Monday 15 July 2019
Wherever you may be
Please, forgive me.
I have to complete
the process first.
As the charming universe
must keep us apart.
For the time being.
I hope you have already
something beautiful.– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
The new conviction taunts me to treat myself to a little bit of shopping.
A cute white top and a pair of skinny jeans. And each time I wear them, it lulls me into a hopeful feeling that I would run into you somewhere. Wherever it may be. Wherever you may be. Though there’s a pungent sense shrilling in my heart that you’re too – CLOSE!!! And it’s something that I haven’t felt before since your magical intrusion.
It’s Monday. Eaton Centre may be packed in the evening. Yet it’s not packed enough for congested chests. I can see the floor. I can walk past shoppers without an elbow brush. I can take my time to figure out which store would echo along with what I’m looking for.
I take a quick turn into one. A clothing store that I haven’t even thought of. I feel like some kind of energy has towed me in. No hesitation. I am in here. Wandering inside. Aimlessly. No questions to ask. Not one. As I have already vowed to myself that I should stop formulating questions that would only imbalance all my motivational drives. Emotional punishment has become my mortal enemy now. I refuse to let its particle in and suck me back into misery. No.
As I am browsing through the white top collection area, I overhear two female voices zapping into my ears from a close distance:
“I don’t know what I want, though,” says one voice.
“You’re killing me,” says the other. “Hurry up. I’m starving here.”
“What do you think would look better on me? A dress or -”
“You can’t ask me that. If you loved yourself well enough, you’d already know what to pick before you even decided to go shopping.”
“What’s with the judgmental tone? Gosh! I was only asking for a friendly suggestion here.”
“Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror? Like – really looked at yourself in the mirror?”
“I check myself out in the mirror every chance I get. What’s the point?”
“And what do you feel?”
“I feel great knowing that I like what I see.”
“And was there ever a time when you didn’t like what you saw?”
“Only when I’d feel bad about something.”
“Which absolutely had nothing to do with what you were wearing.”
“Do you feel bad about something right now?”
“Yeah! ‘Cause you’re kicking my ass instead of helping me grab whatever!”
“I can’t believe I’ve been working with you for years, and I’ve just found out that you’ve just realized what your reflection actually looks like.”
“Did you get the idea from your therapist?”
“I thought of it when I saw myself in my mind – smiling and really happy. And that’s when I quit therapy.”
“What do you mean, you saw yourself in your mind? Like, visualization or something?”
“No. It just zoomed in from out of nowhere in the middle of my lunch break. I just remember enjoying my sandwich so much, and it was like the only best thing ever in life. And then I – me – just zoomed in to my mind like a flashlight.”
I’m afraid I’m about to ask a lot more questions now.
A lot more questions to ask the charming universe.
Will I find the answers and the truths?
The Master Missions. Day Twenty Three.
Mission #2: Meet the Master in Me.
I had to do it
to save her heart.
There is only one beautiful word that I need to accomplish the mission.
Swoosh, I’ve been kind to you since the sizzling transformation, haven’t I?
Are you sure about that?
Gee. There you are again with your cryptic cry.
Breakdown list. For the sake of enlightenment. Right. We can’t take the shortcut. There’s still –
God, no. I can’t say the word. I don’t want to say it. It’s forbidden. But I have to acknowledge its relevance. Because it’s been in there. Furtively waiting to be understood.
DARKNESS!!! Guilt. An overflowing amount of guilt that would always overshadow me either as an evil temptation to batter me back into the shameful me or that I wouldn’t find my other wing at all. My love and happiness.
First! I have to –
MEET THE MASTER IN ME!!!
Through the profound power of kindness.
I am already kind enough to myself. Now it’s time to be kinder to Swoosh! And Swoosh has been carrying a truck load of guilt the entire time. My dramatic engrossment could not kick it out of the way. It wouldn’t. No matter how much my chest would suffer from deploring. It would never make peace with Swoosh.
Here we go.
- I have hurt numerous vulnerable hearts in the past. Yet there’s one vulnerable and important heart that stands out the most, and it deserves my sincere apology. Once done, then perhaps I would achieve my karmic goal.
- And then!
Swoosh! Let’s end the breakdown list right there. I know. One should already be enough.
Are you sure about that?
Please, shut up!
No! No! No! BIG NO! Don’t hurt me right now! Don’t erupt me into another episode of dramatic engrossment! Just don’t make me feel anything more horrible than this!
Let’s reach out to the vulnerable heart that stands out the most. That’s what we should focus on. Don’t ever –
Swoosh! I’m begging you! Please! Not yet! Not right now! We can’t deal with the major cause yet! We can’t! Let’s not go back there yet!
PLEASE!!! I’M BEGGING YOU!!!
Okay. It’s okay to cry it out. Just cry it out. It wasn’t my fault. It was my principle’s fault. It was my heart’s principle’s fault.
And this was a long time ago. Back home. Back when I knew who my heart had dreamed of. Back when I first fell in love. And it was also the last.
But first. Let’s reach out to the vulnerable heart that stands out the most. From my recent past.
And it’s an absolute done deal!
Tuesday 16 July 2019
Wherever you may be.
I hope you have already realized.
Of independence.– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
I didn’t come home with a cute white top and a pair of skinny jeans from the mall yesterday.
I regret to tell you that the hopeful feeling must subside. Until I have finally freed myself from the full circle. Once and for all, I must confront my truths. My own truths. All the way from the past. Even the underlying spiritual realizations have more truths to justify. I must spread them all out and take them to heart.
I have to answer all the questions myself.
Did Jazzelle really send me the magical intrusion? Or was it my subconscious showing me my own future reflection.
Yes, I know what you look like. Your hair, your face, your fashion style – definitely not me. You have long curly black hair. I have long curly red hair. Your face is raptured with your own truths. My face is moistened with wintry patches. You have a hypnotic androgenous fashion style – cute black top, black skinny jeans, and black sneakers. I go for the dominant family color of white. And you’re wearing a mystic necklace that I don’t even recognize in this lifetime. And I do not wear any accessories. I only wear a watch.
Your presence mystifies bliss as it is even more incandescent. I understand happiness. I just do not know how to sustain it.
Your smile glosses beautiful life freedom. I have just recently found myself smiling. Due to spiritual realizations. The beautiful life freedom can only happen once I have freed myself from the full circle.
Subconscious would only work its magic once fed by conscious efforts. The magical intrusion presented itself while I was in an overall numb state as a form of escape.
My reality conclusion: it came from Jazzelle’s heavenly magic. Symbolic pieces of what my truths should look like. Black: death and new beginnings. The mystic necklace: hope and faith. The hypnotic androgenous fashion style: I have to be confident and comfortable with who I am.
Being confident and comfortable with who I am. Bliss and beautiful life freedom. Accomplished.
Did I truly love Jazzelle?
More than I ever thought I did. Because I had forgotten who I was meant to be and where I wanted to go with my life. I had no ambition to do anything else. I had no goals. My only hobbies were reading and scribbling down meaningless notes. I never mattered to my own life. I only mattered to my heart. I was already content with being mediocre. I dropped out of college and settled for a common job because all I desired was to be with her at all times and not worry about real challenges anymore. Regardless of her constant encouragement. Yet my lame principle would always win. And it did.
My reality conclusion: the magical intrusion as an epitome of my whole truth. New beginnings. Bliss. Beautiful life freedom. OF INDEPENDENCE!!!
Who I am meant to be. My individuality. My passion. My life for me within my heart, mind, and soul. Not being nurtured by someone I deeply love.
Being nurtured by Jazzelle. It was the beginning of the end of who I was meant to be.
The Master Missions. Day Twenty Four.
We knew it was love
because it made us feel
We knew it was romance
because we couldn’t stop
thinking about each other
every time we were apart.
We knew it was
sacred and special
because we deeply cared
for each other’s happiness.
Alrighty, Swoosh! Here we go!
I’m pressing the dial button now! We’re calling the vulnerable heart that stands out the most.
Are you sure about that?
Excuse me?! We’re doing this for the karmic goal! We have to smash down the guilt so we can move on. And then –
Why are you telling me it has nothing to do with guilt at all? That she was merely one of the guilt particles. That she had become the victim of my principle. That she is just like the others. No matter how pure her intention was for me.
Swoosh, I’m sorry. Now I understand your message. There is a selfish intention behind the atonement. Once I go about my days, feeling happy just being with myself, free from the major guilt, and not wondering about the existence of my other wing, then I’m pressing the dial button.
What do you suggest we should do now?
No! Please! We’re not flying back home for it! Not yet! Please! I’m not ready to face it yet! I can’t! I would die! I can’t! Not yet!
It was the most poignant and most tragic news I had ever heard! I remember plunging into alcohol and joints for months just to forget. To forget it all. To forget how we broke each other’s hearts.
My only dream girl. My first and last love.
We met in Middle School. Her jittery acts prompted me to step forward. Because I knew she also felt the same way. Though I could contain myself somehow.
We managed to create a platonic relationship. Though at that time, we had no definite word for it. We emotionally and mentally connected on all levels. We were gullible and innocent. We were kind to each other’s hearts. We were respectful of each other’s values. I was aware of her religious devotion. She was aware of my parents’ noble reputation.
We wanted to kiss. We were kids. We knew it was wrong.
At 19, I finally put an end to everything. Even our friendship. I detached myself. Completely. Without even saying a personal goodbye. Just a letter that I slipped into her hand on the very last day that I saw her. I never realized that it would be the last time that I would see her alive.
I only wrote a few heartbreaking phrases:
I have to go away to save your heart.
Your heart is an angel. You can’t disappoint God this way.
I am sacrificing my most meaningful happiness.
Because I don’t want to be your spiritual misery anymore.
Always remember this.
You will always be my first and last love in this lifetime.
Forever and ever.
I can’t breathe. I can’t stop crying. Oh god. Oh god. OH GOD!!!
Swoosh! Let’s get rid of the furniture!
And it’s an absolute done deal!
Wednesday 17 July 2019
Wherever you may be.
I hope you have already.
Found your special purpose.
The special purpose.– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
I’m 28 years old, and I am yet to answer the most challenging life question that is even thrown into a kindergarten’s innocent mind: what would you like to be when you grow up?
This is all a refreshing sunshine to me. I’m just growing up. I fell madly in love with the most beautiful human being when I was 9 years old, and the passionate love had become my only bliss ever since. THE ONLY BLISS!!!
And I do not regret any of it at all. I only regret not taking Jazzelle’s encouragement and advice seriously. Now that it has come to my full attention, I realize how worried she was about my future. Especially when she found out she wouldn’t live longer. It was why I was the primary beneficiary of her life insurance. And I wanted to hand it over to her family instead, but they graciously refused and reassured me that it was given to me on a special purpose. The lump sum amount is still stashed away in my account – untouched.
Special purpose. What would it be?
Maybe I should go back to college and finish my Psychology degree. But then what would I do with it after? My heart was not even into it to begin with. I was just fascinated with human behavior.
Maybe I should learn a technical skill. Like what? Web design, graphic design, or – Or any technical skill for that matter. But why? It’s not even practical enough for me, and I’m not interested.
Maybe I should be a Social Worker. But I’m too emotionally weak for it. My empathy would only submerge me into deep depression.
I need something that catches fire in my heart, mind, and soul. As I already feel secure with my work situation. And I have been working for them since I arrived in the city. My loyalty has never budged for once. Not only do I feel content. The family-like atmosphere is something that I know I would never find anywhere else at all. Why should I aspire for a profession? The society’s definition of profession.
This is my profession. No matter how mediocre it may be. But it makes me feel fulfilled in a way. I get by essentially. I love the people that I work for and my co-workers. What else could be better than that?
I’m keeping it. With a humble pride.
Moving on. Scribbling down meaningless notes.
Would I find something beautiful and meaningful in doing it?
Like this. Filling up the diary. About our magic.
Your magical intrusion. How it keeps on transforming my life.
Like a wheel of fortune.
The Master Missions. Day Twenty Five.
Our innocent love
feed my heart.
My dream girl.
and last love.
Divert. Relax. Forget.
Are you sure about that?
Swoosh, shut up! I’ve already told you, we are not flying back home just because!
Just because grief woke me up. Again.
Grief. Harsh. Brutally harsh. It puts life to a complete halt.
Maybe we should do something fun. We’ll have to think of ways as to how to get out of this torturous feeling. Hmm. Think. C’mon. Help me out here. Think!
The furniture task is done. Just a sofa chair in the living room is fine. Aah. Let’s feel the invigorating energy flowing in now. We are reconstructing you, Swoosh!
I am reconstructing my heart!
Not this way! This is not how I should reconstruct my heart! Full reconstruction can only happen once I surrender to the past.
And only until then. Will I ever find peace.
No. Not yet. It’s too painful. I can’t face it yet. I CAN’T!!!
Whoo. Divert. Relax. Forget.
How? It is never going to happen, anyway. I have been running away from it for 5 long years. I ran away from her for 12 years before that.
Okay. Breathe. Don’t cry. No! Stop twinging already!
STOP!!! PLEASE STOP IT!!! JUST STOP!!!
Alright, Swoosh. You won.
We’re flying back home. Again.
This time, for a major closure. I know. I have to get it out of the way before I can fully live on. Before my other wing is found. Before I can see my future. With clarity and focus. With confidence and enthusiasm. With kindness and security.
She never reached out for once. She must have found her true love and happiness. As honest and pure her heart could get, I knew she loved the person more than she could have ever loved me.
Because if she didn’t, she would still find a way for us to be together. She would fight for me. She would fight for us. No matter what her religious beliefs would say. No matter how noble my parents’ reputation was.
The day I disappeared on her life was also the day she taught her love for me to disappear. She respected my decision with all her heart. She understood my heart’s principle after all. It was who she was. The angel of light.
My angel of light.
Okay, Swoosh! Here we go! Let’s check out some flights! One more time!
And it’s an absolute done deal!
Yes. I am sure of it. It’s about time.
Thursday 18 July 2019
Wherever you may be.
I hope you have already.
Found a resolution.
To your own personal battle.– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
I work at an independent Vegan Food Store downtown, Mondays through Fridays, 9 a.m. until 7 p.m., 10 hours per shift.
Physically, it doesn’t drain me at all. As putting away delivery and merchandising duties are assigned to our part-time guys, Jared and Mark. Both of them, as I have heard from Megan, have been meaning to ask me out on a date. Though I have always known their secret. They just can never uncover mine.
Megan and I have been shift partners since I started. She’s 40, animated, single, always complains about her weight problems, and loves men. She has been using an online dating app, and always gets ghosted. I feel bad to use the ‘D’ word, but that’s exactly what she has been projecting. Desperation. She’s fun and quirky, but her energetic blows can be too much for me a lot of times. It doesn’t annoy me one bit. As the absence of universal phenomena interjects. Hours fly faster.
We laugh, and she rambles on about men she’s hoping to meet. She fantasizes about her wedding, a sweet future with her dream man, and raising kids. I love listening to her stories and reveries. I admire her for being the way she is, and not apologizing for it. I consider her as a good friend, though I always back off from socializing outside of work. She knows me by now. She knows the boundary fence. Yet she also knows she can confide in me about anything.
I have received an alarming news from mom and dad this morning. My brother wants to elope with Leila. My little brother! Apricot! And he’s only 18! Why would he do this to himself? I’m about to faint. This cannot happen! Not on the big angel’s watch!
I’ve called Rocky, my boss, that I have to fly back home ASAP! And he just casually says, “Do what you gotta do, Rain. Do what you gotta do.” I’ve offered my shifts to Jared and Mark, and before I can even elaborate on the family emergency, they’ve already vaulted in with a ‘yes’. I’m very lucky.
Just soon after my flight is booked, Megan wobbles into my phone. “I just want you to know that I – I am very – very – very straight!” she panics. “Very! Like in a very hetero sluttish way! Like that’s all I can ever think about! Men! The physique! Their thing down there! Their awful smell! That is all I ever think about! That’s it! I just wanted you to know that!”
“Megan,” I reply, “what’s going on?”
“Anyway, some witchy gay spell has just been cast on me!” she says, running out of breath.
“What?” I pop in.
“Like a very terrifying hex! So anyway, this woman literally walks into the store with all her – whatever abracadabra thing, and I don’t know how she got me, but she got me damned good that I can’t even stop thinking about her anymore! So there! And I think Jared might be under her spell, too! But anyway – ooh! I’m so angry! Like this is my anger firing out into the universe, threatening to disturb all the planets!”
“Well, maybe it’s just a crush.”
“This is a very sad 40-year-old hetersosexual woman blabbing about her gay cupid experience, Rain! This is not a giddy 12-year-old dumping her puppy love situation on you! It’s a very sad 40-year-old straight woman who, all of a sudden, has fallen madly in love at first sight with another woman! That’s it! I’m going to die! There’s no hope for me on this planet anymore! No hope! So there! No hope! I’m telling you! No hope!”
“Megan, calm down, please. It’ll pass. It’s a casual customer, right? There’s a possibility that she might not come back anymore. It’ll go away. So don’t worry about it. Okay?”
“You can’t just tell me that? This is not gonna go away anytime soon! I just know it! My intestines know it! I know it! This is not a stomach issue that you can just remedy with a pill. Not a stomach issue, Rain. Not a -”
“Megan – Megan – if – for whatever reason – it still wouldn’t go away – don’t be afraid. Because no matter how you look at it, it’s still love. It’s just a heart falling in love with another heart. No questions asked.”
“Why are you telling me this? Why do you sound weird like that now? Considering your staunch religious background.”
“My religion has nothing to do with it. My heart does. I’m gay.”
“Why, hello, hottie lesbian friend,” she giggles. “Can I tell the boys? So we can have something to talk about while you’re away. I need something frenzy to pull me out of this gay cupid poke. So – can I?”
“That’ll be fine,” I reply.
“YES! THANK YOU!”
“Look, I gotta go pack. I’ll ring you in as soon as I get back.”
I hang up. Relieved. Smiling. Amused. Confident and comfortable. With who my heart is.
It was the first time I came out to the world.
When we look for self-worth, opportunities open up before us. Most of the time, we overlook them because our thoughts are rushing away to question other thoughts. Other times, we rush away because of fear of judgment. There are also times when we rush away, hoping to capture our own missing pieces somewhere else instead. Without one soul around.
Today I have stopped rushing away. I have stopped worrying about the control of fear of judgment. I have stopped capturing my own missing pieces somewhere else.
Because the missing pieces have been struggling to solve the puzzle inside of me for as long as I can remember.
This self-worth battle has found its resolution.
I am ready to walk on, move on, live on, and love on.
The Master Missions. Day Twenty Six.
Life will always be
kind and beautiful.
If you feel that way
– earlier today –
I’ve been noticing a pragmatic change in my voice since the Master journal birth.
I no longer sound like a cerebral robot. The cerebral robot aimed to impress literary and professional peers. My authentic self has taken over. Typical human. Typical thoughts. Typical spoken vocabulary. All the archetypal components without regard for intellectual affairs. I have become honest to myself. I have achieved integrity. By simply being me. I am being kind to my authentic self. AT LAST!!!
And it feels sooo good!!!
Now where were we?
Flight is booked!
Oh, right. Something to do today. Picking up a Toronto present for the fam. Toronto present. Something that dad would truly appreciate. Not that he dislikes Toronto that much, he just shudders at the thought of how the Metropolitan city has transformed his daughter’s life. Drastically!
Okay, Swoosh, let’s check out a vegan food store somewhere. We’re going to surprise dad with vegan meat.
Vegan meat. All the good stuff packed in there. Proteins. Good ol’ proteins.
I’ve found a vegan food store downtown. And – whoa. Artful setup. In a poetic way. It makes you want to take all the items home.
It’s a cozy small store, and most of its consumers have probably become regulars. I see two workers, a quirky woman and a collected young man, exchanging fun banters with their customers at the counter. As soon as the transaction is done and I am left alone, the two workers eerily eye me from their corner. No movement. They’re just standing there, gazing away, quietly observing.
I smile at them and say ‘hi’! They snap out of it with an awkward nudge. I approach the counter, and their discomfort builds up more. It confounds me, but I am here on purpose. And it’s impolite to run off – just because – I have become the subject of a psyched-out moment. Their name tags say, ‘Megan’ and ‘Jared’. “Megan, Jared,” I courteously address them. “Hi, hi.”
“Hi!” they squeak, then Megan clears her throat, almost in an embarrassing tact.
“Wouldn’t you guys happen to have those vegan sausages?” I ask.
“Oh! Yeah! For sure!” Megan elbows her co-worker.
“Y-yeah! I’ll, uh, I’ll uh -” Jared seconds, then turns to Megan. “Washroom break.” And he gulps.
“What?” she responds, startled. “You just went!”
“I’m really going.” And he splits away.
Megan simpers at me. “C’mon. I’ll show you.” She leads me to the ‘meat section’. “There you are. They’re made of soy, wheat gluten – They’re just not good for celiac, though. Are you celiac?” She suddenly catches herself. “I don’t know why I said that, but I said it, anyway. It’s bad to assume – things, but – whatever. I said it. And if it has offended you, I’m so sorry. But anyway, I said it. Just in case. And I’ve also apologized, so there – Are you vegan, too? Well, I am. And I take it for granted. That’s why I’ve been having weight issues. I mean, I’m not really that fat, but – you know what I mean? They’re just so good, and I can’t help myself. Thinking that they’re good for me and whatnot. So I eat more than I should. I eat and eat and eat – It’s all I do pretty much. Because you know, we all get sad about things. I get sad about a lot of things. I mean, living on this planet can be exhausting, especially when you’re looking for something very special that you can’t find, and then you pity yourself. So you end up with a huge plate in front of you, covered with a load of food. You know, to make you believe that things are still okay, though they’re not. But you still believe that you’re okay, and food helps you remember that -”
“Megan -” I have to make her stop. My heart has just been dumped into the empathy socket, and its electrical function will spark on for the longest time. “You’re beautiful,” I say.
“People say that to me all the time,” she replies. “For – you know – comfort. And it makes me sadder. Now I don’t know why I’m telling you all this, but I’m telling you, anyway. And it’s not right. You’re here for vegan sausages, let’s just get on with the business run instead. After I’ve already humiliated myself, so – there. I’ve humiliated myself, but I’m not sorry for it, anyway, and I don’t know why. It’s super weird, but – anyway -”
“Megan,” I interrupt her, “I get sad about things, too. But you know what I’d do? I completely detach myself from situations and expectations that tell me, ‘you’re not good enough’ or ‘you’re never gonna find what you’re looking for’! I’ve just learned to be kind to me. I’ve also learned to live my life without expectations. I’ve stopped worrying about things. And it makes me feel sooo good inside that my heart says, ‘you’re beautiful enough, and that’s all you need to know to keep moving’.”
“I feel like I’ve heard this speech before. I feel like my friend has already said the same thing to me. Just recently. I think it must have been a few days ago or something. Not sure. But just very recently. Oh, she’s also just as hot as you – Damn it. I can’t believe I’ve just said that, but I’ve said it, anyway – And you two seem to have the same – vibration. You know, the unearthly kind of vibration. Reflective – the whole thing. Universe. That kind of thing. But anyway -”
“I’ve also heard the same thing from my sister.”
The Metaphysical sense jump. “Uh, Megan, so sorry to cut you off, but I really have to go now. So which one do you think I should pick?”
She grabs one item from the display. “This one! It’s yummy! Yummy yummy yummy!”
Swoosh! There’s something about this place that makes me want to come back! Whatever it is –
It’s an absolute done deal!
Friday 19 July 2019
Wherever you may be.
I want you to know
that this hopeful feeling
exists without expectations.
I hope that something
beautiful in your life.
Also gives you the same.
Hopeful feeling.– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
The flight is at 12.09 p.m.
I have arrived at the airport three hours early. My big angel nerves have already been tapping around in a volatile motion. My little brother has been messaging me all morning, expounding his love philosophy. It may be right. It may be true. However, he is yet to see and realize the truths for himself. I suppose he’s smart and brave enough to place his confidence in his idea of love. Regardless, it is not happening on big angel’s watch.
I line up for coffee as my thoughts stray into my past. When all my heart and soul was only poured into Jazzelle. When all I ever wanted to do was to be with her. When life gave me so much love and so much bliss that I still wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. It was a dreamland. It was a waking dream. It was the dream that any heart could only dream of. And I lived in it. I was lucky.
“Hi!” the cashier greets me. “How may I help you?”
“May I please get a large cup of a quarter of french vanilla, a quarter of plain coffee, and half caramel latte?” I say.
“I’ve never heard anyone order that before,” she says.
“Sorry,” I reply. “My partner’s coffee. That’s how she would always order her coffee.”
“Would -?” she pries.
“She died five years ago,” I say in a defying tone.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” she says sympathetically.
I glance at her name tag. “It’s okay, Amelia.”
As I wait for my order, my little brother dares to drop me a call. I hesitate to answer it, but – “Apricot, we’ll talk about it later,” I dart through the mouthpiece right away. “I can’t talk right now.”
“I’m sorry,” he says. “Where are you, though? Sounds a little hissy in the background.”
“Can we talk later, please?”
“Are you mad at me, big angel?”
“Worried is the word,” I say. “We’ll talk. I promise. Bye.” I hang up.
“A quarter of french vanilla, a quarter of plain coffee, and half caramel latte!” a barista announces.
I pick it up. “Thank you.”
I whiz back into the packed waiting area and savor Jazzelle’s coffee. God, I miss her. But I miss her without a thorn of grief anymore. I miss her with gratitude filling up in my heart. How grateful I am to have lived in a love dream, to have been loved unconditionally, and to have loved with a deep-seated joy.
‘You will find her. And she will love you more than I ever do. Because you are very special.’
Her words give me the hopeful feeling.
The Master Missions. Day Twenty Seven.
To learn more.
To live in it.
To treat it
The same way as
she had given me
and made me feel.
Swoosh! Why is the Halifax flight waiting area jammed full?
Are my Atlantic homies getting sick of Toronto now?
Let’s go grab coffee.
In honor of our sudden home visit, we’ll indulge in her favorite. I still remember what it was, and it rolls into my head every time I do my coffee swing.
Why do I always read the name tags first? Not that I’m complaining about my spasmodic self, but most humans would initially ignore them in a ‘Let’s just get down to business and give me what I want’ manner. Sad. “Hey, Amelia,” I greet the cashier. “How are you?”
“Good, thanks,” she replies, smiling, almost mesmerized. “And how are you today?”
“Couldn’t be better,” I say.
“Great!” Her peppy face tells me I have made her day. “So what can I get for you?”
“This may sound a little complicated, but – Okay, here we go. May I please get a quarter of french vanilla, a quarter of plain coffee, and half -”
“Half caramel latte in a large cup?”
Stunned! “E-excuse me? H-How did you -?”
“A nice girl ordered the same thing a while ago,” she confesses.
“A nice girl?” I am shot to pieces! “W-what do you mean -? That’s just impossible. My – um – girlfriend – She liked her coffee this way – And she -”
“Liked?” she mutters dejectedly. “It’s probably the same person then.”
“Same person – W-what? I’m sorry – I don’t understand -”
“She said it was how her partner would normally order her coffee.”
Oh – my – god! A thunderous bang has just galvanized my overall energy! “Did she say something else – about her partner?”
She looks down. “She died five years ago.”
Got yah! It thrills me up! “Well, you remember what she looks like or – or – what she’s wearing?”
She glims at me. “I don’t know why I’ve got the same vibe from both of you. It’s kinda weird. Like – you both seem to have the same – I don’t know – but – you don’t look the same, though – Just the same – vibe – Same good-hearted kind of vibe or something. I could be wrong, but -”
“Amelia, please tell me – what does she look like? What kind of outfit she’s wearing?”
“She’s gorgeous, like you!”
“Can we please scratch that part? What about her hair? Is it blonde, blue -”
“Red. Curly. Long. She’s wearing white top, and -”
My phone intersects. It’s Lucy! The vulnerable heart who stands out the most! What the – Okay, yes, I’ve been thinking of calling her to apologize, but – how could it fireback like this? While I’m in the middle of investigating some divine order of meeting my first and last love’s – last love! Who most definitely loved her more – a million times more – than I could have possibly loved her! What is this spooky trick for? “Excuse me, Amelia,” I say. “Be right back.” I turn away to respond to the karmic call – “Hey, Lucy. How’s it going?”
“I’ve got -” she gasps, struggling to breathe, “- a serious abdominal pain -”
“What?” I panic.
“And I – I don’t know why – I thought of calling you – instead -”
“Lucy, hang in there! Where are you?”
“My – p-place -”
“I’m calling 911!”
“No, Ash – I – I want you – to get here – first – Please -”
“I’ll be there as fast as I can!” I gallop my way out of the airport terminal. “Lucy, stay with me on the phone! You don’t have to say anything! Just don’t say anything! I just want to make sure you’re okay!”
“Ash -” she utters.
I can’t help but weep out a heartache! “Lucy, please! Don’t say anything! Hang in there! I’ll be right with you! Just hang in there!”
“I’m – sorry – if – I’m causing – you – some trouble -” she wheezes.
The heartache deepens! Tears snarl down! Panic clamors on! I’m shaking! “Lucy! You’re not causing me any trouble! Please, don’t say that! I’m coming! I’m on my way! I’m coming!”
I’m already going berserk as I approach a cab – “Please! I need to go right now!” I plead to the driver. “There’s been an emergency!”
He instantly jumps out of the vehicle. “Let me help you with that!” He snatches my small suitcase and dunks it into the trunk. “Let’s go!”
“Thank you!” I slide into the back seat, and he is now poised behind the steering wheel. “Lucy, what’s your complete address?” I ask, and she exerts a lot of breathing effort to articulate it out on the line. I pass it on to the driver, terror-stricken. I can’t even think of anything else anymore but fly to her at this very moment.
I would rather die first!
The driver’s empathy races on, along with an angelic magic! No traffic! The roads are all clear and smooth! As I listen to Lucy’s panting while remorse and agony beat me up to their inmost nubs.
The cab pulls up in front of a low-rise apartment building. I pay the driver and zip out into the open air, then grab my suitcase and run to the entrance. “Lucy, I’m here!” I announce on the phone. I don’t hear a response. My heartache is now ready to SCREAM!!! “Lucy!” She murmurs something. It signals a little bit of relief. Then the entrance door buzzes. I whisk inside and haste up to her suite. I arrive at her door and give it an eccentric knock. “Lucy!” I turn the knob. And –
She is curled up on the floor, with her arms pressed against her stomach. Moaning in extreme pain. “A-Ash -”
I rush to her aid and caress her hair, then kiss her on the forehead. “Don’t move, baby. It’ll be all right now.” I call 911 and explain the emergency to the operator – as Lucy fights her way to put her head on my thigh. I help her settle, and she closes her eyes. Despite the physical grind, peace draws across her face. And a subtle smile. And a teardrop.
Swoosh! How could I ever hurt this vulnerable heart? She is a beautiful angel. Who gave me all the purest love she could have probably ever given to anybody.
My heart prays for another chance.
Though this time around, I want to make everything right. With a new heart to offer. With everything new and beautiful bedazzling out of it.
And it’s an absolute done deal!
Saturday 20 July 2019
Wherever you may be.
I hope that your self-worth.
Is found beside somebody.
Who loves you.
And you love.– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
Church. Just another church. Without a religious label attached to it. A place for grounding. A reminder of moral integrity and virtuous capacity. A reminder of inner-holiness in humans. Simple reminders. They can be redundant. But constant mindfulness is necessary sometimes. Especially when negativity harms my truths, inducing me to question them. Are they really my truths?
I have nothing against my family’s religion as it has become a motivational substance in my character. Dad is a pastor after all. However, I would still like to believe that it was my parents’ love and warmth that truly impacted my individuality. In this day and age, behavior and thinking define spiritual levels. Not religions. Though all religions agree on one powerful thing.
The Bible preaches about it a lot. Love your fellows. Love all mankind. Love God. Always. It is the main theme. It seems to be the best rule to live. And it should be. All that. Is. Love.
What IT doesn’t always say is how to practice self-love. Self-care. Self- worth. Which makes love even more divine.
My self-worth still lacks its truth. I may have found something special in it, but it’s still not good enough.
What would make it good enough?
There’s another question.
Walking on. Moving on.
Coming out to my family.
Coming out to my work family.
Deciding to live a simple life because it makes me feel happy.
Keeping my emotional and mental health balanced.
All good enough.
Should I still ask more questions?
Yes. As I’m back home. To confront my mirror-self. My little brother.
I met Leila yesterday as soon as I arrived. A charming and kindhearted 18-year-old girl. She works at her family’s flower shop. She looks content and confident. She looks as if she knows exactly where her life is heading. It’s a good sign. I admire her tenacity and principles. And I love her already. She seems to reflect my little brother’s character in a lot of ways.
But not good enough for me.
Mom and dad are busy in the kitchen. I sit down with my little brother in the front porch. He already knows what I’m after. It agitates him. But he puts on a brave face for the big angel talk. Regardless.
“I can’t believe you flew back just for this,” he says.
“Because I wanted you to feel my heart,” I reply.
“I can feel your heart even from hundreds or thousands of miles away. I knew you wouldn’t approve of it. But you’ve gotta understand, it’s what my heart wants. It’s what our hearts want. Mine and Leila’s. We already knew from our first meeting that we were meant to be together. There’s no other way to explain it. We just knew. We can’t deny it. We both feel it very strongly – Isn’t that what you and Jazzelle felt for each other? That’s why you dropped out of college, and you two moved in together? As a couple, by the way. Not as roommates. The way that you made us all believe.”
“Apricot, do you have any idea how upset she was when I dropped out? She wouldn’t even eat. She would look at me and say, ‘I really just want you to find your self-worth. I want you to find happiness, not only in our love, but in the love that you can offer to the world. If you don’t see a future in Psychology, look for something else that your heart knows can give you more emotional fulfillment. If writing draws you to deliver your faithful messages of love or answer your life questions, then study literature and learn more. Grow your heart and mind. Just keep growing. We live to grow. Out of love and self-worth.’ And she would tell me this pretty much every night. Mom and dad respected my decision. But Jazzelle – she would keep on reminding me of the parameters of my actions. And trust me, my tantrums would fly me out into the balcony, then she would find a way to comfort my stubborn mind. It was why she worked too hard. To finish her degree. To achieve her goals. Because those goals were not only for her. They were for me as well. Looking back now, do I see my self-worth in any of those goals? In all her achievements? Yes, in a way. Because I might have inspired her all along. At the same time, I was selfish to both of us. And you already know what happened – Recently, I’ve questioned my self-worth. I won’t deny the fact that my work life makes me feel content and secure. The people that I work for and my colleagues have become family. We’ve become a happy family. I’ve decided to keep it. Because that’s what my heart wants. Also, I won’t deny the fact that there’s a voice inside of me that keeps on shouting and telling me to do something special. To know my self-worth more. I may know what it is, but I’m just about to find that out for myself. I’m telling you this because I don’t want you to get to that point one day when things become so frustrating. That you question your self-worth. And then there’s this voice screaming in your heart that there’s something more to yourself than just being a husband and father. Then you get depressed, angry, and you lose your love truths. You and Leila might have already made a love decision. But you haven’t made a life decision yet. Would your love give you emotional fulfillment? Sure. Would you find your self-worth in it? Yes. But should it just stop and end right there? What about the other beautiful things that you two would like to be doing to define your own self-worth? Your very own self-worth. To achieve something wonderful. Something that you can tell your kids, ‘I’ve done this! And it’s an awesome feeling! Now what would you like to do to make you feel awesome about yourselves?’ – Do you feel my heart more, Apricot? Do you understand why I flew back home? Just for this?”
He ponders on it and drops a tear. “Y-yeah. I – I do.”
I wrap my arm around him. “No matter what, you will always be sitting in the little brother throne.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“For sure. Hit it.”
He looks me in the eye. “Have you fully found your self-worth yet?”
I simply smile. “Right here, Apricot. I’ve fully found it right here.”
The Master Missions. Day Twenty Seven.
Loving her more
than she has ever loved me.
Loving her more
than love can ever show.
Loving her more
than what love means.
An appendectomy emergency operation was performed on Lucy yesterday.
She is recovering well now, and should be out of the hospital in a couple of days. I’ve been doing all the runs in her behalf, though in some emerging opportunities, I would proudly come forward as her partner. Romantic partner. Lover. Significant other.
The truth. We dated on and off for almost three years. I dated her without a heart to share. She was always there for my passionate convenience. She was also there to take great care of me. To cook for me. Run my errands. Even do my laundry. All of it never mattered. And in all of it, my heart remained cold. She would barge into my place unannounced just to make sure I was okay. If I was eating right. If I even cleaned my washroom. Or if I did what I was set out to do. While groceries and goodies would invade my kitchen table and all the side tables. Adorned by her full hands.
She would also know if I were spending time or fooling around with other women. She would intuitively know. I would look at her, and she would just know. She would never say anything about it, and she would go her way. All she would tell me, ‘Just buzz me in whenever you’re free.’ I would, and she would be there. Without harsh words. Without drama. She was already happy enough that I called. That I wanted her.
Until rumors floated around. Of me and her. That could potentially damage my sexual arrogance towards other women I was lusting after. It was when I delivered an imperious speech. To cut ties between us. For good. It was when, for the very first time, I saw her cry. Yet my heart still remained cold.
Months have passed. Now here we are.
Her call alone has awakened me to the purest love. My heart has changed. It has grown without arrogance. It has grown with pride of being with her. Staying. Taking care of her. Loving her.
For the first time, I am falling in love. With truth and pride in my heart.
Lucy. My only truth and pride.
Swoosh! It’s an absolute done deal!
AN ABSOLUTE DONE DEAL!!!
And I will keep her with all my heart!
Sunday 21 July 2019
Wherever you may be right now.
I hope you have already learned.
What true love
really means.– Rain
Dear Dream Girl,
I fritter time away to visit my little brother at his workplace before my evening flight back to Toronto.
The moment I shamble inside, a fairy-like teenage girl is by the counter, sharing a fun giggle with apricot. I half pause to amuse myself, but they notice my presence in a whiff. Instantly, the fairy-like phenomenon, who, for some strange reason – yet in the most charismatic way – has won my heart without a single doubt in my spirit.
She drops her jaw upon seeing me, then turns to my little brother, who sticks his chin up with a proud smile. “Is that her?” she asks, wide-eyed.
“Big angel,” my little brother replies. “There she is.”
“Oh my god!” She lopes towards me. “Hi! I’m Astrid! Ryan’s friend! It’s sooo awesome to have finally met you! Oh my god oh my god oh my god!”
“Hey hey,” I laugh. “Relax, darling.”
She freezes, overwhelmed, trembling. “W-what?” she exhales.
It has caught me off guard. “What’s the matter?”
“My sister calls me darling,” she replies. “This is so weird. So weird!” She turns to my little brother, palpitating. “Rye! Help me out here! I can’t even breathe anymore!”
“What’s going on?” I ask my little brother.
“It’s the one that I’ve told you about,” he clues me in. “Her sister. She also lives in Toronto. Remember? I’ve asked you if you could meet up with her and stuff. ‘Cause Astrid and I both feel like -”
“You two belong in each other’s lives!” Astrid proclaims with so much faith. Childlike. Without knowledge of my ‘love truths’. Or does she know? And judging by her confident tone, it’s a strong indication that her sister is – also gay.
I give my little brother a supplicating look. He shakes his head as an intuitive response. So Astrid doesn’t know. Yet ‘her own truth’ overpowers her emotions. “Darling,” I tell her, “if it’s meant to happen, it would happen.”
“My sister also said the same thing!” she starts to panic. “And I feel like – you two are kind of the same. Like – I feel the same around you. Same kind of feeling. And it makes me feel happy! Really truly happy! Though it’s more like – when I catch the sun, the moon, the heavens, and the beauty of Nova Scotia! That kind of feeling! And it makes me feel even happier! A lot happier!” She switches her eyes to my little brother. “Rye! Didn’t you feel the same way, too, when I introduced you to my sister?”
“I’ve already told big angel that!” my little brother responds, then sends me an appeal, “You two should definitely meet up! Definitely!”
“I’m calling her this second!” Astrid slips out her phone from her back pocket.
“No, please don’t!” I object. “Please. We’re not gonna bother her over this.”
“But -” Her mesmeric green eyes mist up. “- please – If only you could meet her. Please. It’s really important. I feel like – it’s way more important than anything else in my life right now. Please!”
I take a glimpse of my little brother. Whose marvelous eyes share with Astrid’s sentiment. My heart is engulfed by their innocent propensity. “I’ve still got some time to while away,” I inform her. “Would you like to take a walk or something?”
“YES! ABSOLUTELY!” she rejoices.
“We’ll grab something here first,” I say.
“You’re buying?” She gleams.
“Of course.” I smile at my little brother. “Got something – a little healthy – for her?” He smirks, and Astrid frowns. It cracks me up. “What’s wrong now?” I ask her.
“She grabs ‘the usual’!” my little brother laughs.
“And what’s that?” I ask.
“Double burger loaded up with mayo, and large fries coated with seasoning salt,” my little brother replies.
I look at Astrid. “That’s really really super bad for you. You can’t have that.”
“Can’t you be different when it comes to my eating habits?” she mumbles, pouting.
“You’re not giving her that again,” I remind my little brother.
“Yes, ma’am,” he agrees.
“Let’s go somewhere else instead,” I order Astrid.
“I can’t believe my sister’s clone is just as uptight about my food consumption,” she complains.
I settle her for a Mexican grill option. We sit in the restaurant, as she charms me with rapturous ease. She blimps out on her burrito so fast as if it’s the best thing she has ever had. “Hey, slow down,” I say.
“It’s my new ‘usual’ now,” she says. “Thank you for this.”
“You’re very welcome,” I reply.
“About my sister, by the way -”
“Darling, we’re not here to talk about your sister.”
“I just wanted you to feel better.”
“Well, I don’t feel better now. I thought -”
“Trust me. If it’s meant to happen, it’ll happen. Just not this way. The way that you and my little brother want our meeting to happen.”
“But – big angel -” She pauses and looks at me. “You don’t mind me calling you big angel, too, do you?”
“No no,” I giggle. “Not at all. It’s flattering, actually.”
“‘Cause Rye always talks about you as big angel. So I guess I got used to it. So I’m calling you the same. ‘Cause it feels real and right to me. And it makes me feel really really happy.”
“It also feels real and right to me – calling you darling.”
She smiles. “Would you give me your phone number?”
“For sure,” I say. “Yeah, no problem.”
“My sister went through something very difficult for a very long time since she moved to Toronto. That’s why she hardly spoke to me. But she’s been making up for it now, though. And I understood why she did what she did. I love her to death, but I guess she loves me more. And my only wish in the world is for her to find her other wing. That’s what she’s hoping for.”
“Her – other wing?”
“Her true love. Something like that. But I think it means more than that, really. I think it means – being with somebody who turns love into something more grand and beautiful everyday for a lifetime.”
“That’s the most beautiful way to put it.”
“And I believe you and my sister can do that for each other,” she says.
The Master Missions. Day Twenty Eight.
I may never measure up
with the exuberant love
that she has shown me.
But I will make sure
that her heart is taken care of
in the most miraculous ways
that my heart can do.
I kiss Lucy on the forehead and hold her hand.
She responds with a dreamy smile. She’s still recovering from the surgery, a little pale, sapped, yet fully aware. She studies my ‘new look’ for a bit, somewhat confused for a while, in sheer silence – then caresses my necromantic necklace, feeling it – feeling its magic, perhaps. And she looks at me, spellbound. While her kind eyes tingle into my skin. And I want to cry my heart out. Again. This time, right in front of her.
The cry that was once obscure. The emotional stroke that she would never have thought I would be capable of feeling. In an innate dash, she knows what’s in my heart. She knows I’m about to patch into tears. She simply knows.
“Ash, don’t,” she kindly warns me. “Don’t do it. It’s done. Let’s leave it.”
“I’m -” I put on a courageous face. “- I’m really glad you called – Had I found out about it from someone else, I would have never forgiven myself.”
“Well – you were the first one that came through my mind, and I would never know why.”
“I think I might know why.”
“Why?” she giggles.
“Because I couldn’t stop thinking about you long before,” I reply. “And I had been meaning to call, but -”
“But something came up.”
“It’s not what you think. Absolutely not. I haven’t been – fooling around. I’ve just been going through something, and it’s hard to explain it, but it’s something – beautiful – and kind – and all these wonderful things that still puzzle me to this day because I don’t even know where they’ve all come from, but I’ve just been following – all this mystical blueprint without questions – because it all makes me feel so renewed and – so new in a marvelous way. But really, believe me, I would still reach out at a given time. I would. I truly would.”
“I believe you.” She smiles. “‘Cause I feel it. I feel the change. I see and feel – the beauty and kindness. And I love it.”
“Really?” I say, relieved.
“I can read you, Ash. You know that. And that’s the weirdest part of it all. Yet also the hardest for me. But I don’t wanna dwell on the past anymore. That time had already found its end – I just want to get out of the hospital now. When will I be discharged, though? Did they say?”
“Tomorrow morning. I can’t wait anymore either. I can’t wait for us to do things together, and go wild, and -”
“What?” she laughs, interrupting me.
“I wanna be with you, Lucy,” I profess. “I wanna make it right. I wanna be with you, not because I feel remorseful, and definitely not because I pity you for what has just happened, but because I’ve realized that I am meant to be with you and you’re the only one that I can ever love for the rest of my life. All the signs have already been shown to me, all your love has already been proven to its full distinction, and all that my heart prays right now is for you to allow me to take care of you and love you because – because I know, my heart knows, that being with you – is – is – happiness. And I pray to accomplish love and life this way. Being with you – Will you give me this chance?”
She pauses to contemplate. “Ash -”
I stir out tears. “Please -”
She catches my pinkie finger. “I haven’t even said a word yet. Don’t be so dramatic.”
“Oh, baby, please!” I giggle, amused, wiping off my tears.
“Well, the nurses have already stuck their noses into – our ‘supposed serious romance’ – so -”
“Really? What did they say?”
“Oh, they’d just keep on horning about you. Like – ‘your partner has been pacing around, so worried sick about the surgery!’ – ‘we’ve just informed your partner that this so and so must be done’ – And my most favorite of all – ‘your partner is so hot!’ – And I wouldn’t be surprised to find out if they had already flirted with you, as it always steams on pretty much everywhere you go. This Ash dominion could even be a curse. Scary.”
“Are you jealous?”
“Don’t push it!” she laughs.
“You’re jealous, aren’t you?” I tease.
“That’s what I wanted to hear.”
“They told me you were so proud, like deeply proud,” she says.
“I was,” I reply. “I am. I will always be proud.”
“It feels like a dream, Ash. It’s a dream.”
“If it were a dream, then it’s a dream come true for me.”
“Have you ever cleaned your washroom for once?”
“Babe, you wouldn’t believe what I had done to my place.”
“I’m scared to look.”
“You’d love it.”
“What did you do?” she asks.
“I got rid of all the bad and unworthy,” I say. “I got rid of my old spasmodic self.”
She smiles, and we kiss.
The kiss of all the kindest and purest love. The beauty of life.
My life. With her.
It’s an absolute done deal!