to gratify my sexual compulsion -) or deliver a sweet lecture of how much she enjoys doing it all by herself instead. The imposing part is, this is just a quarter of her villainous impulse of spoiling me like a princess. And I cannot go back to the ‘old me’ anymore.
I don’t want to lose my purpose. I don’t want to betray my heart. I don’t want her overwhelming love to weaken me.
Yet I don’t want to upset her.
In the past, I could care less about whatever she was doing or whatever she felt or how her days went. After all, I was an arrogant asshole. My heart was cold. Regardless of all the beautiful things she would do – for me, to me, on me in bed.
Now it aches my heart each time I agitate her with my love pleas and rants. My unwitting tears simply roll down, and I feel defeated and hopeless. I just want to hug her and make love to her and never let go.
Never let go.
My heart’s new prayer. For her to stay in my arms. For her to allow me to love her more. For as long as I live.
My punishing paradox.
She loves me with all her heart. But where does the impending fear come from?
Is it because she worries about history repeating itself? But how would it come to light? How would it come to an end? Our last end? If her intuition told the truth.
As we perch up in bed, she kisses me on the face. “Please don’t be mad at me.”
“I just want you to give me the opportunity to spoil you and love you more than you deserve,” I reply.
“You’re already doing that. I’m here with you. And I can feel your heart. No matter what.”
“You don’t understand, Lucy. I want to do something. Everything in me has changed. And in case you haven’t fully noticed, I’m not the same person anymore – I’m even desperate for us to get married tomorrow because I’m really scared that the ‘evil truth’ that your intuition keeps on bugging you about would kick in anytime. You have no idea how much my heart pounds over that. It’s been killing me.”
“We shouldn’t talk about it then. It’s killing me, too. I’m sorry. And I’m really sorry for bringing it up. But it was only a rational intent to make you understand as to why I couldn’t do the whole thing yet.”
“Let’s just grab your stuff tomorrow and get it over with!”
“Ash, please -”
“I’m killing the ‘evil truth’! I want it out of the way! Right now!”
“We’ve already talked about this.”
“Not about killing the ‘evil truth’, we didn’t!”
Her phone rings, and my sister’s name is flashing on the screen. “It must be about Balzac,” she says, then answers the call. “Hey, love. Don’t look for his works online anymore. I’ve got you covered -” – listening and smiling – “- And how exactly are you planning on smashing fruit cake tomorrow? -”
“Fruit cake?” I butt in. “What’s with the fruitcake situation?”
She is steeped into the phone conversation. “- Oh, you did, huh? And what did big angel say? -”
“Who’s big angel?” I frown.
– listening and smiling – Her genuine love for my sister keeps on growing everyday – “- yeah, I’ve already got the plane tickets. And I’m picking up the books tomorrow -” Laughing! “- Not telling you! Though Balzac is already in the list, but the rest would have to be a surprise! And you’d love them for sure! That, I already know!”
“Stop spoiling her,” I warn.
“So what else would you want from Toronto?” she asks my sister.
“Oh my god, Lucy!” I roll away. “Please, don’t do that to her.”
She covers the mouthpiece with her hand, and looks at me. “She can hear you, and I’m not spoiling her. She’s 16. All 16-year-olds wish for something nice. That’s just what I’m doing.”
“I’ll talk to her tomorrow,” I say.
She sinks back into phone. “- No, love. Read as much as you can first. Learn. Learn more from their literary strokes. That’s just one of the compelling motivations to get you into writing. And that’s exactly what your sister did as well. I’m sure you’ve already known that -” – listening and smiling – “- Here’s what I know for sure. An epiphany happens when you least expect it. Anyone can write. But not anybody can have that epiphany of knowing that it’s something very special that they wanna do for the rest of their lives. Just keep on reading for now. Keep feeding that joy. Keep the books excite you. Then maybe one day, one book would give you that epiphany. But if your gut already tells you to write something, go for it. Without worrying too much. Just write. But never neglect the joy of reading and learning more. Because it’s one of the crucial instruments of our understanding of human conditions -”
“Oh god, babe,” I say, smiling. “You’re turning my sister into the most beautiful wonder.”
She passes the phone to me. “She wants to talk to you.”
“Darling,” I giggle, “how much do you love your future sister-in-law now?”
“Very very much!” my sister replies. “I can’t wait for next weekend anymore!”
“I know!” I say. “Don’t tell mom and dad, though. We’re barging in to surprise them.”
“Okay,” she utters. “I miss you.”
“Me too,” I mumble. While guilt prods in. “I’m sorry if I’ve been a little quiet lately. I’ve just been – You know what? Don’t worry about it. It’s all good – So what’s with fruit cake? And who’s big angel?”
“Fruit cake is Ryan and big angel is his sister,” she divulges.
“You talk to Ryan’s sister?”
“Yeah. All the time. Lucy also talks to me all the time. Everytime I text or call, they’re always quick to respond. Both of them. That’s why I love them very much, too. And big angel also tells me she loves me. And Lucy never fails to call me ‘love’. And even fruit cake loves me just as much. And we -”
I have to interrupt her now! “Darling -” The heartbreak is just as worse as all my waking nightmares! “You know how much I love you, right?”
“I know,” she says, sighing.
“One day,” I sob, “something beautiful will happen, and I will never leave you again.”
“Well, I hope it will come very soon,” she cries.
Swoosh! How can we make it happen? It is a promise to keep!
However it would come about.
It’s an absolute done deal!
Saturday 27 July 2019
And there is just another effervescent motion
in life that I have never
In the past.
Accompanying a friend
to a life-changing journey.
Wherever you may be.
I hope you have already
changed a friend’s life journey.– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
Already stunning. Why are they still here for? What else needs to be done? Why does it have to be a cardinal part of their facade experience? I don’t understand.
I am accompanying Megan for her skin care consultation at a beauty clinic, and – right away, the lovely female receptionist welcomes us with a taking smile.
“She’s already looking at me,” Megan whispers into my ear. “I so hate you.”
“Hi,” I greet the receptionist.
“Why, hello,” she replies. “And how may I help you today, ladies?”
“I don’t know why I’m here,” Megan says, clacking, “but I’m here, anyway. So – I’d just like to know what kind of services you guys do. I mean, it’s all about skin, right? The impeccably glowing skin – ohhh – something that turns – heads – like a magnet. Whatever. I mean, I know it’s pretty hefty, but – I’m here. So anyway -”
“Ma’am, what are you looking into exactly?” the receptionist graciously interrupts her.
“I don’t know,” Megan mutters. “What have you got there?”
“Skin tightening,” the receptionist responds – “- peels, customized skin care, laser hair removal, earlobe rejuvenation -”
“Earlobe rejuvenation?” Megan reacts. “What in the name of cosmic universe is that supposed to mean? In plain English.” She turns to me. “Did you know there was such a thing? I didn’t know there was such a thing. Why do earlobes need rejuvenation, anyway? And whose earlobes need saving like that! That’s quite offensive. But anyway, my earlobes are hanging perfectly fine. So there.”
“What else have you got?” I ask the receptionist.
“Botox, fillers -” she answers.
“I don’t need any of that,” Megan objects. “As you can see. It’s already starting to whip my garments apart here. But whatever. I’m sorry. Continue.”
“Fat reduction and cellulite removal,” the receptionist says.
“My thighs,” Megan snaps. “And I need my skin to look like -” – she points into my face – “- hers! I don’t know how she keeps it that way, but she keeps it gloriously that way. So – how much would the thighs and the skin glow cost me?” The receptionist enunciates the estimated amount, then Megan and I look at each other – aghast! “That sounds like a European holiday, across the entire continent!” Megan thunders. “I can’t -”
“Excuse us,” I say to the receptionist.
“Sure,” she replies.
I catch Megan’s arm and drag her outside. “Megan, I hate to say this to you, but you don’t need this beauty ballgame!”
“But -” she says, confused.
“Just change your style to whatever it is that defines more of who you are and makes you feel magnetic inside and out!”
“But what about -”
“Exercise. Fruits. Veggies. Better facial cleanser. Better toner. Better moisturizer. Drink turmeric tea. Then smile, smile – just keep on smiling – feeling great about being here – alive, living, laughing – These things! That’s all you need, really! Trust me!”
“Megan!” I grip her hand. “Please – trust me – Do you know that you’re the best person I have ever met here in Toronto?”
She grins. “Whatever, hottie lesbian friend! You got me tickling now!”
“You make my day at work, and that’s five days a week. And hours fly away everyday in a beautiful snap because of your glow. You’re the best reason as to why I’m still there all through these years. You make me laugh. You get me into thinking about everything in life. You’ve been the greatest friend. In fact, you’ve been the only friend, the ONLY FRIEND, I have ever had in my entire life. And that’s one of the wonderful reasons as to why you deserve the ‘magnetic Megan mantra.’ – Now – do you trust me?”
“I don’t know how you do it. But you do it. You make the words sound like a heavenly choir or something. It’s like you turn a boring community park into High Park or Central Park. But anyway – yeah, I trust you. So there. My bank account can inhale now – So since the planet earth has just transported me into a higher dimension, up next, grocery shopping – By the way, I dreamed about spinach last night. And I don’t know why I dreamed about it, but I did. Also, three animals. A white-orange dog, a dead chicken, and a nasty raccoon biting off my finger. It must mean something. Like the universe spoke to me with either a boot or a high-five. But whatever. It must mean something -”
“Megan,” I giggle. “You’re so wild!”
“I’m just hoping that my gay obsession wouldn’t turn up anytime soon, though,” she says. “But anyway. If it’s not meant to be, not meant to be – I’m feeling the 90s and the early 2000s. I should go back to these decades to reminisce my style vibe. What do you think?”
“Were you happy then?”
“Not the baggy and whacky part, though. But whatever. I was the happiest then. So there.”
The Master Missions. Day Thirty-Four.
What is attached to fear?
Heartbreaking past actions
Of my own doing.
Shame. Remorse. Unforgiven self.
Now that I’m ready
to offer my heart and soul,
it is when the knowing of
not accomplishing the desired results
starts slashing my life
Yet her life would forever change
in the most beautiful ways
Swoosh! My hands and legs shake.
My stomach harrows. My waking nightmare is harassing me, getting ready to swallow me alive.
I have been pacing around the apartment, anticipating for Lucy’s entrance from her bookstore trip. She insisted to go alone instead so as not to disturb her inner child’s command.
The inner child’s command: picking up books for my sister, with a strong conviction that it was a spiritual lurch.
Spiritual lurch. However it means. Mystifying.
Regardless, I can already feel it.
My doomed romance. With the one. The vulnerable heart that stands out the most. The fear.
My ultimate dream of becoming the only one who could love her more than how the wise perceived love to be – I know – Its senses are too raw for me to bear now – I know it will crash soon.
She walks through the door, with two bags full of the desired purchased items. I rush towards her in an instant and pull her into me for a passionate kiss. She half-responds and pulls away. Quietly. Displaying a resolute look. She holds my hand, and we walk into the kitchen. Quietly. As my heart already breaks. As my soul already wants to die.
I already know.
We sit down. Quietly. We look into each other’s eyes. Still quietly. She crumbles into tears. I weep along. She looks down and massages her thumb. I reach out for her hand, and grip it hard. As hard as I can. Then she looks up at me and cries some more. A lot more. More than she might have done in the past behind her closed door.
I’m already dead inside.
“Before I even walked into the bookstore,” she narrates, “I already knew which books to pick up. Balzac, Twain, Plato, Salinger, and Hemingway. Because in my heart, I knew that Astrid would hang on to them for the rest of her life. And the split moment that I heard her voice on the phone – no matter who she is in my life – and no matter who I am or will be in her life – I already knew that we would keep each other for a lifetime – And this kind of feeling is something that eluded me when you and I first met. All I had was so much fear that streamed along with love. But I chose love over fear. Because I couldn’t help myself to be with you, to love you, and to be whoever you wanted me to be in your life. And yet every second, I had to battle against the fear, with just one wish. To win. Not only to defeat the fear. But also to win your heart. And I had never fully succeeded in that quest. And I never will. Never will, Ash -”
“Lucy, that’s not true,” I cry out.
“You may love me so much. Right now. Just right now. Because I know that – no matter how much I love you, no matter how much I want to be with you, no matter how much I dream to spend my lifetime with you – my heart tells me – my heart tells me – that you wouldn’t stay -”
“Lucy! That is so not -”
“It’s the ‘evil truth’, Ash. But it’s not evil at all. It is the truth that you and I have to face or we’d both be confronted by it everyday, and then we’d both be miserable.”
“Lucy, please – Please – don’t leave me -”
“I’m not leaving you. I’m still here. I will always be here for you. I will always love you. But I just can’t love you the same way anymore. Like I can’t make love to you anymore. I can’t hope for our life together anymore. I can’t be afraid of tomorrow or next week or next month anymore. We’re doing this for each other. Because the truth is – I don’t belong with you and you don’t belong with me. I belong to be with someone who gives me the same feeling that Astrid has given me. Just having that instant knowing inside that makes me feel happy and loved and appreciated – And you belong to be with someone who makes you feel the same way. Who also gives you the same feeling -”
“I don’t know how to breathe anymore – This is -”
“Ash, you’ll thank your heart. Once she appears into your life.”
“But I don’t want you to go!”
“I’m not going anywhere,” she says, wiping away my tears with her delicate fingers. “Please don’t cry anymore. It isn’t an Ash dominion.”
“I don’t want you to go because I wanna be with you! Only! Just with you for the rest of my life! I swear to god, Lucy! I know what my heart wants, and THIS IS IT! This is what my heart wants! To spend a lifetime with you! Nothing else!”
“I will spend a lifetime with you, but not in the way that you want me to – because I know, and deep down inside, you also know, that we don’t belong together.”
“I know that I only belong to you! With you! My heart knows it! My soul knows it! Everything inside of me knows it, and there’s nothing that I can do to stop it! Nothing! And I’m hanging on to it -”
“Ash, please – Hear me out -”
“NO!!! I AM NOT GONNA LISTEN TO THIS CRAP ANYMORE!!!”
“Fine,” she says. “Then what do you want me to do? Live my life everyday and wait for that one day, that one painful day, the most painful day of you meeting someone who gives you the feeling of instant knowing? Is that what you want me to do?”
“I’ve already had that feeling about you,” I vow.
“When? Just recently? That was not an instant knowing, Ash. That was a deep realization of who you are. That your heart can love after all. And it understands what love is all about.”
Swoosh, I know you more now.
And it’s an absolute done deal!
Sunday 28 July 2019
There is an unexpected effervescent motion
in life that I have never
In the past.
The most palpable love
offered to a stranger’s heart
who your heart only recognizes
with frightening familiarity and complete honesty.
That you may even find
to be inexplicable and unattainable
Wherever you may be.
I hope that your heart has found
its familiar and honest sounds.
No matter how inexplicable
it once was.– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
I have never heard a word from Astrid all day long, and it has been ruffling my insides around.
She would typically bounce into my phone all throughout her waking hours, and that would be 16 hours straight of non-stop texting. If I’m swamped at work or tired, I’d prefer to call her instead and assure her that we’d continue the conversation as soon as I would get home. She would understand along with an unassailable trust that I’d call right away. And I never disappointed her for once. She was always a happy camper, just like my little brother.
I figured she had been busy with a lot of reading and advanced studying. Regardless, she would still find the time, a lot of time in between, to sweep in with long messages and remind me of how much I make her feel – just by being around for her at all times.
Her silence worries me that my appetite suffers from a total halt. I rang her phone once this afternoon, and she didn’t pick up. Okay, busy, I thought. However, knowing her fairy-like twinkle, she was always ecstatic to hear from me. And she would answer in half a ring.
I ring her phone again as a last attempt before I go for a panic blow-up. I wait and wait – in distress! No response! And my heart relents into a heartbreaking roar. Without warning.
This act feels familiar, as I would do the same thing to Jazzelle whenever I was upset about something – mostly about nonsense and childish stitches. But in Astrid’s case, I have an emphatic feeling that it’s beyond what my heart, and anybody’s heart, can ever assume.
And my little brother screeches in with a call, “Big angel, have you heard from Astrid?”
“I was just gonna call you and ask you the same thing,” I pant. “I was hoping you guys were together or -”
“No!” he interjects. “Not even a text. And she was supposed to see me at work today ‘cause we had plans to go for fish and chips after!”
“Have you tried calling her, though?” I panic.
“Tons and tons of messages. Tons of calls. Nothing. And that’s not her – usual self at all.”
“You remember the last conversation you had with her?”
“Me going to college. And it’s just around the city. But she insisted I’d be super busy by then, and I wouldn’t have time to hang out with her anymore. Then I teased her that she could hang out with Leila if that would ever happen, and she said she could, though she wouldn’t be as happy, but -”
“Apricot, go see her at her house and tell her to call me right away!”
“Okay – Big angel, I’m scared. What if -”
“Don’t give me that talk right now, apricot! I’m sorry! I can’t accept it! And I’m sorry if I’m freaking out, but I’m here in Toronto, and there’s not much that I can do from here!”
“Maybe that’s the problem,” he says. “‘Cause you’re away. Her sister’s also away. And she feels like she’s about to lose me, too.”
“Oh my god,” I burst out, staying brave. “Apricot, please go see her right now, and let me know what’s going on. Now – Now! NOW!!!”
“Will do.” He hangs up.
I throw myself into the couch and browse through my last text conversation with her. I need to investigate more.
Plato’s theory on love and admiration. Hemingway’s works. Twain’s unforgettable characters that she couldn’t wait to meet. Salinger’s famous book. Balzac. These were her hopes. Her innocent hopes.
Oh, how much does she inspire me? So much! So much more than Jazzelle ever did! So much more than everything I had ever imagined! Now I am sitting in my feeble living room, realizing the one greatest thing inside of me.
She came into my life on a special purpose.
To help me discover my heart’s joy. How to glow in life with the deepest meaning ever found. How to fall in love with myself a lot more than an angel ever could. How to keep what matters most.
As I ponder on these beautiful thoughts, she breaks into my phone. And I cannot contain my excitement. “Darling!” I holler. “Thank god, you called! I was worried sick about you!”
“I’m sorry, big angel,” she says, almost mumbling. “I’m sorry. I’ve just been – I’ve just been -”
“Sad?” I cut her off.
“Yeah – I’ve just texted fruit cake. Told him I just needed to be alone for a while. And I apologized if I had worried him to death as well. But I just couldn’t get myself to do anything. Still can’t. And I don’t know how long it’s gonna last ‘cause it’s really getting into me. I can’t help it. I can’t help feeling all the hurt, feeling alone, feeling – unloved -”
“Hey, darling, that’s not true! I love you! Apricot loves you! We all love you!”
“I know. My parents are kinda freaking out, too. They got my sister to call me, but I haven’t been picking up her calls at all. I talked to Lucy, though. Just before I called you. Just to assure her I was fine, and that we could talk more tomorrow.”
“Then why do you feel unloved?”
“People that I love seem to leave me. Or they disappear on me. No matter how many times they make me feel how much they really do love me. But that kind of feeling is not enough at all. If only I could get someone to stay. Even just for a few months long. A year would be a dream already. If only someone very special to me would do that, then I could tell the heavens I had lived. I mean, don’t get me wrong. My parents love me very much. I love them just as much, too. But I also need another special person in my life. Fruit cake fulfills it. This need. But he’s also gonna disappear on me. Constantly. And I can’t even get my sister to stick around longer. Though she told me recently, something beautiful would happen one day, and she would never leave me again. But I doubt it. She left me for so many years, and I only saw her twice in those times. Though I understood why she did that. But still – it wasn’t right. It wasn’t right at all. Because I needed her. Now I need her more. I need you, too. And Lucy. Even just one of you that I can really keep. Just one of you who could make my dream come true. To stay around here with me. Then I could say I had really lived – Am I bad for feeling this way, big angel?”
The frightening familiarity. The complete honesty.
Unexplainable. Unattainable. As reality would say.
But not in my heart.
“Darling,” I say reflectively, “your sister might have been telling the truth, and she might even fulfill that promise somehow. Maybe even sooner. And you know what? I also felt the same way. Because once upon a time, a very special person in my life left me to become an angel instead.”
As I tell her about Jazzelle, my heart has already made a special decision.
To become her big angel.
Nothing to explain. Because nothing.
Once all the effervescent motions in life have already been experienced.
And all that matters is –
The frightening familiarity. The complete honesty.
Of the heart.
The Master Missions. Day Thirty-Five.
My years of absence
is now beleaguering
The years of absence with
only a memory of her
being the heart of our home.
The years of absence when
wishes were created.
The wishes of me
Swoosh! I am grateful.
For Lucy’s heart, and the chance of fully knowing it.
For how it has made me understand love.
For its power to save me. With resilience and faith.
For the magic of instant knowing. With truth and pride.
For the amazing opportunity to fully know your worth.
You will be okay. I will know more of your beauty as we go along.
For now, you have just been awakened. To the greatest love of a lifetime. One of the kindest and purest that you can ever give. The one who needs it most. The one that cries for it most. And the one who must matter most.
Lucy and I have been deliberating over the most rational decisions that must be done. Our next move. Only it has nothing to do with her and I. It is about my sister. She’s growing up fast. She starts to realize all the deepest truths of life. Her expansive emotions can become frightening. I’ve done so much emotional damage to her that may cause her to believe otherwise. I was not, am not, have never ever been good to her heart.
I have to save it.
I slam my phone down on the kitchen table, out of frustration. Lucy serves me a cup of tea. Quietly. Pensively. “She won’t talk to me,” I cry. “I might as well just die right now – Argh! I hate myself!”
“You know what to do, Ash,” she says. “You’ve just been resisting it.”
“Resisting what? What the hell are you talking about? What do you want me to do? Yank her out of Halifax and get her to experience Toronto? Mom and Dad would kill me! Dad would kill me first!”
“Move back to Halifax!”
“You did not just say that!”
“Fine. You don’t want to? I would do it.”
“All she ever wants is to get either one of us to stay with her. You, me, or big angel -”
“Looks like this big angel could be the wish fulfillment after all.”
“Even just for a while longer. A few months. For however long. That’s all she wants. That’s her dream. She’s 16. She’s gay. She has a gay sister who claims to have loved her, but has never actually been around. Sure, I will always be there for her. Always, and even for the rest of my life because of the instant knowing that we both feel towards each other. I may not be capable of doing everything to make her happy and fulfilled, but I do know that I’ll do whatever I can to achieve it. My own way. I know it sounds crazy and ridiculous, but I don’t wanna resist it. I don’t wanna deny myself of that instant knowing. I wanna be there for her. As much as I can – What I’m trying to say is, if she could make me feel like this and make me realize something about life, how much more of it could she have impacted on you? How much, Ash? How much?”
My first and last love. Closure. Cleansing. Clearing. I left it hanging. To experience my heart’s worth. To understand love. To get to know myself more. With all the kindest and purest I could have ever prayed for.
“Can we move our flight?” I ask.
“You mean, earlier?” she replies, smiling.
“Yeah. There’s just something that I’ve gotta do first before I make a full decision. And once I’m free from it completely, then yeah. All good to go. No question. No resistance. No nothing whatsoever. My sister. Done deal.”
“What is it?”
I smile. Along with pouring tears. “Jazzelle.”
Lucy’s face mirrors a peaceful understanding. Her kindest and purest. She sits beside me and holds my hand, then kisses me on the temple. “You only told me a thing or two about her. But that thing or two was already enough for me to feel the truth.”
My phone shimmers a call from my sister. “Oh my god!” I answer it in riveting pride and joy. “Darling! Oh god, darling -” And I toss my heartaches into more weeps – “I’m so sorry!”
“Ashie,” she sobs, “when do you think is that beautiful thing gonna happen?”
“Soon, darling,” I reply. “Very soon. I’ll have to figure it out first. But I know it’ll happen very soon.”
“If not,” she cries, “it’s okay. I would understand. I have a feeling big angel or Lucy would make my dream come true somehow. I don’t know how they’d do it, but I just know that they’d do something beautiful, very beautiful for me. So I’d understand if you couldn’t -”
“Darling, please don’t say that,” I interrupt her. “Yeah, of course, they will always do something beautiful for you. But I’ve just been going through something, and now I understand everything. I understand the truths. I know what I need to do. Just give me a little more time, and I’ll find a way to make your dream come true. I will. Just a little more time, and it’ll happen. I know it’ll happen very soon.”
“Ash -” Lucy sighs, worried.
“I’ve already talked to big angel and Lucy,” my sister says. “And I’m not making you feel bad or anything. I just want you to know that whatever happens, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Because I know, and I feel it in my heart, how much they both love me. For whatever special reason. Also fruit cake very much loves me. But he’s going to college, and he’s gonna be really busy. That’s why I’ve been really sad because he’s gonna disappear on me, too. But now I know big angel and Lucy are up to something to make my dream come true. I’m probably selfish and stubborn because I’m acting irrationally like this. But also, I’ve been patient for so many years. And all I ever wished for was to get someone to stay with me. And fruit cake did that. And he’s still gonna do that until he gets his life going. It’s too much for me to ask or demand. But don’t you think that – if you truly love someone, you always make sure that they never feel alone and unloved? Lucy got me into Philosophy, and Plato. But I think it’s how she makes me feel that has made me simplify love. And big angel always keeps her promises. No matter how tired she is from work or anything. Even when she’s on the bus or the moment she leaves work, she calls me. She makes sure I’m eating right and sleeping right. She asks me a bunch of questions about my day or what I’m feeling and thinking. Or what my plans are. She also calls me darling a lot. I’m glad to have her in my life. And she’s a lot like you. Only she’s been fulfilling my wish. My wish to get you to do the same thing for me. And I’m already really happy. She makes my life grand and beautiful. I’m also glad that you introduced me to Lucy. Because she’s also making me feel really happy. And I know that she will be around for me. And big angel will keep me, too. They will both be there for me. So you’ve got nothing to worry about. I thought I should let you know.”
“Darling, I know I can never bring back the lost times. I know I haven’t been good to your heart. I know all that. I know. But you also have to understand that I’ve been going through this crazy spiral of becoming the kind of person who can fully love. With the kindest and purest heart. And then I, myself, would be deserving of it, too. That I deserve your love. Your kindest and purest heart. That I also deserve someone’s heart. Otherwise, love would become vain. When love should only have the kindest and purest hearts.”
“Don’t worry, Ashie. I will always understand. I’m sorry if I’m throwing tantrums or being stubborn, but I’ve just been alone and lonely. I’ve been alone and lonely since you left home when I was a kid. And then I met fruit cake, and big angel, and Lucy. They make me feel that there’s still a lot of beautiful things in the world. I think it should be enough for now. And even if big angel or Lucy couldn’t make my dream come true pretty soon, I think I should find a beautiful way to be happy on my own instead. Just myself. And just knowing that they’re always around no matter what – I should be okay. I will be. Just letting you know.”
Swoosh! It’s about time!
And it’s an absolute done deal!