March 22, 2019. Friday.
“So how’s the dreamy rush going?” Alex is poised at the foot of the bed, puffing a slim cigarette — her pricey sophisticated tobacco brand. This grandiose, beautiful, powerful, cunning, and elite woman in her mid-40s — openly gay — (– yet she has to put up with my relationship signature because of her passionate love for me –) — broke into my hotel room while I was dancing with Dylan in a fairy-tale dream.
I check the time. It’s past 9 o’clock in the morning. Dylan has just come in to work. Bringing her breakfast consumes me more than booting myself into a panic spotlight over Alex Avery’s surprise jolt. “What time did you break in?” I sit up and rub my eyes — just to make sure I’m not stuck in a simulated nightmare.
“Just a little while ago,” she replies. “Aren’t you even gonna give me a kiss?”
“I just woke up, Alex,” I groan. She draws closer and sits on the bed, then runs her forefinger across my face and leans in — to seek for my kiss — Disgust plucks me out, onto the floor — right away! And the panic spotlight flames up! “I’ve told you, it’s done!” I blast. “The engagement is off! I can’t be with you anymore! I cannot stay with a monster, Alex! You can fire me all you want! I don’t care! Just stay away from me! You make me sick!”
She simpers and takes a graceful puff. Oh, god. I see — something — VICIOUS — is about to happen! Please please please please please! Make her go away! And keep my true love wish safe! “Your dad has been such a highly regarded therapist that he’s got most of my prominent friends as his devoted clients for years,” she chuckles.
“Alex,” I gasp, pleading, “please leave my dad out of this.”
“And your mom!” She ascends from the bed and twirls to me. “It must be impressively sweet that she always lands lucrative accounts, and has become a major-league advertising executive — all of a sudden — with my little big-shot influence, of course.”
“LEAVE MY PARENTS OUT OF THIS!!!” I scream.
“I’m not finished yet, my love,” she laughs.
“Just kill me, Alex!” I cry out. “Slit my throat! Get me assassinated! Just don’t you touch my parents!”
“We’ll get to that. Just — allow me to finish my speech first. It was only — you know — a little dabble — It’s gonna get more exciting now. Are you ready?”
“Kill me now. That’s just what I want you to do.”
“You got pancakes and coffee from a high-end brunch restaurant, then delivered it to her yourself,” she shells out. “Very romantic, huh, my love?”
“You got me followed???” I dread.
“Grocery shopping was sweet. Now we know where she lives. Lovely neighborhood, indeed. Uhm. Name, Dylan Dawson. 27 years old. Born and raised in Sherwood Park, Alberta. Only graduated high school. Smart. Records are clean. Bless her. Moved here about two years ago. Father, David Dawson, works for a distinguished construction company. Mother, Beverly Dawson, is an early childhood educator. Both still reside on Oak Street, same province — I hired the top private investigator in town — He just missed out on the part when you brought her up here — into this fucking 5-star hotel room that I paid for!”
“Is this all a threat? You want to ruin our lives? Mine. Hers. My parents. Her parents. Is that what this is all about?”
“Not so fast, my love,” she chortles. “I’ll give you an option. Marry me. Or — your parents and her parents — would end up — jobless, penniless, and completely — damaged for the rest of their senior lives.”
Dylan, you will always be my one and only LUSH! Please forgive me! “Okay,” I weep.
“I was confident you’d say yes!” She sticks her chin up and grins. “All right, then. We shall grace the formal grand opening party tonight, and we’re flying back home tomorrow morning. Our wedding is set on the last Sunday of this month, in my parents’ mansion garden –”
“By the end of this month?” I yelp.
“Yes, my love. That soon. Sorry. I just want to make sure you’re mine forever. Would that be too much to ask? Oh, goddess. I’ll work on the monster shocks right after we’ve exchanged our vows, okay? And everything will be — just — perfect. How’s that?”
“I’d like to spend time with Dylan today. All day. For a last goodbye. Without your private investigator tramping around.”
“HELL, NO!!!” Her outrage terrorizes the entire room.
“Please, Alex!” I bawl out. “Please! I’m begging you! I’ll make love to you after! Just please — let me be with her for one last time! Just to say goodbye!”
“AFTER ALL THE SHITTY SPITS THAT YOU’VE SLAMMED ALL OVER ME?? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!” She shakes it off and releases a deep sigh. “Get dressed. We’ll have breakfast — By the way, my love — I can trace everything. That includes your phone. So don’t you dare sneak away with it, or you’d be sorry for the rest of your life.”
“How can you be this cruel?” I would rather die now!
“Because what’s mine is mine.”
Dear true love wish: Whisper into Dylan’s ear that I have been held captive by the vicious monster whose fatal obsession and twisted love gospel could potentially waft me into a mental asylum.
The drabble is hidden in a slim wallet — stuffed in my purse. Discreet yet proud. Like, a myth. Only its integrity illuminates hope. The unwavering hope of catching her on the dance floor. My one and only LUSH. My happiness. My true love.
Oh, Dylan. I will get to you. I promise. Don’t cry, okay? Please, don’t cry. I will come back for you. And we will have the dance. Our All of Lush dance. Our true love dance. Just hang in there and don’t judge my sudden disappearance. I’m not like that. We’re not like that at all. Just trust walnut and baby carrot. We will be with each other — SOON! Maybe even before the end of the month — THAT SOON!
No vicious monster can keep us apart! And no yellow belly sits on this lass! Not when I can still breathe and crack on with grits! For defeat only has powers once I let it infect me! Who is this vicious monster kidding? I have to fight for what is mine, too! Happiness and true love will guide me through it! The good guys always win! NO MATTER WHAT! And we will win!
The game is on, Alex! This walnut is rolling her sleeves up — to outwit your blue blood! Get your high-and-mighty shacks ready! Now!
— first —
Oh god. What must I do? Plan. Something — vicious — ultimately vicious — that this blue blood would find herself crawling for mercy! Ooh. The thought of her losing it all is fueling up my VICIOUS VEINS!!! ALREADY!!!
Okay. So what’s my vicious vein? Think. Uh, well, once upon a time —
Oh my goodness. Why on earth did my parents raise me without any repulsive desire to be — vicious — anyway? Thanks, Mom and Dad! Really!
So here’s the plan. Hmm. C’mon. Get in there. Just — get in there, for crying out loud! Help me accomplish something majestic and monumental here! Dylan is worried sick! Her eyes are probably red and puffed up by now! Please! What should I do? What is this walnut’s greatest grit that can conquer all? THINK!!! Goddammit. My streaks are not working yet. Dumdumdumdumdumdum! Argh!
Alex and I are having brunch in the hotel restaurant. My appetite struggles as contempt numbs off all my senses. She has been — admiring my face — my goddamn face that turns her into a vicious monster.
I got it! I have to play along! You — jack — ass — whatever!
There! THERE! I’ve just created a vicious vein inside of me! Progress! Whew!
“Wanna go shopping after brunch?” she asks.
“Alex,” I sigh, “we’re not flying back home with a bundle of glitz that would only end up in your walk-in closet display.”
“It’s not for my closet display. It’s for you.”
“I don’t want anything. Thank you. I’m fine.”
“By the time we get home,” she says, “we’ve gotta talk to your parents about us. About the wedding.”
“Could you please — just allow me to come out to them myself?” I reply. Yes, that should count as my vicious vein. Hiding in the closet. From the two people who I love and who love me more than anything in the world.
“As soon as we land in Vancouver, Ace,” she insists. “I mean it.”
“Fine,” I groan. “May I please be excused? Just a little touch-up. Back in three.”
“Sure,” she shrugs.
I grab my purse and hasten my way into the washroom.
A cleaning lady is wiping the mirror clean while humming away a lullaby tune. It makes me smile. “Hello,” she greets me.
“Hi,” I reply. “I love your tune.”
“It’s for my daughter,” she says. “I used to sing it to her when she was a baby.”
“It’s beautiful!” It warms my heart.
“She’s a grown woman now. With a husband and two kids.”
“You must be very proud.”
“I am. I am, indeed.” A text message barges into her cell phone. She slips it out of her pocket and checks the content. “It’s her, all right. She always bugs me at work. It’s embarrassing sometimes.”
And a sharp idea stunts in. “I’m Ace Hansel.” I extend my hand.
She seems taken aback by my gesture. “I would love to shake your hand, but I can’t. I’m wearing gloves. I’m working. But anyways, my name is Ruth.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Ruth!” A fairy godmother!
“Nice to meet you, too, Miss Ace Hansel.” She smiles.
“Ruth,” I say, stepping closer to her, “I have a huge favor to ask. Huge. I’ll pay you for it.”
“I hope it has nothing to do with weed or anything.”
“No no. Not at all. I’m just in a desperate situation here, and I need help. Any help that I can get. From anybody.”
“Oh my. You look like a damsel in distress.”
“I am a damsel in distress. Big time.”
“Oh, I’ll do anything! What kind of help do you need?”
“There’s someone very special out there waiting for me. I was wondering if I could use your phone and send her a message.”
“Oh!” she exclaims. “No problem at all!” She hands me her phone. “Here. Feel free.”
“Thank you,” I reply. Dylan’s number has already been implanted in my memory right after Alex’s phone spy announcement. I type in: Diva, it’s me, walnut and baby carrot. The vicious monster is here. I’ve been blackmailed, and it’s a vicious one. Very vicious that I cannot even tell you. I can’t go anywhere. I can’t use my phone either. She can track it all down. I’m coming up with a plan to win this. So I can be with you by the end of the month. Or hopefully a lot sooner. Don’t cry, okay? And — I will always find a way to capture you — To capture my one and only LUSH — To hold you and make you mine — Clinched — My oblivious tears roll down, and Ruth’s sympathetic eyes twinge into mine. I hand the device back to her and pep up a hopeful smile. “Thank you, Ruth,” I utter. “You have just saved my day.”
“What took you so long?” Alex blasts as soon as I scoot back from the washroom.
“I felt nauseated.” I take my seat. “I can’t finish my food anymore.”
“Let’s go back into the room then. I’ll give you a massage. You look strained.”
“I’m sorry. Just not in the mood for it right now. But thank you.”
She probes into my eyes. “You are already in love with this girl, aren’t you?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I yelp. “My feelings don’t matter.”
“What does she have, Ace? What does she have that I don’t?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Everything?”
“Like what? Name everything.”
“We can’t talk about this anymore, Alex. It’s not gonna go anywhere, anyways. It’s just a waste of time.”
“I wanna know,” she insists. “I wanna know why you’ve fallen in love in one blink with a dry-clean girl.”
“She is NOT a dry-clean girl!” I grunt. “She is a girl, and her name is Dylan!”
“She is and will always be a dry-clean girl, Ace!”
“She is and will always be A GIRL! THE GIRL! And that would be my answer to your burning question. It all just comes down to THAT!”
“I can get her fired, you know?” she threatens.
“Alex, please,” I beg. “You’ve already got me. What more do you want?”
“Everything in your heart.”
“Fine. I’ll work on it.”
“Great,” she yelps, then sips her coffee. “Let’s make a surprise visit at the store.”
“I just wanna stay in bed all day,” I groan.
“You can’t be out of my sight anymore, my love. Especially here in Toronto. From now on, I’m taking you with me wherever I go.”
“I can’t be your chaperone all the time, Alex. I wanna work. I wanna –”
“You’re not a chaperone,” she interrupts me. “You’re going to be my wife. You own everything that I own. What’s the matter with you?”
“Well, I don’t want it. I’m going to be your wife — okay. But I don’t want the rest of it. The rest of your world. And I love working with the sweet darlings. At least, give me the freedom to enjoy life that way.”
“Working with — the sweet darlings? You do not work with them, Ace. They work for you.”
“I work WITH them. We work FOR you.”
“You have to know your place in the society now,” she commands, “and get rid of that preposterous mentality once and for all, because they could never walk your walk, and you never walked on their generic floors even before I met you.”
“I walk in their shoes all the time,” I reply. “I will always do. We’re humans after all. We laugh. We cry. We get angry. We get hurt. We look for happiness. We’re desperate for true love. You know, stuff that humans can only feel.”
Guilt transpires in her face. “Let’s go to the store now.”
“Okay, boss!” I pester her.
“What did you just call me?” she protests.
“Oh, zip it, Alex,” I reply. “You’re still my boss, for crying out loud. Don’t make me hop out of that — regardless of how you own me.”
“Are you gonna give me fucking attitude, Ace?” Furor protrudes in her eyes.
“I’m gonna give you all of me and all the love,” I nerve up in a subtle tone, “that I can smother you with just to satisfy all your desires. I can’t be human anymore. With you. Happy now?”
“You know,” she cackles, “it only takes a few phone calls to get all the job done? So if you don’t want me to do that, you have to show — all of you — all the love that you can smother me with — just to satisfy — all my desires.”
“What do you want me to do now, Alex?” I sit back.
“Well, since you don’t want to tag along with me to the store, perhaps — we could –”
“Wouldn’t you wanna wait for our — honeymoon — instead?”
“I want us to make love — NOW!”
“Alex, I can’t. Let’s just do it on our wedding night, and we’ll make it — romantic. How’s that?”
“Okay,” she sighs. “I’ll consider it. After all, you’re going to be my wife. When it comes to romance, I’ll let you run the show — once in a while.”
“Don’t consider it, Alex,” I strike back. “Respect it!”
“Don’t you give me fucking attitude anymore, Ace!” she warns me, pointing a devilish forefinger in my face. “Or I swear to god. I swear to god — Don’t make me fucking do something that you’d regret for the rest of your life. You understand me?”
“I’m not afraid to die, Alex,” I spunk on. “So I’m here as your puppet. Take it or leave it. You dare to make those phone calls now, I’m gone, and you know it first hand. You don’t want that to happen, do you? So here I am. Feast on it. I don’t care. Because that’s all you can ever have. Nothing else. Not even a split-second tick of what’s pumping inside my chest.”
“I’ve heard enough of your mouth shit.” She gives me an evil look. “You’re free to go.”
“I beg your pardon?” I pluck forward, almost wrenching out of my seat.
“You’ve been insulting my heart and my love this whole time. So get the fuck out of my face and be with the dry-clean girl. GO!”
“Alex, what are you gonna do?”
“It scares the shit out of you, doesn’t it?” she lets out a Machiavellian laugh. “You’ll see, my love. You’ll see. NOW FUCK OFF!!!”
Dylan, I’m coming! We can get through this together! We can win this!
I run back into the room and mishmash around for my belongings, then hit a cab and ZOOM my way to Luster!!!
Dylan drops her jaw upon my provoking entrance. Her eyes — oh, her red puffy eyes — behold me — astonished yet overjoyed! “Ace! I thought I’d never see you again!”
I flap my luggage away and collapse into her arms. “We gotta go.”
She tiptoes back and looks at me. “What do you mean?”
“Alex is up to something really — REALLY VICIOUS — and it involves our parents! That was the blackmail!” I open fire.
“What?” she yelps.
“Call your boss,” I vest up, “and tell him you need to take off now, then we’ll fly to Alberta to save your folks’ jobs!”
“I knew she was gonna do something demonic and flick us into a torture chamber! Why the hell did you even sleep with this vicious monster for?”
“Claim your attacks later. Just call your boss now, so we can get the hell out of here.”
“Rahul is on his way to drop off stuff for today’s pickups,” she says. “Including your laundry. I’m not sure if they got that pukey stain thingy off, though — God, I can’t believe we’ve already got ourselves into this can of worms on your pickup day.”
“Me neither,” I mutter. “Oh, and after Alberta, we’re flying to BC. To explain this donnybrook to my parents.”
“And I can’t believe you’re already dragging me around the country! This is crazy, Ace! And I’m just a girl, who looks like, she’s fully geared up to clean your house, for god’s sake!”
“Dylan, stop screaming your insecurities at me anymore, because you already know why I’m here and how I got you into this mess!”
“I got the text,” she mumbles. “Do I really deserve you this much, Miss Ace Hansel?”
I smile. “Dylan, I’m here. Excited to hold you — for our dance.”
“How am I gonna explain all this to my parents?”
“I’ll explain it to them myself.”
“How? Like, how am I supposed to introduce you?”
“I’ll introduce myself.”
“As your one and only LUSH!”
“They wouldn’t believe that at all,” she groans.
“Dylan,” I gasp, “can we please just worry about it later on? What time is Rahul coming, anyway?”
A middle-aged man with a vibrant smile enters, towing along a rack full of laundry. “Ho ho! Who do we have here?” he cheers.
“My friend,” Dylan answers, lowering her head, “Ace Hansel.”
“Ace Hansel!” he buoys up. “Wait. Now where did I hear that name from? You’re in one of those movies that I must have watched recently! Right? Am I right? Or maybe — uh-huh! Jackpot! Boom! I got it! That detective TV show! Right? I bet it’s that HOT detective TV show, isn’t it? You’re playing –”
“Rahul,” Dylan interrupts him, blushing, “she’s not — like that.”
“I’m just a walnut and baby carrot,” I giggle, extending my hand. “I’m just Ace Hansel. It’s nice to meet you.”
He shakes my hand, flustered and — star-stricken. Oh my goodness. My hair raises out of embarrassment. “Rahul,” he introduces himself. “And — it’s — it’s a — pleasure to meet you – Miss Ace Hansel –” And he turns to Dylan, seeking for confirmation. “Are you sure –? This is a bluff. Right? You guys are just — bluffing me around — Right? Please, tell me it’s just a bluff.”
“I’m just Dylan’s one and only LUSH, Rahul,” I assure him. “And I’m here to kidnap her away due to family emergencies that we must take care of as we speak. So would you please fill in for her?”
“For how long?” he replies.
“Mantra — this would have to be my first major catastrophe,” Dylan grunts, “so if I’m not back here next week or the week after that, then consider attending my funeral.”
“Dylan! “ I reprimand her.
“I’m sorry,” she murmurs.
“What kind of a major catastrophe?” Rahul inquires. “By degree. In what degree?”
“Something about All of Lush dance,” I answer. “So now our parents are under attack.”
Stumped! “This is gotta be the most confusing major catastrophe I have ever heard of in my entire life,” he says.
“Please?” I plead. “Can I take her with me now?”
“Well –” he teases, fluttering his eyes.
“We’ll take you to dinner as soon as we get back,” I convince him.
“Okay,” he agrees.
“Thank you!” And Dylan runs into the back room.
“So –” Rahul gestures, “– you’re not really –”
“I’ve told you,” I giggle, “I’m just a walnut, Rahul. No sweat.”
“‘Cause I haven’t met a celebrity yet,” he says. “I’ve seen some. But I haven’t actually met them — like this — you know — like for real — And once I’d tell my pregnant wife about this — mind-blowing encounter, her water would break right away — ‘cause she’d be so pissed that she didn’t get the chance to meet you.”
“I’ll be a godmother,” I sew up.
“Really?” he yelps. “You’re not — bluffing — right? This godmother — surprise is not a bluff — right?”
“Dylan and I will be godmothers.” I pat him on the shoulder. “I promise.”
“Sweeeeet!” he claps. “I’ve gotta call my wife now, and drop her this — amazing news! I just hope her water wouldn’t break, though.”
And a familiar woman barges in, tugging a luggage along. OH MY GOD!!! It’s — It’s — It’s Sarah with a Gordian last name — the Detroit girl, witching in with her psychic’s twisted black magic high! No way in hell SHE is happening right now!
Rahul turns to her. “Hello, miss. And how may I help you?”
“Um,” she says, “I’m looking for –”
“Sarah?” Dylan snaps from the back room doorway, dangling her backpack.
“Dylan!” She flies towards her and — DON’T YOU DARE KISS HER OR I WOULD DEFINITELY SACK OUT MY VICIOUS VEIN INTO YOUR — YOUR — Oh, god!!! — attempts to twiddle a smack on Dylan’s lips.
“No, please, no!” Dylan hops away. “I’m sorry — I thought you were gonna turn up Friday next week, not this Friday.”
“It’s this Friday,” Sarah lollops. “You got mixed up. Aren’t you even glad to see me? Surprise surprise?”
“Sarah,” Dylan droops, “I really don’t know how to make up for this mishap, but I’m really sorry for disappointing your trip — like — you have a right to ambush me with a load of brickbats after this first and — quick meeting — ‘cause I — I have to go –”
“Excuse me?” Sarah yelps, baffled.
“The bottom line is,” Dylan says, “I’ve already told you — I could never like you that way. And I’m — with a walnut.”
“EXCUSE ME???” Sarah is horrified!
“The walnut is right over there.” Dylan points to my direction.
“Hi.” I wave at Sarah, who bulges her venomous eyes right on!
“SCREW YOU!!!” she screams in Dylan’s face, then storms out.
Dylan slinks to join me and Rahul. “I’m such a horrible person.”
“No, you’re not,” Rahul justifies. “Her energy was dark and ugly. I wouldn’t want you around her at all.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” I second.
“Right? Am I right?” He sticks his chin up. “Huh!”
I’m lounging in Dylan’s bed, with my brazen hands on her laptop, browsing through Edmonton flights — as her marches and whizzes cruise around the basement suite, packing up. I gloat over her clumsy bustles in betweens, and it sweeps me off my feet, with a lovey-dovey thought of catching her for a dance now.
She zips up her hand-carry suitcase and joins me. “Do you have a breakdown of this vicious Alex mission?”
“She’s gonna bribe the top people with a load of cash,” I reply, “or their business integrity is at stake. She’s got high-profile and notorious connections all over North America.”
“Ace!” she exclaims.
“I’m sorry,” I mutter.
“I cannot believe you slept with this whacko, for god’s sake!”
“I only slept with her four times in one year that we were together. First, it was after we gorged on breakfast in bed. Second, on the night of her birthday. Third, on Valentine’s day. The last one, I had to pacify her chutzpah when she caught a regular customer almost rubbing her breasts against mine. I kept myself busy at work, and I wanted to run away the minute she morphed into a total freak after I said yes to her marriage proposal. I did not realize she’d turn out to be a vicious monster after all. This vicious monster.”
“Then how did you figure out the breakdown?” she asks.
“Most of my parents’ prominent clients are her friends,” I reply. “I would overhear them talk about these nasty things at parties.”
“Now I understand why some huge business corporations would go down the drain. They ruin each other. All these sick and retarded people without regard for humanity. My god.”
“We just gotta outwit her.”
“We need a strong mantra for that,” she groans.
“It’ll kick in,” I brace up. “I know it will.”
“Even the spirit guides are terrified of her. We’re already wrecked up.”
“I’m gonna talk to your parents’ bosses myself, then pray for miracles.”
“And it’s the weekend,” she yelps. “It’s not gonna work!”
“The only earliest flight that we can get,” I say, staring at the screen, “is around midnight tonight. At 12.35.”
“No way! We’d be like — drunken ninjas by the time we arrive in Edmonton!”
“I hate you.”
“Scoot over. I’m taking a nap.” She lays down beside me and closes her eyes.
“Dylan?” I marvel at her innocent and glowing face.
“Huh?” she moans.
“You’re beautiful,” I whisper into her ear.
“Ace, we have to take a nap,” she utters, drifting off to sleep. “I think I got exhausted from yowling my eyes out this morning, that’s why I’m sleepy beat now — Aren’t you even fatigued up after all that?”
I set the laptop on the bedside table, then wheel around with a dare to snuggle her. Oh, god. My heart! My melting supple absolute — HEART! I have never felt — gratified — animated — and unflawed — this way before! My heart has found a beautiful home — at last!
She cuddles me back and opens her eyes — with a puzzling grasp. Uh-oh. “So your parents have known all along? About you and Alex?”
Dylan, that’s just a euphemism for — are you out? “I’ve been discreet.”
“Seriously?” she giggles.
“I’ll make the announcement once we hit Vancouver,” I vow. “And I’ll introduce you as my one and only LUSH.”
“How did you even go around the discreet territory?” she asks. Thank god, she’s calm about it.
“Like a cartoon character’s rollicking adventure,” I reply.
“Which one?” she plays along.
“Baby carrot Ace Hansel,” I muse. “Bobbing around looking for a potato.”
“How many has she got since?”
“Just one. Just now.”
“No, I meant — the other potatoes.”
“Stacey was a cassava.”
“A what?” she laughs.
“A woody shrub,” I say. “And Alex — well — we already know who she is.”
“So you’ve only been with two?”
“Did you really think I was the type who would chunk out all the root vegetables that she would ever come across?”
“Ace, you’re drop dead gorgeous. With a sparkling good heart. With the kindest face and the kindest everything.”
“And I’ve been lying to my parents. And I slept with a vicious monster. And I got you into this hodgepodge.”
“Well,” she sighs, “that’s what a baby carrot is all about, anyway.”
“I think I’m a baby lesbian,” I reckon.
“Me too!” she yelps. “I had only been with one girl. That girl that I told you about — who dumped me for a dude. It was quite strange, though. ‘Cause I knew I was — fascinated. But I could never understand its truth at all. After we broke up, I would just — daydream — and dream away — about an enchanting woman with a beautiful heart. Though crushes would butt in once in a while — but I would rather daydream — and dream away — about her — The princess from my childhood castle in the air dances –” She pouts and leers at me. “And it was only about a walnut.”
“Dylan,” I laugh, “keep pouting! I’m gonna kiss you!”
“We can only kiss once we’ve already mushed the vicious monster,” she lays out the rule. “And — without a single threat shambling into the drabbles.”
“You are such a diva potato!” I snap.
“Ace, I just wanna make sure I’m not in a suicidal pit here, all right?”
“And you think we’re not in the same boat?”
“No,” she says. “‘Cause anybody could rock you out of it anytime and any day.”
“Anybody could also rock you out of it anytime and any day, Dylan,” I yip back.
“That’s not gonna happen. ‘Cause only girls like Sarah would attempt to do that. And my heart is only dressed and squeezed for our dance — for the rest of my life. No matter how much it scares the hell out of my bamboos.”
“And yet you can’t even give me a kiss, and my lower abdomen is now gearing up for a major Martial Arts exhibition, and your staunch diva potato whirlwind is way too much for baby carrot and walnut to bob over!”
“My goodness, Ace Hansel!” she giggles. “You really are an aggressive puck!”
“That’s just a pint of it, babe,” I grunt. “Just – a — pint!”