Cozy

The Dream Girl Alchemy – Part Three

Log Line: On the same day, a divine intervention is granted to two strangers that catapults them to spiralled challenges of their lives. What's the powerful mystery working behind it? Genre: Drama/Magical Realism

Monday 08 July 2019

Wherever you may be.

I hope your heart

feels better.

Always.

– Rain
Rain

Dear Dream Girl,

It’s a miracle how I’ve survived five years pretending.

How I’ve numbed myself to grief. How I’ve lived through daily routines without care. How I’ve locked my heart and mind away. How I’ve found solace in darkness.

David’s principle inspires me to accomplish the most formidable tasks. Healing and releasing. I’m hoping to arrive at the conclusion in time. To remove the roadblocks. To define my truest intentions. To be free. Otherwise, I wouldn’t meet you at all.

My little brother’s silence is helping me resolve my own issues alone. I have to align with my thoughts. I have to raise all the red flags myself. I have to storm into the hermetic retreat. Here. Within the confines of my murky room. Within the spoken truths of my heartbeat. Within who I am.

I’m open to a new realm of ideas. For all the new to emerge. New heart. New mind. New reality. New beliefs. New foundation.

Meditation. First Day.

“I am human. With mind and spirit. Are mind and spirit one? Or are they two different elements interconnecting together to influence a heart. What does a heart do inside of me? I might have answered this question before, but it didn’t satisfy me that much. There is also the work of a subconscious. It is found in the brain. In the mind. Is the mind more powerful than the heart? Does the mind dictate what I’m supposed to feel? If the mind commands my emotions, how do I stop it? What do I feel right now? I feel helpless and afraid. The helplessness comes from grief. The fear comes from unforgiving myself. I feel hopeless that I may not have the power to move forward to meet her. I am human. I’ve hurt a lot of people. And this hurt will stand still for a lifetime. I lost my first and last love. And this grief keeps on getting stronger and stronger everyday. All I do is lie. I keep lying to myself that I’m brave enough to end it all. Yet I still believe that courage can perform its own magic. Somehow. Allow me to feel it. Please let me feel it. Let me feel it. Even just for once. As I am human. I deserve to own it, too. Even just for a little while longer.”

Prayer. First Day.

“Jazzelle, my first and last love. Wherever you are, I know the angels are with you. The angels who watched over you since you were born. Now you are one of them. I bet your piano playing makes heaven even more beautiful and enchanting. Your presence alone is beautiful and enchanting enough for them. I miss you so much. I miss everything about you. I miss your touch. Please forgive me. Forgive me. I didn’t know any better. Forgive me. And I will always love you.”

Yours truly,

Rain


The Master Missions. Day Sixteen.

I’ve forgotten how dysfunctional my family is.

The unconventional kind of dysfunctional.

Funny.

Warm.

Happy.

Ash

Ash

Halifax, Nova Scotia.

Swoosh! We’re back home!

Hmm. The air smells different. Fresh. Life. Love. Happiness. And – BEAUTY!!!

Let’s go and surprise them!

We’re only staying here for a week. Let’s make the most of it. Let’s accomplish it. Let’s free us!

Switch courage on. Baam! All systems go. We’re ready to roll.

Swoosh, how are you feeling, by the way?

Yeah, I know. It’s frightening. More frightening than the dilapidated crowd all over downtown Toronto during the Basketball Championship Parade. Well, it’s a beautiful day of summer. Focusing on all the beauty that we’ve come here for should scrunch it away. No matter how much our nerves boohoo for mercy all along.

The cab pulls up in front of the house. I see movements inside. They’re home. As I pay the driver, my sister dashes outside, screaming and going giddy. She’s 16 now, and our resemblance appears to have been sculpted by the hands of an angel. And I’m proud of it!

“She’s here! She’s here! She’s home!” my sister cheers, then mom and dad surface into the light.

Astrid

I jump out of the cab, and we stifle each other with hugs and kisses. “Oh darn it, beautiful!” I moan, caressing her face. “I so missed you!”

Her hysteria overwhelms the serene atmosphere. “I missed you! I missed you sooo much! You’ve no idea!”

“I do. Sure, I do.”

“No, you don’t. You’ve been busy with your men.”

It kicks into my stomach that I’d rather forget the existence of my digestive organs.

Mom and dad, though still in shock of my surprise visit, tread forward. I embrace them both at once, then dad gapes at me while mom struggles to find an understanding, as my sister grabs my luggage and takes it inside, with the happiest smile I have ever seen in my entire life.

“What happened?” dad wonders, gulping.

“Big family announcement to make or what?” mom interrogates.

“Maybe,” I reply, puffing up courage.

“Oh God help us!” Dad scratches his forehead.

“I’m making a huge steak,” mom suggests. “It would alleviate the great anticipation.”

“Mom,” I say, “I’m vegetarian.”

“Since when?” my parents bolt in chorus.

“Since I landed in Toronto,” I reply.

“This Toronto thing is too much for my nervous barbs now,” dad says. “Unreal.”

“So we’re going vegetarian everytime you’re home?” mom groans.

“Mom!” I giggle. “It’s only for a week this time. Don’t fuss.”

“I think we should definitely go vegetarian,” dad considers it. “I’d like that.”

“Vegetarian your steak butt!” mom picks on him. “You can’t even last a day without this cow bone served on your plate!”

“Well, maybe we should try,” dad says. “And everytime I crave, I should think of a very sad butcher house. That’ll work.”

Mom looks at me. “You and your dad. You think alike. Astrid is becoming like him, too. I feel very left out in this family.”

Swoosh, we will win this.

And it’s an absolute done deal!


Tuesday 09 July 2019

Wherever you may be.

I hope you already know.

How much you love.

Those who love you.

– Rain

Dear Dream Girl,

Meditation. Second Day.

I am hoping to connect with my heart. I need to understand my emotions.

“But how do I identify them? Where do they come from? Are they different from feelings? For example, my emotion towards a cup of coffee is thrill. It signals the start of day. It demands movements. It prepares me for what’s to come. So then – where does a feeling reside in this? Is it the excitement of having coffee? Or after having it. While I’m having it, my thoughts wander, introducing me to life images – past, present, future, and the in-betweens. I can’t hold on to one emotion as it’s all intertwined. And every life image is supposed to make me feel something, yet I can’t focus on one alone as they all run around like sets of collages. This is when confusion raves into fear of being stuck. Solution? Pretense. Going numb. Not caring. Whereas, after having coffee, I’m back to the first thought component. The start of day. Movements. Preparation. I look forward to a thrill. Without an attachment of feelings. I simply look forward to getting through a day. That’s the thrill. So how do I connect with my heart in this daily scenario? I’ve decided to just feel the excitement of having coffee itself. One emotion. Excitement. One image. Now moment. Sitting at my table or in my balcony, feeling the excitement of just having coffee – should be enough.”

Prayer. Second Day.

“Jazzelle, my first and last love. I cannot write poetry. I cannot write the best love letter for you. My grief is powerless to do so. And even if I had already come out of it, all the beautiful words would never be enough to describe you. Remembering you, with all the beauty and love you had ever given, is eloquent enough. I hope you have already forgiven me. Once I feel your forgiveness, then I would probably forgive myself, too. You would apologize incessantly once you’d turn up 5 or 10 minutes late, and I would then tease you to kiss me in public. You would apologize like a child once you couldn’t stay up so late because you had to study for an exam, and I would still bother you around for kisses. You would apologize as if tomorrow would never come once you had to go away to perform at a church concert in a nearby province, and you would tag me along instead because you didn’t want to leave me behind. You loved me with all your heart -”

Would you help me find the answer?

Would you help me find the truths?

How much did I love you?

Yours truly,

Rain


The Master Missions. Day Seventeen.

He has an angelic smile,

much like my sister’s.

I feel his warmth and

virtuous character

right away

as he engages with

his lone customer.

Ash

Swoosh, we cannot procrastinate anymore. We’ll make it happen tonight.

Are you sure about that?

Really! Now you have the nerve to confront me! Out loud! Gee. Is this for real? Or a psychotic episode. Dear god. I hope my sanity is still in place amidst the delirious transformation.

Mom and dad are still at work. They’re both social workers. Dedicated to human care. And it’s not an exaggeration. My sister is a testament to their values. And I am one of the huge fans of their hearts!

My sister and I indulge the rest of our afternoon by the waterfront. She keeps on caressing my long curly black hair and admiring all my moves, and I’m drawn to plant a kiss on her temple each time.

“May I please have burger and fries?” she pleads. “Please please! Pretty please!”

“Darling,” I reply, “I don’t want you consuming these things.”

“Just this one time! Please, Ashie! Please!”

“Okay, fine. Where would you like to go?”

“My friend works at this burger place nearby. Let’s go see him.”

Just a friend?”

“Yeah. Why? Can’t I have a male friend?”

“Sure, you can. Absolutely. I was hoping he meant more than just a friend to you, that’s all.”

“Not gonna happen. Besides, he’s already got a girlfriend, and they’re perfect for each other. He’s just been very kind and nice to me. And very protective, too. We met at a book fair in school just last year, and he’s become my beautiful life since, away from reading. C’mon. I’ll introduce you.”

We walk into a fast food place, and a young man catches my attention in a heart’s snap. He’s working behind one of the cash registers, tending to an elderly lady.

My sister and I approach the counter, and his genuine beam greets us. “Hey, Astrid!” he says. “What’s the youthful energy today?”

“Look! Who has come home!” my sister prides.

He smiles at me. In a cherubic hook. “Oh! Your sister! Wow! You look just as stunning as you do in the photos! Name’s Ryan, by the way!” He extends his hand to me.

I meet it courteously. “Ash.”

“Ashie!” he flicks. “Yeah! Astrid can’t stop talking about you! She missed you a lot! She missed you everyday! And she would even -”

“Rye!” my sister reprimands him.

“- cry – to – me -” he continues meekly.

“Oh my god.” I kiss my sister on the face. “Darling -” I whisper into her ear, “- I’ll make it up to you. I promise.”

“Do you really mean it this time?” she whispers back.

“Yes. I do. I do.” I squeeze her hand.

“This reminds me of me and my sister,” he says. “She lives in Toronto, too.”

“Yeah,” my sister seconds. “And she’s also as stunning as you, Ashie!”

A trace of an emboldened thought transpires in Ryan’s eyes. “Y-yeah. She surely is.” And he clears his throat.

I brush it off and turn to my sister. “Darling, what are you having?”

She winks at him. “The usual, please.”

I grimace at her. “The usual?”

“I’m sorry,” she moans, lowering her head.

“How many times a week does she come here for ‘the usual’?” I address Ryan.

He squirms. “Well – um -”

“I’m dead, aren’t I?” my sister groans at him.

He nods. “Pretty much.”

“This is the last one, young lady,” I quietly scorn my sister. “The last one, you understand?”

“Okay,” she murmurs, tearing up.

Ryan grants me a meaningful smile.

Swoosh! There’s something magical going on here! And whatever it may be –

It’s an absolute done deal!


Wednesday 10 July 2019

Wherever you may be.

I hope you have been listening.

To your heart.

That only needs.

One beautiful feeling.

One beautiful moment.

One beautiful memory.

To be happy.

– Rain

Dear Dream Girl,

Meditation. Third Day.

I have to say every word out loud, though in a soft tone. So I can hear my heart. Very well.

“What it tells me, what it desires, what it deserves, what it needs to be happy, and what it must do to achieve self-worth. I must learn to forget my mind’s rampage. As it controls me to stay still – in grief and fears at once. I must only focus on my heartbeat, and how its pump makes me feel or creates a feeling. A beautiful feeling. Now I have to choose which beautiful feeling it desires to feel. How about – the amusing yet embarrassing feeling of coming out to my parents. Don’t you think that counts as a beautiful one? How mom gasped with an ‘ugh’, and said, ‘I thought it was never gonna happen!’ How dad’s calm composure breathed into the air, along with a ‘Yup!’ – as if he was just responding to mom’s strict reminder, ‘Did you take your pill?’ – Oh, it’s not only beautiful. It’s hilarious! And it’s making me laugh so hard now! – There. I’ve learned the technique of allowing my heart to feel happiness thumping out of one moment. One beautiful moment. One beautiful feeling. One is already good enough. And that’s what my heart needs.”

Prayer. Third Day.

“Jazzelle, my first and last love. I’m sure you’ve heard my plea. To help me find the answer. How much did I love you? Or did I even love you based on love truths? Did you ever feel it faithfully? Did you ever question my love integrity for once? Did you ever believe that what I was doing was wrong? When I look back, I feel it in my heart that it was selfish. I was inconsiderate and stubborn. You nurtured me. But I never cared for you at all. Or did I? I craved immensely for your time. Our time spent together. It was all that mattered so much to me. You needed time for all your special and important duties, but I would snatch you away instead. Though now I find it hard to believe as to how you managed it all. Having me in the way and running home to be with me. Or dismissing some of your engagements early on because I was already whining. And you’d be in panic to console my heart and wipe off my tears – Oh, my first and last love. In all of me, I’ll say this to you now, it was because – I was madly in love with you. And your presence or wrapping you around my arms – made me fall in love with being alive and experiencing the beauty of life around me – even when you were out of my sight. For a little while.”

Yours truly,

Rain


The Master Missions. Day Eighteen.

What’s reevaluation for?

It is to know

that the nature around you

has grown and bloomed.

To breathe and listen

to the birds chirping.

To listen to your desire

and what it makes you feel.

That’s reevaluation.

No shortcut happening there.

Or – what’s the point?

Ash

Swoosh! This is not a good moment. Uh-uh.

Something has been holding me back. It’s a super-colossal conundrum that I can’t get to the bottom of. You were right. Darn, you were right! You’ve been deflating our courage the moment we set foot in the house. But why?

Dinner is done. Whoa. Thank goodness for mom and dad’s merry prattle over going vegetarian. Now my sister is gone upstairs to wash up and get ready for our little slumber party.

And then –

This happens!

Mom and dad stand side by side, with their arms crossed over their chests, investigating me from head to toe.

“What’s going on?” I ask.

“You tell us,” dad replies. “What’s going on -” he motions his arm in front of me, pointing out my dress code transformation – “here!”

“It’s called andro,” I explain.

“A what?” mom snaps. “Is that even a word?”

“Well, what does this – ‘andro’ – or whatever the heck you call it – make you feel about yourself?” dad questions.

“It’s my truth,” I reason. “It makes me feel happy and comfortable.”

They glance at each other. “She’s happy and comfortable,” mom shrugs. “Good enough. Right?”

“Yeah, sure!” Dad steps back, nodding. “Like I said, this Toronto thing is already way too much for my nervous barbs. So what else has Toronto done to you? C’mon. Keep us in shock here. C’mon. Keep ‘em coming. Let’s go.”

“I quit teaching,” I mumble.

Mom frowns at dad. “You should have just kept your mouth shut instead. Now there’s your shock. What’s next?”

“I don’t wanna know any Toronto shocks anymore!” dad grumbles. “Unreal! This is so unreal!”

“Mom – dad -” I rattle. “It’s only for a while, okay? I just need time for myself, that’s all. I’m just reevaluating my life.”

“She’s reevaluating her life,” mom ponders, looking at dad. “Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I think it’s a smart move. Right?”

Dad smiles at me. “Do you wanna know the biggest secret of life reevaluation?”

“What is it?” I inquire.

“Don’t take the shortcut,” he smirks.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I giggle.

“This calls for my exit now. Because there’s never going to be a shortcut to this ‘shortcut’ justification.” And mom stomps away into the living room.

Dad rests his arm over my shoulders. “Taking the shortcut means you wouldn’t notice how nature around you has grown and bloomed along the primary route. You wouldn’t pause to breathe and listen to the birds chirping – or listen to your desire and what it makes you feel – because the adrenaline rush of getting ‘there’ right away drills you on. But you’d lose the meaning of your purpose that way – You might as well just dump it altogether and go back to the triggering moment before you had made the decision. So – there’s my ‘shortcut’ justification.” And he yells into the living room for mom to hear, “It didn’t even take 2 minutes!”

“It already felt long enough!” mom yells back.

“God, help us,” dad utters.

“I love you!” And I hug him as tight as I can go.

That’s it, Swoosh! We’re not taking the shortcut!

And it’s an absolute done deal!


Thursday 11 July 2019

Wherever you may be.

I hope you feel

the vivid presence.

Of those who love you.

Of the ones you love.

While you’re creating more.

Beautiful feelings,

moments,

and memories.

– Rain

Dear Dream Girl,

Meditation. Fourth Day.

One beautiful feeling. One beautiful moment. One beautiful memory. For self-worth.

“My little brother and I are checking out an abandoned house. Why did it pop in? What’s the significance? Where’s the beautiful feeling, the beautiful moment, and the beautiful memory there? Ooh. It was days after Jazzelle’s funeral. We drove away and spotted the abandoned house along the road. He decided we should check it out for fun. So we did. And the fun flew high into the consequential metamorphosis of life. We figured it was once a beautiful bungalow with a marvelous vegetable garden in the backyard. That a happy family once lived there, and they had – maybe – three perky kids. And for some reason, they had to move. To a much better place. Bigger and more prosperous. Wherever it might be, we just knew it was something even more beautiful. And they all lived happily ever after. Our imagination convinced us this captivating family tale. And it gave us a beautiful feeling. Comforting. While feeling their vivid presence. From the memories of their old home.”

Prayer. Fourth Day.

“Jazzelle, my first and last love. Allow me to feel your vivid presence. From the memories of our old days. Our happiest years together. Though I know – oh, without a doubt, I just know – that you pray for me to move on. And I will. I just need help right now. As I am still grieving. I still need a little more time to cry it through. I need an assurance. My heart is not ready yet. I need a validation from you. That I have been forgiven. That all is well. I know that you’re not blaming me for what happened. But I have been blaming myself, and I need to let it go. Along with grief and fear. Because I am still insignificant and unworthy. For as long as my heart desires, allow me to feel your vivid presence. From the memories of our happiest years together.”

Yours truly,

Rain


The Master Missions. Day Nineteen.

Understand that her heart

is just as vulnerable

and important as yours.

You don’t fool it.

You don’t make it cry.

You don’t take it for granted.

Because each person

who comes into your life –

is another vulnerable

and important heart.

No matter what

the outcome would be.

Ash

Swoosh, what’s wrong with my sister?

Why has she been acting flaky since last night? In a deafening silence kind of way. She just stares at me or gapes at nowhere or pretends to do something in the kitchen. And yet I feel a burst of energy surrounding her. Like a cry for help. In shaken fears. I’m sure it has nothing to do with her biological roots at all. It has nothing to do with who she is. Because her heart will always belong to our family. Regardless of the truth hidden in adoption papers. She is and will always be my sister. She is and will always be a part of me as a whole. She is and will always be my family. One of the most important people in my life.

I disturb her lonesome mood in the back porch. “Do you wanna go shopping?” She shakes her head ‘no’. I sit beside her and hold her hand. “Is there something that you wanna tell me?”

“I can’t,” she moans.

“Darling, whatever it is, I’ll take it.”

“No, you wouldn’t. So I’d rather keep it to myself.”

“How do you know I wouldn’t?”

“I just know. You’d hate me for it.”

“I would never hate you for anything. No matter what it might be. I was once your age, and I went through the unimaginable myself. There were things in life that I could never understand, and they got into my head. So I went a little wild behind mom and dad’s backs. I still haven’t apologized to them about it to this day. But then I learned that I had to go through them to discover my strengths and weaknesses. To figure out my worth and beauty. And you know when I just found that out?”

“When?”

“Just recently. Before I flew back home.”

“Really? How?”

“It’s a long story,” I say. “So – your turn. What’s been bugging in there?”

“You promise not to tell mom and dad?” She starts to weep.

“I promise.” I wipe off her tear with my fingers. “C’mon, darling. You haven’t spat it out yet. Stop with the emotional stream. You’re pinching my heart here. What is it?”

“I like girls,” she mumbles.

“What?” I scramble away from the seat, horrified.

She looks up at me, stumped! “I knew you’d hate me for it!” she screams, shivering in tears. “I knew it! I knew it! I just knew it!” She attempts to run inside the house, but –

I catch a grip of her arm and pull her into me for a hug, and she collapses around me – WAILING OUT LOUD!!! “Darling, enough – enough of it – ENOUGH!!!”

She struggles to flee away. “Let me go! Leave me alone! Get off of me!”

“Listen to me for a second!” I raise my voice. “Please, listen to me! Listen to me!”

She pulls all the strength she can get to yank herself out of my clasp. “Listen to you for what?” she roars. “You were never there! You left me! You left us! You don’t know what I feel! You don’t know what I’m going through! You don’t know anything! You were always busy! Busy with your men! You were always busy with your men! Your life in Toronto has always been about men! Men! Men! Men!”

“IT WAS ALL A LIE!!!” I yowl back.

She is dampened in shock. “W-what?”

“That’s what I came home for,” I weep. “I was never – nor would I ever be with a man -” I pause to breathe.

“Ashie -”

“I was hoping that you could be mom and dad’s wish fulfillment instead. You know, get married to a good man, have kids, have a home – happy family – Because I can’t give them that. I can’t. There’s no way. No way.”

“Oh my god, Ashie.”

“Now what do we do?” I say. “Our parents have raised two gay daughters. Our good, loving, amazing parents. Now tell me. What do we do about this?”

“Oh, this is gonna be so awkward,” she replies, shaking.

“They’d kill us both.”

“And dad would definitely settle for gigantic steaks each meal for the rest of his life.”

“And it would irritate mom a lot more, then her blood pressure would soar high.”

“And it would be our fault.”

“My remorse is already destroying my chest here.”

“Are you gonna tell them before you fly back to Toronto?”

“You’ve just ruined my ‘coming out’ moment, for god’s sake! How am I supposed to do that now?”

“I’m sorry.”

I throw myself back into the seat. “Oh god. This can’t be happening.” She sits on my lap, and we hold hands. “You’re not 5 anymore, you know?” I say.

“You only came home twice since you moved away,” she replies. “I’m getting even.”

“I came home for your Elementary school graduation. And one Christmas. Yeah. So get even as much as you like.”

“Are you dating anybody right now?”

“I’ve already jumped out of the dating zone, darling. I’m reevaluating my life, so I can open my heart to love and happiness.”

“Do you have a type?”

“Not really. I used to be a jerk. A very arrogant jerk. Don’t be like me. Once you fall in love, treat her the way love is supposed to be treated. Be kind. And be gentle with your words and actions – You fall in love because there is something beautiful in her that you fall in love with. And that something beautiful makes you feel really happy. The kind of happiness that you can’t even explain. So what do you do to keep the love? Focus on that beauty. Whatever it is. Then happiness takes care of love.”

“Ashie, she’ll be so lucky to have you!”

Swoosh, did I just lecture myself? I am loving me more!

And it’s an absolute done deal!


Friday 12 July 2019

Wherever you may be.

Whatever your struggle is.

I hope you have already

forgiven yourself.

Because no matter what.

The beautiful senses

that you can share

are a happy memory.

In your lifetime.

In your loved ones’ lifetime.

As now and forever.

It deserves its place.

– Rain

Dear Dream Girl,

Meditation. Fifth Day.

There is so much to understand about grief. Not so much to know of it.

“But to truly understand its nature. Loss creates it. Because the beautiful senses that the lost loved one had shared with me are not there anymore. They’ve all been lost into one memory. And such memory trudges on. To shed tears. To cease time. The time to face life without her. I should have already been doing it by now. As 5 years have already flown through my numb existence. In an ironic twist, a magical intrusion has awakened me. To grieve. So I can face life. A new life. Though I know – I just know – that grief will always trail along. I’m just hoping that it wouldn’t tug me away from the new life. The memory of the beautiful senses of the lost loved one should be kept as one happy memory itself. Because grief has left it for me to heal. Grief understands what I need. It is a reflection of one happy memory. And that happy memory deserves its place. I understand.”

Prayer. Fifth Day.

“Jazzelle, my first and last love. Will you ever forgive me? Did you ever feel the truth of how much I loved you? How will I know that I have already been forgiven? How will I know the truth? How will I know that my heart has already healed? Because I still can’t stop blaming myself. I can’t stop thinking about – Ssshhh. The beautiful senses. One happy memory. Deserves its place – Jazzelle, did you just shove that thought into my heart? Did you just – The beautiful senses. One happy memory. Deserves its place. I’ll say it again. The beautiful senses. One happy memory. Deserves its place. The beautiful senses. One happy memory. Deserves its place – Next time, I’ll share with you this magical thing that has happened to me. The magical intrusion. Of my dream girl. Can I do that? Am I allowed to share it with you? Oh, please forgive me. Forgive me – The beautiful senses. One happy memory. Deserves its place.”

Yours truly,

Rain


The Master Missions. Day Twenty.

You’ve just made your mother cry!” dad says.

And I’ve been trying

to make her cry since we met,

and she has never

dropped a tear

over me for once!

Ash

Swoosh! Not only you have punctured our courage, you have replaced it with the most unwieldy feeling that I dread!

AWKWARD!!!

Flinches, glances, sighs – Uh, what else – gulps, elbow-pokes, tremors! My sister and I maneuver each other around these kooky swirls over dinner. Not a slip of our vocal chords for once. As mom and dad discuss a complex issue at work and how to find a solution. I’m hoping they would be so immersed in it that they would forget our presence all throughout. Until maybe once we rise from the table to –

“What’s up with you two?” mom notices.

My sister and I shrink away instantly, and dad examines our guilty faces. “I see a major Toronto shock coming,” he says. “Would it blow my nervous barbs out of proportion that would convince me to change my diet into something that the human civilization has never even heard of?”

“We’ve just been talking about – things – that’s all,” I reply.

“What things?” mom asks.

“Love,” my sister responds.

“The men!” dad yelps. “Yes! The lost men! Gone! Disparu! Not one of them lasted long enough for me to hear just one masculine voice on the phone! God, help us!”

“This is why she’s reevaluating her life,” mom reasons, then looks at me. “You’ll find a good match soon, honey. Don’t worry about it.”

Swoosh! Let’s kick it out of the way! Now!

“And the good match happens to be – not a man,” I announce – And all at once – my sister drops her fork and covers her face with both hands, mom almost chokes on asparagus, and dad sends out a gasp as his protruding eyes shift to his plate of salad – “It is a woman,” I continue.

“Oh my god,” my sister cringes.

Mom erupts into tears. “I cannot – I can’t -”

I render my mother a pleading look. “Mom, please, it’s not something that -”

“I cannot have grandkids anytime soon?” mom interrupts me. “Is that what you’re saying?”

“Mom!” my sister butts in. “Is that why you’re crying?”

“Yes!” mom snaps. “I don’t care if you’re with a man or a woman or something else -”

“Something else?!” dad protests.

“- I just want to have my grandkids soon!” mom cries on.

My sister and I smile at each other.

“Let’s not go for ‘something else’ anymore,” dad comments. “Let’s just leave anything Toronto out of this. It’s already too much for my nervous barbs to take on. Huh! And I’m still breathing! It’s a miracle!” And he taps the table.

“Well, maybe my future wife and I would decide to have kids eventually,” I say. “Who knows?”

“And is there a potential future wife yet?” mom interrogates.

“I have to listen to her voice first before we meet her,” dad reminds me. “You know my consciousness clump. It’s the top requirement.”

“Yes, dad, I know,” I reply. “And – no – I haven’t found her yet.”

“Well, you better hurry up already!” mom whips up. “Because I need me my grandkids before I’m set to retire. I’d rather babysit them than your dad here.”

“I’ve just decided to be vegetarian, and your mother is already barking in this manner, embarrassing the only man in the house,” dad whines. “Unreal!”

Swoosh! Congratulations!

We are free! We can look forward to love and happiness!

And it’s an absolute done deal!


Saturday 13 July 2019

Wherever you may be.

I hope you can hear me say –

I’m ready

for our hearts

to unite.

– Rain

Dear Dream Girl,

Meditation. Sixth Day.

The power of it comes from the faith of self-actualization.

“And self-actualization doesn’t just click in by itself. It is there as determined by faith. As I am human. I believe that courage can perform magic now. Now moment. Feeling the excitement of having coffee. One beautiful moment. One beautiful feeling. Feeling the vivid presence. From the memories of the happiest years. Grief understands. It is a reflection of one happy memory that deserves its place. One happy memory. One is already good enough. That’s what my heart has actualized since the first day of meditation. On to the sixth. The faith of change. A truthful change within me. The change where I can step into the light of accepting what the charming universe will offer me. It has already offered me the magical intrusion of one beautiful image, leading me to this day. The one beautiful image that I do not question anymore – I do not question anymore – I do not question anymore – I did not question its magical intrusion – The self-actualization! Dare not to question anything anymore!”

Prayer. Sixth Day.

“Jazzelle, my first and last love. Please, never worry about my questions anymore. Forgive me for throwing them at you. My heart knows how much I wanted to offer my life to keep you alive. It also knows how full it was for you. It had its headstrong days, but it was because it would get hurt once it felt your absence. There was no other excuse for that. Though it wasn’t fair with you. However, I must learn to stop blaming myself. Maybe the angels just couldn’t wait to be with you anymore. Maybe they needed an amazing piano player who only had the magic touch of playing every note with a perfect feeling. Maybe they didn’t want you to feel the world’s pain a lot more than you already did. That’s why you had to leave me. You had to leave us. Because they just wanted to keep you safe. To make you feel happy all the time. Because you deserve it best – Now here I am stuck with a beautiful image from the magical intrusion. And it has awakened me to go through all this. I am grateful for it. Because now – now – I feel relieved. Now – I can feel the excitement of having coffee. The now. The one. Feeling your vivid presence. All the beautiful senses. One happy memory. Will always deserve its place. I understand it now. I am free.”

Yours truly,

Rain


The Master Missions. Day Twenty One.

We would meet

along the way,

then our beautiful

love story

would begin

Ash

Swoosh! We better gear up for this!

“Ryan wants me to meet up with his sister once I get back?” I react to my sister’s enthusiastic proclamation. “Oh no! No no no no no! There is no freaking way I’d ever do that!”

“Ashie, c’mon!” she insists. “She’s gorgeous, and kind, and she loves her brother just as much as you love me! You two have a lot of amazing things in common! You’d be perfect for each other! Please please! Pretty please!”

“I am so not doing the shortcut!” I object. “If we were to meet, it would have to be under fated love’s terms. Not like this!”

“What’s wrong with it?” she replies. “People do it all the time. Online. Through friends. Through – family? Especially through family. It’s the safest bet there is. Because I vouch for you, Ryan vouches for his sister – it’s a guaranteed match! C’mon, Ashie! Just give it a try! Please?”

“Oh, you guys are matchmakers now? And with intuitive superpowers? Oh, ladies and gentlemen, by the way, my sister is a beautiful sapphic lass and so is my friend’s sister – Wait. Is she gay, too?”

“Ryan didn’t say.”

“Doesn’t matter.” I continue my unruly speech, “- Therefore, since they’re both amazing women – one is gay for sure, and the other one’s sexuality is – unknown – they should give it a try. Meet up and see how it goes. Let the universe decide – You know what that means? Expectations. Then I’m desperate enough to meet those expectations, it sucks right up into my brains, I go crazy, I would yell at you on the phone for putting me through it, I would cry, I would start hating love, and my beautiful objective of finding love and happiness – all gone! Nope! Forget it! When it comes to my heart, I’m not taking a shortcut! Any shortcuts! Especially your shortcut idea! If Ryan’s sister and I were meant to meet, we would meet at our own predestined time. Not through a matchmaking doom. So forget it – Wait a minute. Did you tell him, though?”

“That you’re gay?” she blasts. “No, I didn’t. I couldn’t. He just told me if you and his sister could meet up and be – you know – friends? But I just have a gut feeling that you two – belong in each other’s lives. That’s why I’m really happy about the whole thing.”

“And where did you get that gut feeling from?”

“I don’t know. It just came to me. I just felt it.”

“Darling, if that’s what you feel, then I’m glad. But you know what? If her and I truly belonged in each other’s lives, no matter what, it would happen. Even without you and her brother butting in – So don’t worry about it, okay?”

“I’m just really bugged up about it.”

I kiss her on the temple. “Don’t be. I’ll find my other wing one day. And you’ll be the first one to know. Not mom. Especially not dad.”

“You promise?” She smiles.

“I promise. And she’ll be as perfect as my heart’s dream. And you’ll love her just as much.”

And it’s an absolute done deal!


Sunday 14 July 2019

Wherever you may be.

I hope you can’t wait.

For me

to show up

in your life.

Soon.

– Rain

Dear Dream Girl,

My little brother goes erratic over the phone, keeping me from running my errands.

“You’ve gotta believe me, big angel!” he shouts into my eardrum. “You’ve gotta believe me! There’s something special about her that told me right off the bat that you two must meet! She’s awesome! She’s more than awesome! She’s just like you! It’s weird! But I feel like I see you in her for some reason! I don’t know what it is! But I can’t shake it off! I can’t! I tried to! But I really can’t! It’s just so weird! And I’ve been running out of breath just thinking about it! My friend feels the same way, too! And we can’t figure out what it is! But it’s too strong and too – kind – and beautiful! You’ve gotta -”

“Apricot,” I interject, “stop! That is not how it works. I’m holding on to something here, and it’s even more magical than that. So just leave it and stop thinking about it anymore because I wouldn’t go for it no matter what you say.”

“You don’t trust me, do you?”

“I do trust you. It’s just – Okay. I might as well just drop this – other secret now. I was on the subway, and then this magical intrusion happened. I saw a vision. An image. A woman. And I remember all her distinct features. I can even feel her kindness and all that. I can feel who she is. Out of that magical intrusion alone. And because of that, I have to be kind to its purpose. I can’t force it to happen. I can’t venture into meeting random strangers, one after another, just to look for her. It’s sacred to me. It’s been shown to me that way. In a magical way. Now all I have to do is get on with my life, like grabbing stuff at a Farmer’s Market today. And if I were to bump into her there, or wherever, then I’d let you know. I promise. Feel better yet?”

“Do you feel better now, though?” His voice softens up.

“Yeah,” I reply. “A lot better. I meditated and prayed. I prayed to Jazzelle, and it helped a whole lot. I understood something beyond what I hoped to understand. Now – I’m starting to live on.”

“I’m happy to hear that, big angel.”

“Hey, you were a huge part of it, too. I’m glad you pounded me out of it with one massive truth – Aah. I love you so much, apricot.”

“I love you more and more and more!”

The Farmer’s Market is just a walking distance from my apartment building. I leap up. Walk on. Move on.

The endless construction. It reminds me of my grief. There I am again, reminiscing it. Can anyone ever reminisce it? There I am again questioning life. Though reminiscing it with one happy memory uplifts movements. The movements of the new and the one.

Walk on. Move on.

My little brother’s intense words drum into my heart.

Walk on. Move on.

The magical intrusion. The beautiful image. Wherever you may be.

Walk on. Move on.

The beautiful senses. One happy memory. Deserves its place.

Walk on. Move on.

Jazzelle, my first and last love.

Walk on. Move on.

Jazzelle, did I truly love you?

Walk on. Move on.

Jazzelle, do I deserve the magical intrusion?

Walk on. Move on.

Jazzelle!

Walk on. Move on.

Jazzelle! Please forgive me!

Walk on. Move on.

Jazzelle, my first and last love.

Walk on. Move on.

The magical intrusion. The beautiful image. Wherever you may be.

Walk on. Move on.

My dream girl.

Walk on –

PAUSE!!!

The sign says, ‘CONSTRUCTION BEGINS’!

Walk on. Move on.

PAUSE!!!

The next sign says, ‘CONSTRUCTION ENDS’!

Walk on. Move on.

And up ahead. In the close distance. The big sign says, ‘NEW’!

PAUSE!!!

Tears of illuminating joy. I have finally understood.

Jazzelle sent it to me. The magical intrusion. The beautiful image. It was all a heaven sent from her. She showed me my dream girl. She has been making all this magic happen. For me. She chose her. To be with me.

You will find her. And she will love you more than I ever do. Because you are very special.”

That’s what she whispered to me!

She knew I loved her just as much! She knew I needed to wake up from it all! She knew all the questions burdening up my heart!

Yet I had to go through it all to understand the truths myself!

“New!” I muse, giggling.

Dream girl, wherever you may be, my heart is now open for you. And I can’t wait for us to meet. I can’t wait to love you with all the love truths. I can’t wait for our lovely lifetime together.

I can’t wait to hear the sound of your laughter. I can’t wait to feel and experience your kind heart. I can’t wait to get to know your soul.

I can’t wait to be snuggled around your arms. I can’t wait to cook for us. I can’t wait to listen to your vulnerable joys and even rants.

I can’t wait to utter your name. I can’t wait to share all the beautiful moments with you. I can’t wait for us to inspire each other everyday.

Oh, I can’t wait. I can’t wait anymore.

Yours truly,

Rain


The Master Missions. Day Twenty Two.

But soon enough

I will know and meet

the beautiful sight of you

and all the beautiful things

that you simply make me do.

And this is just one of the beautiful things

that you already

make me do.’

– Ash

Swoosh! What’s going on with you?

Why can’t you wait for us to fly back to Toronto? Like – RIGHT NOW!!!

Okaaay! In the airport waiting area, about to listen to some zestful music to oomph up the gripping vibe of landing back in my glorious bed – when two young dudes seated closeby snitch me off it. They have deliberately snitched me off it!

They’re gorging on a bucket of chicken meal.

“There’s only two!” one young dude says.

“Two wings?” the other replies.

“Yeah! Why did they only dunk in two?”

“Maybe one for you and one for me!”

“I got it for us! How could they have known that?”

“Can’t we just pretend that it was meant for the two of us?”

“That is so gay, man! So gay!”

“Give me my wing!”

“Here!” He gives it to him.

“Thanks!” And he starts wolfing it down.

“I can’t believe I’ve found them both at once. They’re usually squished wherever.”

“Why are you complaining? They’re still stuffed in the bucket, anyway. In one full bucket. They will always be found.”

“Just making a point here.”

“You’ve found them. Now shut up.”

It makes me smile.

Swoosh! We’ve got us a sign!

And I can’t believe it’s in the form of a bucket full of chicken meal! Knowing my vegetarian revelment.

Music app on. And an unfamiliar ballad song frolics into my ears:

I have already known your heart

before you appear in my brand new art

I have already met your soul

before we even take our first stroll

down the pavement of a waterfront

into the enlightenment of love warmth

the beautiful sight of you

you simply make me do

all the beautiful things

that love

that only our love

brings

into each other’s

once unknown hearts

Swoosh! The song spoke to me! Very clearly!

Are you doing this? First, the chicken wings. Now this! What’s next? I’m holding my breath. Gee. Something omnipotent is scheming its way into my life. Am I ready for it yet?

Swoosh! Are we ready?

“No! Hell, no!” a harsh female voice trumpets from behind, and I am forced to look. She’s on the phone, looking distraught. “I’m not ready for it yet!” she honks on. “Are you out of your mind? I’ve still got a shit ton of things to do, and I’m not dumping it all away just because you can’t wait anymore! Jesus! You’ve gotta be more logical here! Help me through it by keeping your mouth shut and being patient! Let’s just wait. It’ll happen. Once I’m ready.”

Swoosh! There’s our logical answer! Did you do that, too? If not, then who or what’s responsible for it?

Regardless anyway!

It’s an absolute done deal!


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